Posted by Jeff on 3/01/2007 12:13:00 AM

It's March, which means that everyone is talking about St. Patrick's Day.

Arrogant, smug St. Patrick's Day. "Oh, look at me! I'm St. Patrick's Day! I'm the most important day of the month! I'm the best holiday on the planet! Everyone look at me!"

Well, we've got news for you, St. Patrick's Day. Team Last Call is sick of you strutting around with that pompous attitude, like you totally own the month of March. Not only are you not the only holiday in March – you're not even the only holiday on March 17!

After conducting hours of painstaking research on the Truthnet, Team Last Call discovered that March actually has 31 separate holidays – one for each day. So, St. Patrick's Day, it is with no small amount of pleasure that we present Team Last Call's Guide to Holidays in March That Aren't St. Patrick's Day.

March 1: National Pig Day. This holiday has been an annual tradition since 1972, when Texas art teacher Ellen Stanley organized the first official National Pig Day to honor and give thanks for domesticated pigs and – in a remarkable display of foresight – Hummer owners.

March 2: National Salesperson Day. This holiday, which occurs each year on the first Friday in March, is a day when we pay our respects to the door-to-door salespeople and telemarketers of the world by calling them at home during dinner and blasting an airhorn into the receiver.

March 3: National Anthem Day. This holiday pays tribute to the song that pays tribute to the flag that U.S. news agencies aren't allowed to show draped over caskets. Freedom of Information Day isn't until March 16.

March 4: Hug a GI Day. Not recommended for individuals of Middle Eastern descent who live in Afghanistan, have long beards and are named Osama Bin Laden.

March 5: Multiple Personality Day. We love this holiday. We also hate this holiday.

March 6: National Frozen Food Day. This holiday commemorates the fateful day when a Disneyland chef came to work drunk and accidentally cooked up a platter of Walt-loaf.

March 7: National Crown Roast of Pork Day. This is the day when we wear roasted pork on our heads.

March 8: Be Nasty Day. This is a much-loved holiday during which bored office workers all across America forward each other pictures of Britney Spears getting out of that limo. You know the one I'm talking about.

March 9: Panic Day. This holiday was invented by republican incumbents who have been photographed shaking hands with President Bush.

March 10: Middle Name Pride Day. This holiday has been celebrated yearly since its inception in 1863 by William Hemorrhoid Smith, Jr.

March 11: Worship of Tools Day. This holiday was established to pay tribute to the fine men and women of Fox News.

March 12: Plant a Flower Day. Also known as The Second Gayest Holiday Ever.

March 13: Jewel Day. The day when we celebrate irritating, melodramatic singer-songwriters around the world. Just kidding. It's actually a day when we give thanks for jewels by buying … more jewels. Sponsored by the Jewelers Association of America.

March 14: Learn about Butterflies Day. The Gayest Holiday Ever.

March 15: Dumbstruck Day. Or as George W. Bush likes to call it, "Day."

March 16: Freedom of Information Day. Restrictions include images of flags draped over caskets.

March 17: Submarine Day. We're not sure if this holiday refers to the type of sandwich or the underwater boat. All we care about is that we're really sticking it to St. Patrick's Day.

March 18: Supreme Sacrifice Day. This day recognizes Americans who have made the ultimate sacrifice for the good of others. Restrictions include dead American soldiers, who apparently don't exist.

March 19: Poultry Day. Love a chicken today. Not recommended for residents of Arkansas or West Virginia.

March 20: Extraterrestrial Abductions Day. We're not sure if this is a day to remember your alien abduction or a day to be abducted. Either way, an anal probe is involved.

March 21: Fragrance Day. This is day that you, um, smell stuff.

March 22: National Goof-off Day. The first national holiday to receive unanimous approval in the senate.

March 23: Near Miss Day. Near Miss Day commemorates the day in 1989 when a huge asteroid barely missed hitting the earth. Then scientists discovered it was just Britney Spears' enormous ass – from the future!

March 24: National Chocolate-covered Raisin Day. Eat chocolate-covered raisins.

March 25: Waffle Day. Eat waffles.

March 26: Make Up Your Own Holiday Day. National Go To Work Without Pants Day?

March 27: National "Joe" Day. This holiday gives people who don't like their first names a chance to go by another name for a day. Frankly, my son Lipshitz Royer and I don't see why that would be necessary.

March 28: Something on a Stick Day. This is a day to celebrate sticks and all of the various things they are stuck into, including Popsicles, corndogs and Bill O'Reilly's ass.

March 29: Smoke and Mirrors Day. This holiday was established by the current administration to celebrate our victory in the war on terror.

March 30: I am in Control Day. This holiday was established by Rupert Murdoch to celebrate Rupert Murdoch and the suppression of images of flags draped on caskets by Rupert Murdoch.

