Dear Jeff,
Well, you finally irritated me enough to write to a columnist in a magazine. A while back ago, I remember reading that you promised to finally drop the Hummer kick, and get off of it once and for all, what happened? Was it a short-lived, after the New Year's resolution? I happen to LOVE Hummers, and have always taken offense to your snide (self felt shortcomings on your part) remarks about them. What is your problem? Is it only that you can't afford one, or are you too tiny to crawl up into one? And now the Republican cracks ... what should we do? Put another Democrat back in office so that he can worry more about getting a b***job than worrying about the state of our world? What did you want us to do, sit back and say, "Well, that's alright, hit us again." And have us do nothing? What are we, a bunch of saps? Cripe sakes, grow up and try saying something worthwhile in your column for once. You also took my favorite holiday and managed to irritate me twice in your column this month. I will keep reading the Fly every month because I like going out to new and different places, and I read your column every month with the hope that one of these months you will wise up and grow up. How about proving me right one of these days?
"Sandra"
Dear Sandra,
Thank you for your recent letter. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to skip my afternoon tree-hugging session in order to address some of the issues you raised.
As I sat reading your letter, my tiny legs dangling from the edge of my tiny chair, I was struck by a profound thought: if I reprinted your letter in my column, I would be 237 words closer to my word count for the month. So, thanks for that.
I experienced several other epiphanies as well, little moments of insight into my own psyche that left me shaking in my booster seat. I'd like to share some of them with you now.
Perhaps the most important realization I had was that many of my snide remarks are, in fact, the result of my own crippling shortcomings. You hit the nail on the head with that one. For example, in the article you're referring to, I made a comment about "the scientific link between driving a Hummer and having extremely tiny genitalia." It's obvious to me now that my comment had less to do with the scientific fact that Hummer drivers have dinky twinkies and more to do with the fact that I am simply too small to climb up into a Hummer of my own.
I realize now that my anger was misdirected. I shouldn't have lashed out at Hummer drivers like that. I mean, it's no more their fault that I'm "vertically challenged," as my therapist likes to say, than it is that they're hung like gnats.
To make things worse, not only did I lash out at a defenseless group of people, but I also broke a promise .. a promise I made to readers like yourself when I announced that I was officially done making fun of Hummers.
I quote directly from a column I published in July of 2005:
"And so, in an effort to not be murdered, we at Team Last Call are ready to call a truce. We solemnly swear to do our best not to talk about your comically small genitalia, as long as you do your best not to overcompensate for it by driving a vehicle with the gas mileage of Mount Rushmore."
But I just couldn't keep my big mouth shut. I had to go and make even more snippy comments about Hummer drivers, when the only thing they're guilty of is blowing $120,000 on a car that makes them look like a total jerkwad. "What's wrong with me?" I keep asking myself. "Do I really hate Hummers? Or am I just so afraid that Hummer drivers will make fun of me someday that I've launched a preemptive strike?"
Whoa, maybe I'm a Republican after all! Wouldn't that be crazy, Sandra? If I was a Republican all this time and didn't even know it? Ha ha ha ha!
But I'm afraid the awful truth, Sandra, is that I am a flip-flopper. I do one thing and then say another. Sometimes I don't even know WHAT I believe! I guess that's what makes me such a good Democrat! Ha ha ha ha!
Over the course of the past four years, I've devoted entire columns to such hot-button topics as "alien abduction," "pineapple chicken wraps" and "farting" without actually taking a stand on any of them. "What am I so afraid of?" I keep asking myself.
But thanks to your letter, I'm now starting to recognize the great responsibility that comes with my great power. When you're the author of a column as highly influential as mine, with literally tens of people depending on you each month to shape their malleable little minds on important issues, you need to have solid ideas. These people are depending on me! Me! It's irresponsible to just sit around cracking jokes all day. I need to start basing my commentary on actual facts! Otherwise, all I'm doing is spouting crazy rhetoric, like what you see on Fox News.
It's time for me to stop talking and start taking action. I'm not just going to JOKE about eating pineapple chicken wraps .. I'm going to eat one! I'm not just going to WRITE about being abducted by aliens .. I'm going to lasso their ship and climb on board whether they want me to or not! I'm not just going to JOKE about farting .. I'm going to, um, fart, I guess.
As for your request that I "grow up" and "say something worthwhile," Sandra, I will do my best to make this happen as well. I'll start by saying that I've been too tough on Republicans, and I agree that the only real way to protect America from terrorists is by killing lots of Iraqi civilians. Let God sort 'em out, right? I'll follow that up by saying that I'd like to ride to the moon in a rocketship made out of peanut butter and lollipops. I'll conclude by saying that if Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie got in a catfight, who would win?
Oops, look, I couldn't do it! That last one wasn't even a sentence! Well, Sandra, everyone has his shortcomings. Mine just happens to be the inability to say anything even remotely poignant. Look at me .. I'm like a little Bill O'Reilly!
Well, TTYL (talk to you later)! LOL!
