Overall, 2008 has been a pretty fantastic year for Team Last Call, with the exception of not dating Scarlett Johannson. First, we pretty much single-handedly destroyed the Hummer empire, or at least the H1, which was discontinued earlier this year, leaving thousands of men across the country scrambling for new ways to advertise their itty bitty tender parts.
Next, we secured a World Series victory for the Phillies, primarily by drinking lots of beer and sending good vibes through our TV screen. And then within the same week we delivered the state of Pennsylvania to Barack Obama, which in turn got him elected as the next President of the United States of America. He called us that night from Chicago to ask if he could mention us during his acceptance speech, and also to offer a position in his cabinet, probably as Secretary of Awesome, but we declined on account of our humility and the fact that he didn't really call.
Team Last Call: 3.
General Motors, Tampa Bay Rays and Sarah Palin: 0.
However, while we've been on an enormous and unparalleled winning streak, we're not about to start resting on our laurels, mostly because we don't know what a laurel is. Instead, we're going to focus on our next mission, one that might prove to be our most challenging to date: helping the Philadelphia Eagles become the next Super Bowl champions.
We realize it might not be "realistic" or even "mathematically possible," but still, by adhering to the three point plan detailed below, we are confident we'll be bringing that trophy home, maybe.
Step one on the road to a Super Bowl victory is to purge Central Pennsylvania of Steelers fans. These people have worked their way into the mid-state like a toenail fungus. They're all over the place, with their bad attitudes and their stupid towels. They're just so … mavericky. They should change the name to the Pittsburgh 'Publicans.
Converting these people to Eagles fans is more than a mission, it's a moral imperative. We need all available resources to win this Super Bowl, and too much time and energy is being wasted on rooting for a team that wears gold tights.
Converting Steelers fans will not be an easy task. Don't be surprised if they get angry with you, or try to lash out at you in some underhanded, cheating kind of way. The Eagles did, after all, completely and utterly trounce their team in September, and they're probably still pretty embarrassed about just how terrible and idiotic and awful we made them look. So definitely don't bring up that game. The one where we totally crushed them.
A good place to start is by trying to understand where Steelers fans are coming from. Once you understand that, that's where the healing begins.
Think about it: If you lived in Central PA, and the closest major city (Philadelphia) hadn't won any kind of sports championship since 1983, wouldn't you be upset? Wouldn't you turn your back on your community, your friends and neighbors and loved ones, and desperately latch on to whatever team out there is winning championships, any team, anywhere, no matter how far away it was located?
Of course not, but Steelers fans would, and did. Now, some of these fans will say things like, "I've been a fan of the Steelers since I was a kid!" or "My whole family is made of Steelers fans!" or "I grew up in Pittsburgh!" These people are lying. Steelers fans are liars. And once you understand that fact, that's where the healing begins.
It's easy to get angry with a Steelers fan, or to think of him as something less than a fully developed human, like the singer of Nickelback. But that's the wrong attitude to take. The truth is, ultimately, you can't blame a Steelers fan for being a Steelers fan any more than you can blame, say, a tapeworm for being a tapeworm. Granted, a tapeworm doesn't technically have a "brain" or the "ability to formulate a thought," so there's another similarity. But still, compassion is what we need. Because everyone makes mistakes. And once you understand that, that's where the healing begins.
Once these people are brought back "home," once they've seen the error of their ways and have thrown out their truly terrible towels, we Central Pennsylvanians can once again unite under the great banner of the Philadelphia Eagles, like the bible says. So, that's step one.
Step two on the road to victory is to boost the Philadelphia Eagles' morale. Because the fact is, in the team's 75-plus-year history as a franchise, they have never, ever, under any circumstances, not once ever, won a Super Bowl.
So as you can imagine, the players' self-esteem isn't exactly soaring. This is exacerbated by the seemingly endless number of malicious jokes circulating about the team and its complete inability to not screw up – jokes that should never, under any circumstances, be repeated, including the following:
Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Philadelphia Eagles.
Q: How do you keep a Philadelphia Eagle out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: Why doesn't Camden have a professional football team?
A: Because then Philadelphia would want one.
So stop telling these jokes. Remember, a confident team is a winning team. Although Sarah Palin was pretty confident, too.
Step three is to just plain steal the trophy. I mean just straight-up sneaking into the winning team's clubhouse when no one's looking and grabbing the trophy right off its little pedestal. Because really, that's the only way we're going to bring that thing home this year. Or any year, really. And if we get caught, we can just frame some Steelers fans.
They should probably be in jail anyway.
