I mean, I hate spiders. And when I say "hate," I mean I'd rather pierce my tongue with a telephone pole than touch a spider. Which brings us to today's story.
A few weeks ago, during one of the first few warm days of spring, I was leaving the house for work when I spotted on the roof of my car what I could only assume was a poodle that had somehow been turned inside-out.
Upon closer inspection, however, I discovered that it wasn't an inside-out poodle at all. It wasn't even a right-side-out poodle. It was, in fact, the biggest, ugliest spider in the history of planet earth.
This caused a real predicament. I worked too far away to walk, but there was just no way I was going to get within 10 feet of the Spiderpoodle. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I ran back into my house, called in sick to work and hid in bed for the rest of the day.
I used to feel ashamed about my little phobia. But after doing some research on the internet, or as I like to call it, the Truthnet, I now realize that there are plenty of other men out there who are just as afraid of spiders as I am. Like Justin Timberlake, for example. And Andre Agassi.
And Robert Redford.*
I also learned on the Truthnet that Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple. Just so you know.
I had an astronomy teacher in high school who once tried to convince me that most adults are afraid of spiders because they were abducted by aliens as children. Here's what happens: the aliens who apparently have long, spider-like arms and legs kidnap little children and perform terrifying experiments on them, which may or may not explain how Bill O'Reilly turned out the way he did.
Afterwards, the aliens zap the children's brains and erase all memory of the abduction. However, the sight of spiders often awakens the terror locked in their subconscious. Makes sense, doesn't it?
No, of course not. It's crazy, which is why that teacher is in jail now. For real.
On the Team Last Call Scale of Craziness, it comes in somewhere between the swan dress that Björk wore to the Oscars and the episode of "Oprah" when Tom Cruise jumped the couch.
Did you see that episode? Oh, wait. That's right. You were probably busy working. Well, those of us who surf the internet and eat Krispy Kremes for a living witnessed Cruise jumping up on a couch, pumping his fists in the air and dancing about in front of poor, startled Oprah while declaring his undying love for his child-bride, Katie Holmes. Cruise worked himself into such a frenzy that the phrase "jumping the couch" is now used as a slang term for "losing your marbles." It's even an official entry in the Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com).
"Jump the couch A defining moment when you know someone has gone off the deep end. Inspired by Tom Cruise's recent behavior on 'Oprah.'"
Sample sentence: "When I saw the spiderpoodle in my car, I totally jumped the couch. I also jumped the mailbox and the rhododendron and didn't stop until I was in bed with three locks on the door and a fully charged Supersoaker by my side."
I discovered the whole "jump the couch" phenomenon while I was scouring the Truthnet to see if the whole fear-of-spiders theory holds up. How I ended up watching clips of Tom Cruise on "Oprah" is something for me to know and for you to not tell my boss about.
Heres the kicker: Apparently, the alien abduction story checks out (aliensthetruth.com). Many people who were abducted by aliens now claim to have a terrible fear of spiders. Therefore, by applying some simply logic, we can conclude that anyone who is afraid of spiders has been abducted by aliens.
The Truthnet also says that abduction victims sometimes get nosebleeds. Here's the thing I sometimes get nosebleeds. I mean, not often, but I get them.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that I've been abducted by aliens. On one hand, this explains a lot about my life. On the other hand, it's sort of a disturbing thing to realize, especially right in front of about 42,000 readers, most of whom are on the toilet.
I'd better go get this all sorted out. Until next month, live long and prosper.
* While Robert Redford isn't technically afraid of spiders, he is playing the voice of Ike, the arachnophobic horse, in the new version of "Charlotte's Web" (www.rottentomatoes.com). Which is good enough for me.