Your BFF,
Jeff
Well, you finally irritated me enough to write to a columnist in a magazine. A while back ago, I remember reading that you promised to finally drop the Hummer kick, and get off of it once and for all, what happened? Was it a short-lived, after the New Year's resolution? I happen to LOVE Hummers, and have always taken offense to your snide (self felt shortcomings on your part) remarks about them. What is your problem? Is it only that you can't afford one, or are you too tiny to crawl up into one? And now the Republican cracks ... what should we do? Put another Democrat back in office so that he can worry more about getting a b***job than worrying about the state of our world? What did you want us to do, sit back and say, "Well, that's alright, hit us again." And have us do nothing? What are we, a bunch of saps? Cripe sakes, grow up and try saying something worthwhile in your column for once. You also took my favorite holiday and managed to irritate me twice in your column this month. I will keep reading the Fly every month because I like going out to new and different places, and I read your column every month with the hope that one of these months you will wise up and grow up. How about proving me right one of these days?
"Sandra"
Dear Sandra,
Thank you for your recent letter. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to skip my afternoon tree-hugging session in order to address some of the issues you raised.
As I sat reading your letter, my tiny legs dangling from the edge of my tiny chair, I was struck by a profound thought: if I reprinted your letter in my column, I would be 237 words closer to my word count for the month. So, thanks for that.
I experienced several other epiphanies as well, little moments of insight into my own psyche that left me shaking in my booster seat. I'd like to share some of them with you now.
Perhaps the most important realization I had was that many of my snide remarks are, in fact, the result of my own crippling shortcomings. You hit the nail on the head with that one. For example, in the article you're referring to, I made a comment about "the scientific link between driving a Hummer and having extremely tiny genitalia." It's obvious to me now that my comment had less to do with the scientific fact that Hummer drivers have dinky twinkies and more to do with the fact that I am simply too small to climb up into a Hummer of my own.
I realize now that my anger was misdirected. I shouldn't have lashed out at Hummer drivers like that. I mean, it's no more their fault that I'm "vertically challenged," as my therapist likes to say, than it is that they're hung like gnats.
To make things worse, not only did I lash out at a defenseless group of people, but I also broke a promise .. a promise I made to readers like yourself when I announced that I was officially done making fun of Hummers.
I quote directly from a column I published in July of 2005:
"And so, in an effort to not be murdered, we at Team Last Call are ready to call a truce. We solemnly swear to do our best not to talk about your comically small genitalia, as long as you do your best not to overcompensate for it by driving a vehicle with the gas mileage of Mount Rushmore."
But I just couldn't keep my big mouth shut. I had to go and make even more snippy comments about Hummer drivers, when the only thing they're guilty of is blowing $120,000 on a car that makes them look like a total jerkwad. "What's wrong with me?" I keep asking myself. "Do I really hate Hummers? Or am I just so afraid that Hummer drivers will make fun of me someday that I've launched a preemptive strike?"
Whoa, maybe I'm a Republican after all! Wouldn't that be crazy, Sandra? If I was a Republican all this time and didn't even know it? Ha ha ha ha!
But I'm afraid the awful truth, Sandra, is that I am a flip-flopper. I do one thing and then say another. Sometimes I don't even know WHAT I believe! I guess that's what makes me such a good Democrat! Ha ha ha ha!
Over the course of the past four years, I've devoted entire columns to such hot-button topics as "alien abduction," "pineapple chicken wraps" and "farting" without actually taking a stand on any of them. "What am I so afraid of?" I keep asking myself.
But thanks to your letter, I'm now starting to recognize the great responsibility that comes with my great power. When you're the author of a column as highly influential as mine, with literally tens of people depending on you each month to shape their malleable little minds on important issues, you need to have solid ideas. These people are depending on me! Me! It's irresponsible to just sit around cracking jokes all day. I need to start basing my commentary on actual facts! Otherwise, all I'm doing is spouting crazy rhetoric, like what you see on Fox News.
It's time for me to stop talking and start taking action. I'm not just going to JOKE about eating pineapple chicken wraps .. I'm going to eat one! I'm not just going to WRITE about being abducted by aliens .. I'm going to lasso their ship and climb on board whether they want me to or not! I'm not just going to JOKE about farting .. I'm going to, um, fart, I guess.
As for your request that I "grow up" and "say something worthwhile," Sandra, I will do my best to make this happen as well. I'll start by saying that I've been too tough on Republicans, and I agree that the only real way to protect America from terrorists is by killing lots of Iraqi civilians. Let God sort 'em out, right? I'll follow that up by saying that I'd like to ride to the moon in a rocketship made out of peanut butter and lollipops. I'll conclude by saying that if Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie got in a catfight, who would win?
Oops, look, I couldn't do it! That last one wasn't even a sentence! Well, Sandra, everyone has his shortcomings. Mine just happens to be the inability to say anything even remotely poignant. Look at me .. I'm like a little Bill O'Reilly!
Well, TTYL (talk to you later)! LOL!
Your BFF,
Jeff
