Showing posts with label Europe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Europe. Show all posts

July 2007 - Team Last Call: World Police

Posted by Jeff on 7/01/2007 12:21:00 AM
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Team Last Call recently went on a trip to Europe, which – as far as you and the IRS know – was for the express purpose of conducting research for future Last Call columns.

Our plan, to the best of your knowledge, was to visit lots of European libraries, cathedrals and museums in order to expand our cultural horizons, further enabling us to report on global issues with the kind of fair and balanced approach you have grown to expect from Team Last Call.

But you know what's really boring? Libraries, cathedrals and museums. So instead, we went to a pub.

While we didn't technically "see any historical sites" or "eat any exotic foods" or "stop drinking beer for more than half an hour," we did sometimes watch foreign news reports on TV. Because the bartender wouldn't change the channel.

But you know what's a real downer? Foreign news reports.

"War in Iraq," blah, blah, blah.

"Global warming," blah, blah, blah.

"Genocide in Darfur," blah, blah, blah.

Hey, foreign press. Are you doing anything later? Because we're having a party, and it would be awesome if you could stop by and make everyone want to kill themselves.

It wasn't until we got back to our hotel and turned on an American news station that we were able to find a news story of any relevance – a story of real global impact, a story that illustrated both the starkness of the human condition and the promise of the great American dream: Paris Hilton's arrest.

The story was on virtually every American news channel we could find – CNN, MSNBC, C-SPAN. Meanwhile, what were the European news stations reporting on? The G8 conference. Way to go.

This, of course, speaks pretty directly about the integrity of the foreign press. We can't say for sure whether it was censorship or just plain sloppy journalism, but they didn't even pretend to know about Paris' arrest. Either way, they really dropped the ball on this one. It's just one more illustration of why communism is bad.

It's no wonder that foreigners are always fighting and yelling and setting things on fire. You'd start a riot too if all you saw on the news were stories about murder and violence and other non-celebrity-related topics. Take a lesson from America: A little Brangelina goes a long way.

"Oh, we're so sad because our widdle biddy pwanet is getting weawy, weawy hot!" It's like, wake up, people! Britney shaved her head!

"A little less tears, a little more Spears," that's what we always say.

We're not trying to make Europeans look bad. Their teeth do that. (Nice one!) We're just saying that they're really out of touch with reality – not to mention reality TV. Did you know that some countries over there don't even have their own version of "The Biggest Loser"? We don't mean to insinuate that Europeans are lazy, but, like, how hard is it to get fat? We already gave them McDonald's. All they have to do is eat there!

And McDonald's is just one example of the many, many fantastic exports we've given to Europe over the years – for free! There's also American cheese, American football and Clay Aiken. And what do we get in return? A big, steaming pile of "No, we won't help you in the war on terror!"

Like, seriously?

It's like, no matter how morbid and boring and newsy their news reports are, Europeans just can't seem to get it through their heads that we are all in constant danger, every day, all the time, of being murdered by terrorists. All of us. At any moment. Murdered. By terrorists.

American new reports don't get all mopey with footage of dead soldiers being shipped back from Iraq. If we're going to be looking at a dead person, it's going to be Anna Nicole Smith. And we still know enough to live our lives in a constant state of fear!

What Europeans don't seem to realize is that terrorists are lurking around every corner, down every alley, behind every ethnic food counter. They're everywhere, and they hate freedom! They even hate Paris Hilton!

But the Europeans are too busy floating along in a dreamland of puff pastries and hand-rolled cigarettes to realize how close they are to dying. They spend their days lounging around with their tiny cups of coffee and skinny mustaches and tight pants and low stress levels, laughing in their stupid accents about how the war on terror is "wasting money" and "human lives" and "making the situation worse."

Listen, Europeans: We're not trying to imply that you're stupid. All we're saying is, you have what? At least four or five countries over there? And not a single one of you has been able to produce a Hummer? Way to go.

OK, point proven. There's no need to add insult to injury. We've already established that Europeans are lagging behind America in the categories of "obesity," "Hummers," "reality TV" and "Clay Aiken." It probably shouldn't be a big surprise that they're are also behind when it comes to being "paralyzed with fear" and electing people who "aren't smart" to "run their countries."

Well, not everyone can be perfect.

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August 2006 – Team Last Call Goes On Vacation

Posted by Jeff on 8/01/2006 12:02:00 AM
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Team Last Call recently ran off to Europe for a month to delivering unprecedented amounts of rock and roll to the areas of the world where unprecedented amounts of rock and roll are needed most. Guess who wasn't happy about that? Our boss, who was kind enough to put together this "best of" column for us. Hey, it's better than nothing.

