A few weeks ago, Team Last Call's wife went to Connecticut for a three-week work assignment, or what we like to call "three weeks when we don't have to change our underwear."
Team Last Call is not gifted in the area of hygiene. We have our talents, but washing ourselves isn't one of them. Neither is washing our clothes, the dishes or anything else that's inside, outside or in the general vicinity of our house. Or that starts with the letter "A," or any subsequent letter of the alphabet.
Our wife has a few theories about why we are so hygienically challenged, the main one being that we're just plain lazy, which we'll address as soon as we finish our beer. Truthfully, it's got more to do with the fact that we don't know where she keeps the washing machine. We suspect it's in the basement, but there are spiders down there.
The problem with our wife leaving us alone in the house is that she expects us to be doing things like washing the dishes and dusting and whatever it is she does with that loud machine with the hose and the suction that gives our nervous little dog the runs.
We've learned from experience that what we consider to be "passable" our wife often considers to be "a reason to yell at us." While we might think it's OK to, say, let the little doggie piles on the carpet just sort of wear away naturally instead of picking them up, our wife doesn't always share our viewpoint. She enjoys cleanliness, and has never shown even the slightest admiration for the fact that we can go a solid week in the same pair of socks.
Within minutes of her departure, the entire household deteriorates into a wasteland of pizza boxes, dirty socks and dog-hair tumbleweeds. We are left wallowing in our own filth with no food, no clean clothes and virtually no ability to hit the toilet. It's just like college, except the only person puking is the cat.
The root of the problem here is that we simply have different definitions of what "clean" means. Our wife says "tomato," we say, "Oh, yeah, that's been growing fuzz in the bottom of our refrigerator since you left. Last week it was purple!"
Our theory is that we should just agree to disagree. Our wife's theory is that we should just agree that I'm gross and need to take a bath.
We know what you're thinking: "If your wife's so uptight about the house being dirty when she comes home, why doesn't she just clean it?" That makes a lot of sense to us, too. Let's just say that our wife doesn't really see it that way. I mean, she does clean it, but she's got this whole hang-up about "This marriage is a partnership!" and "I'm not your maid!" and other things that are hard to not laugh at.
We are so, so dead when this article comes out.
Anyway, for all of you men out there who, like us, are forced to live your lives under a lemony-fresh hand of oppression, we are pleased to present Team Last Call's Guide to Cleaning (For Men). Because it's important to make your wife happy, but not at the risk of your beer getting warm.
The first and most important rule in our Guide to Cleaning (For Men) is this: "If you can't see the problem, it doesn't exist." We really can't stress this point enough. How much time has man wasted over the last thousand years fighting invisible bacteria? Think of how much delicious beef jerky and football you missed out on because you were busy scrubbing supposed "germs" off the toilet. It's time to stop this silly game. It's time to recognize the fact that – like global warming and civilian casualties in Iraq – these supposed "microorganisms" are just another fabrication of the liberal media.
But what about the dirt that you can see? Well, that's a different matter altogether. For that, we need to refer to the second rule in the Guide to Cleaning (For Men): "It's just going to get dirty again."
Simple logic tells us that if something gets messy once, it is more than likely going to get messy again. This applies to all kinds of household items – bookshelves, rugs, babies. Trying to clean items like these is clearly a complete waste of time. It's like going to the beach with a bunch of towels and trying to dry the sand every time the tide goes out. Who are we to try to fight the forces of nature?
We've obviously put together a pretty airtight case here. Nobody in his right mind would want to argue the points above. Unfortunately, there is still one more rule that all responsible husbands must follow, and it goes like this: "Clean the house."
If you really value your relationship, you're going to have to clean the house. Because no matter how much time you spend trying to convince her, your wife will never think it's cool that you can throw your sock at the wall and make it stick. Likewise, she's never going to get over that whole "marriage is a partnership" thing. If that's not convincing enough, keep in mind is that she's the only person you get to have sex with.
That's what we thought. Happy scrubbing.
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