TEAM LAST CALL

Other good ways to wake up might involve a breakfast catered by French maids. Some would involve waking up on the tour bus of my world-famous rock band. Almost all of them would involve Ashley Judd in some way.
But none of them would involve anything close to the way that I woke up the other night, at 3:30 a.m., to the delightful sounds of a hardcore porn film blaring through the walls of my neighbors apartment.

My wife and I shot up out of bed, our ears ringing with the shrieks of what we could only assume was a cat on fire. We ran around the bedroom in circles, screaming, trying to figure out what was happening.

What?
Where?
Look out!
Someones being murdered!
Someone set the cat on fire!
Its Armageddon!
Jump out the window to safety!
Call 911!
Wait! Is that ...?
No ...
Yeah, I think it is.
No ...

It was. It was porn. I cant believe we just woke up to porn, said my wife. She stood still for a moment, trying to decide whether she should be laughing or crying, and compromised with a little of both.

I picked up my shoe and started whacking at the wall as if it were covered with boy bands. Dude! Turn! Down! That! Porn! I mean, Im all for free speech and everything, but not when that free speech is coming from Doctor Spankypants and his team of Naughty Nurses at 3:30 in the morning.

The TV was blaring. My wife was yelling. The dog was barking. The cat was not on fire, so that was good, but it was still running around and hissing. I was about as happy as Jerry Falwell at a gay pride convention.
Evidently, my neighbors porn was so loud that they failed to hear our rap-rap-rapping at their chamber door. So we went and made some popcorn and tried to pass the time writing dialogue for the worlds most unlikely porn stars. Heres a partial list:

George W. Bush: Lets you and me get romantistic. Love-making requires careful strategery.

Al Gore: Call me President! Ive got the key to that lock-box! I demand a recount on sexual favors!

Yoda: Love to me you will make. Much to learn you have in bed.
Chewbacca: Arrrrrr.

The neighbors had evidently rented a porno epic. It simply did not stop. We felt dirty.

I decided I was going to put a stop to this once and for all, in the only way I knew how call my mommy.

Put that phone down! said my wife. You will march next door, and you will use any means necessary to make the neighbors turn off the porn! I put on my jacket, laced up my boots, stormed out the door, remembered I wasnt wearing any pants, went back inside, put on some pants, and stormed out the door again.

I trudged around the house to the neighbors door and rang the bell. A young girl with wild hair, ghostly white skin, and pupils the size of a baseball hung her head out the door.

Hi. We havent met. I live next door, I said.

Silence.

Its 3:30 in the morning. Is there any chance you would consider turning down your porn? I asked.

Silence.

Yeah, that would be great, if you could turn down your porn. Your porn. The loud porn in your apartment. If you could turn it down, thatd be great. The porn.

Oh, she croaked. The TVs on? Ill get it.

Now, I dont know a whole lot about porn, but I do know that it doesnt normally just turn itself on. (It turns other people on! Ha ha ha ha!) Yet, my neighbor seemed surprised to learn that her TV was on, which I cant begin to explain. Had somebody broken into her house, stuffed her ears with cotton, turned on a porn movie, and snuck back out? Was there a Porn Bandit on the loose?

Regardless, the porn was turned off, and I returned home to a heros welcome, by which I mean the dog had crapped on the floor. Eventually, I made it back to my bedroom, where my wife was already sound asleep. I shuffled across the floor, threw the cat off the bed, threw the cat off the bed again, and again, and, delirious with exhaustion, crawled under the covers and shut my eyes.

Which is right about the time that the neighbors dog started barking.