On His Wife's Driving: Whether she's putting on her stockings or trying to balance her checkbook, you can be sure that at any given point while she's driving, my wife is performing at least one other task that requires the use of both hands and usually a foot or two. I'm pretty sure I once caught her in the middle of a yoga pose while she was driving us to the mall, although I couldn't prove it.

On Dentists: Once things were under control, the dentist began the process of anesthesia by stabbing me repeatedly in the gums with what I could only assume was the harpoon they used to catch Anna Nicole Smith. In between stabs and this is way too weird for me to make up the dentist thought it would be a good idea to tell me about a horror movie he once saw called "Dentist 2," in which a crazed dentist ties a woman down and systematically pulls out all of her teeth. I found this to be exceedingly creepy and inappropriate, but forced out a little laugh anyway since he was the one with the harpoon.

On Spinning Rims: It's time to take the silly spinning rims off of your wheels. Nobody thinks they're cool but the guy who sold them to you, and that's just because he works on commission. Surely there is some better way you could put that $2,000 to use. Like by feeding the poor, for example. Or by donating the money to the Women & Babies Hospital. Unless you hate babies. It's OK if you do. If that's the case, just leave the rims on. That way we'll know for sure.

On Babies: Babies can't hold their liquor. Not only that, but they're terrible at video games and it takes them forever to work their way through a piece of beef jerky. And that's why, for my friends and me, having a baby is simply not an option. A baby would threaten everything that we, as a group of young, spirited and most of all, flatulent males, hold dear. By which I mean Guys Night.

On High-Fives: High-fiving is something that frat boys do after one of them lights a fart. It's cheesy and primitive, and usually means that you were born with the mutant chromosome that makes you wear your hat backwards and listen to rap-metal. So basically, you need to find a new way to express your happiness. However, in the event that a high-five becomes unavoidable (i.e. you just made out with Eva Longoria), under no circumstances are you to attempt a high-ten, which is never OK.

On Theater People: Theater people should be herded together and shipped off to a desert island, where they could start their own country. They could call it the United Federation of Flamboyance, or maybe the Republic of Obnoxious Peoples. Their national anthem could be "Theres No Business Like Show Business," and their flag could have a picture of a dozen or so men snapping their fingers and doing that crouch-walk.

On Bellybutton Piercings: Apparently, my belly didn't get the memo that the rest of my body had decided to stop growing. In the six or so years since I had gotten my piercing, my belly had expanded from a normal, boy-sized tummy to a bulbous mound of jiggly, wiggly pudge. Suddenly my bellybutton ring was less like a cute little accessory and more like a giant flashing beacon perched on top of Mount McPlumpy.

On His Wifes 30th Birthday: When I first told my wife I was going to be writing about her birthday for my next column, her head started spinning around in circles and blood came out of our walls. Then she started talking backwards Latin and flinging large pieces of furniture around the room with her mind. Our poor little Jack Russell still hasn't stopped shaking. Of course, that could just be because he's a Jack Russell. And because I fed him a bag of espresso beans.

On Hummers: As far as I'm concerned, driving a Hummer anywhere in Central Pennsylvania is like trying to pick a piece of broccoli from your teeth with Ruben Studdard sometimes the situation just calls for something a little smaller. Like Clay Aiken. I mean, maybe, maybe if you're living in the frozen tundra, then perhaps you need a vehicle with a little more oomph to it. Something with an engine the size of, say, an Alaskan oil drill. But otherwise, driving a Hummer down our Pennsylvania streets is like trying to remove a splinter from your thumb with a bazooka.

On Hummer Response: We at Team Last Call are taken aback by the Hummer owners' angry response. We certainly meant no offense in our columns. Team Last Call would never deliberately ridicule Hummer drivers or the various insecurities that compel them to drive a truck the size of a river barge. Like tiny genitalia, for example. We would never make fun of that. Or impotence. Again, not funny.

On Paris Hilton: Stop having sex with Paris Hilton. If you're one of the many, many people who have slept with the hotel heiress and statistics show that most of you are it's time to stop. If we all work together to keep Paris from having sex, thereby cutting off her only real contribution to society, then maybe, just maybe, people will stop caring about her and she'll finally go away. Together we can make a difference.

On Writing: In the past, some of my readers have accused me of exaggerating in my columns, of "embellishing" the "truth" just to get a "cheap laugh." To those "people," I have this to say: Yeah, totally, I do that.

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