March 31: Bunsen Burner Day. This holiday celebrates, uh, Bunsen burners.

We feel that we've done a good thing today. After the way we stuck it to St. Patrick's Day, maybe next time it will think twice about being so supercilious, which is a word we just looked up in our thesaurus. Now if you'll excuse us, we've got to get the kids to soccer practice. Come along, Lipshitz!

Posted by Jeff on 3/01/2007 12:08:00 AM

The Hold Steady, as you can see, are not much to look at.
Singer Craig Finn is balding and has a beer gut from chugging a six-pack onstage every night. Guitarist Tad Kubler looks like your Uncle Shlomo. Keyboardist Franz Nicolay has a waxed mustache.
No, The Hold Steady aren’t going to be supplanting Fall Out Boy in the looks category anytime soon. And they couldn’t give less of a shit.
Because despite their age, their figures and their flagrant lack of eyeliner, The Hold Steady are one of the hottest bands on the planet. Their combination of beat-poet vocals and Bud Light-commercial guitar riffs has every music mag in America drooling like a dog at dinnertime. The band has released three albums in the last three years, all of which ended up on best-of lists from Blender, Rolling Stone, New York Times, Spin …
In the wake of its most recent offering, Boys and Girls in America (October 2006), the New York five-piece is heading out on the road for the next stretch of a tour that started in 2004 and is likely to last until hell freezes over or they’re dead, whichever comes first.
In mid-February, Team Last Call tracked down Nicolay, who was in a cab working his way to the airport for another round of touring in Europe.
“What’s more boring than hearing some dude in a band complain about the road? So I’m not going to do that,” Nicolay says. “You can get away from your real life and live in a little tour-van bubble, when the only thing you’re responsible for is playing a 45-to-90-minute show every night.”
And making sure that your mustache looks good.
“That’s easy!” he laughs. “Shit, man, that takes care of itself.”
You can run into all sorts of characters at a Hold Steady show – the bohemian with a copy of “On the Road” in his hand, the drunk guy you saw pissing in the alley on your way into the club, the hot girl in your pottery class, the music journalist with the messenger bag covered in band buttons, the kid with the eyebrow rings that stole your girlfriend during the opening band’s set. These are also the characters you’ll hear about in The Hold Steady’s songs – tales of love, drugs, heartbreak and redemption (usually followed by more heartbreak) told through lyrics as thick as Dylan and as frank as Sandra Bernhard – all delivered through Finn’s nasal, scattershot talk-singing. They’ve got the same characteristic as a Drive-By Truckers song; these are stories of waste and woe told over music that doesn’t bow to the tragedy. When the story ends in the disaster, the music ends in triumph.
“Our songs are not all about the parties. They’re also about the aftermath and the consequences. There is regret and there’s nostalgia. We’re saying you can have those things and still experience a catharsis,” Nicolay explains. “It’s the same theory of the Irish wake – you do lose things and you feel blackness in life, but there’s a humanist way to approach that. Instead of bemoaning your fate, you say, ‘This is part of life. Life is loss as well as happiness, but it’s part of the celebration.’”
In a turn of irony, The Hold Steady’s greatest asset is also the element that’s been the hardest for new listeners to swallow: Finn’s voice. It ranges from a pinched, sarcastic growl to a machine-gun shout, from slightly abrasive to thoroughly distracting. Which is all part of what makes it so extraordinary.
But on Boys and Girls in America, the band offers up just the right combination of ear-candy barroom rock and punchy vocals. It’s by far the most accessible of the band’s albums, like a party in a can, simultaneously sweet and unnerving like a Sour Patch Kid. Finn adapts to the new flood of melodies offered up by Kubler and Nicolay, softening his voice when necessary and delivering the kind of sing-along choruses that were few and far between on the band’s fantastic 2005 album, Separation Sunday.
“So many people – Bob Dylan, Lou Reed, Gordon Gano from the Violent Femmes – there’s a whole history of people whose voices take some getting used to,” Nicolay says. “One of the phrases Craig has been using for this record is, ‘You gotta give them a little sugar with their medicine.’ If you couch [his voice] in this really comfortable music, then people are more likely to be receptive to what he has to say.”
For three years running, The Hold Steady have gotten such across-the-board praise – “Band of the Year” from Blender, “Best Bar Band in America” from NPR – that it’s amazing the members can even function. And that was before Boys and Girls in America even came out.
“It’s kind of important for us to register it and appreciate it, but at the same time, not get too caught up in it,” Nicolay says of the chatter. “You can’t go around life thinking, ‘We’re the greatest rock and roll band in the country! What would the greatest band in the country be doing right now? Is this new song worthy of the greatest rock and roll band?’ or you’d never write a song!”
The Hold Steady with writer’s block? Somehow I don’t see that happening.
*Reprinted from Fly Magazine