TEAM LAST CALL

Today we are here to say that we were wrong, and we're not just saying that because Dr. Pepper stubbornly refused to mail us a free case after our article came out.

Just kidding. Of course that's why we're saying it.

The problem is that Dr. Pepper has completely failed to grasp the fundamentals of the journalism business, in which Team Last Call is clearly a frontrunner. See, we in the journalism field don't really make what people on Wall Street refer to as "money." Because of that, we are forced to live almost exclusively on free handouts from the companies we write about. Otherwise, like, why would we write about them?

Speaking of which, don't you think that Krispy Kreme doughnuts are the best doughnuts ever created in the history of all doughnuts everywhere? We sure do. If we could, we here at Team Last Call (22 East McGovern Avenue, Lancaster, PA 17602) would eat Krispy Kreme doughnuts for every meal.

That's not to say that companies should be shy about sending free handouts before an article is written. The formula works just as well in reverse: the more willing you are to give out freebies, the more willing we journalists are to write about you. Which explains why Paris Hilton gets so much press. (Nice one!)

Here's an example of journalism in action: A few years ago, Team Last Call dedicated an article to its favorite lunchtime treat, the pineapple chicken wrap. Within a few weeks, an enormous platter of pineapple chicken wraps was delivered straight to our door, free of charge, courtesy of a completely anonymous source (Sandwich Factory). Team Last Call was exceedingly grateful for the kind gesture, and would like to take this time to reiterate that our favorite lunchtime treat is still the pineapple chicken wrap. If anything, it's gotten even more delicious over the years. Just thinking about eating (a free) one right now is making us drool.

That's what we call teamwork, people.

You would think that by this point a corporation as big as Dr. Pepper would know how to play "the game." It's not like we're asking for any kind of special treatment. These are universal rules that every journalist plays by, which explains why Bill O'Reilly spends so much time doing news segments on adult diapers. Or maybe he doesn't. We don't really know. But he probably should, because it would save him a lot of money.

Anyway, this whole situation is a real shame, because Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream Soda had a lot going for it, including an especially long name that really helped with our word count. But we're afraid we've been left with no choice. Dr. Pepper has violated a sacred trust, and for that reason, we are officially stripping Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream of its title as the "greatest beverage ever in the history of planet earth."

Look at it cover its face in shame! That's what you get, Dr. Pooper!

But there is a silver lining to this whole situation. We are pleased to announce that, once we recovered from Dr. Pepper's disgusting show of insolence, we discovered a new "greatest beverage ever in the history of planet earth," one that not only has a great taste, but, we're assuming, is willing to send us free stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you: Glacéau VitaminWater Endurance (Peach-Mango).

Like Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream, Glacéau VitaminWater Endurance (Peach-Mango) has a long name that helps us reach our word count much faster, especially if we keep repeating its name, which is Glacéau VitaminWater Endurance (Peach-Mango).

It also has a delicious flavor that we can't quite put our finger on. It tastes like peach, but at the same time, it somehow tastes like mango. It's like some kind of space-age mango/peach hybrid, like something Captain Kirk would find on the planet Meach in the distant galaxy Pango.

Glacéau VitaminWater Endurance (Peach-Mango) also has six totally different vitamins, which do lots of good, vitaminy things to your body. Dr. Pepper, on the other hand, has aspartame, which has been proven to cause – among other things – diarrhea, hair loss, hives, memory loss, nausea, hearing loss, tremors and death. And stinginess.

Clearly, Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream has met its match. Not only does Glacéau VitaminWater Endurance (Peach-Mango) have a long name, a futuristic taste and an abundance of vitamins, but it totally doesn't give you the runs. Or hives. Or death.

In conclusion, there's a new sheriff in Drink-town, and he's got a delicious, peachy aftertaste. And we here at Team Last Call (22 East McGovern Avenue, Lancaster, PA 17602) couldn't be happier.

God's created a lot of cool stuff over the past few millennia – woolly mammoths, rock and roll, boobies – but His greatest creation to-date has got to be Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream.

We here at Team Last Call are totally and completely obsessed with this soda. We buy it by the case and throw it back like Paris Hilton at an open bar – the main difference being that we always remember to wear our panties.

In addition to having a long name that helps us reach our word count much faster, Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream is delicious. The experience of drinking Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream is like riding a unicorn over a rainbow and around the moon and landing in a magical utopia where no one fights or steals and the roads are paved with beef jerky and gumdrops rain from the sky and Howie Mandel has been permanently banned from television. It washes away the stress of your day and takes you to a different state, like Delaware. It also apparently gives you brain cancer, but we'll get to that later.

There are plenty of people who share my obsession over Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream. Since its release in April 2006, demand for the soda has far outweighed the supply. Stores haven't been able to keep it on shelves, making it harder to find than a fact in a Fox News report.

It's gotten to the point that fans have actually resorted to bidding against each other in online auctions (at one point, Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream was the second-most popular search on eBay), which is both sad and funny at the same time. Like Nickelback's music.

But once you taste it, you will understand how it's possible for people to become so infatuated with Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream that they are willing to do almost anything to get it, including selling their right testicle to a guy in the back of a van parked at the McDonald's on King Street. For example.

However, we are a nation divided – not by race, religion or political party, but by those who recognize Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream for the bottle of joy and redemption that it is, and those who are dumb.

In fact – and this is actually true – there are people who dislike Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream so much that they started an online petition to have it pulled from store shelves (www.petitiononline.com/drpepban/petition.html), which is stupider than driving a Hummer with a "Save the Earth" bumper sticker.

In the document, the soda is referred to as a "vile" and "repugnant liquid" that "tastes like a carbonated cough syrup and probably should not be ingested by individuals with an active set of taste receptors on their tongue!" On the cleverness scale, this rates somewhere between a ham sandwich and a mesh baseball cap that reads "Kill 'em all. Let God sort 'em out." But it's still smarter than Larry the Cable Guy.

At press time the petition only had 12 signatures – again, both funny and sad. But still, the very existence of the petition is troubling. Like, who gets angry at soda?

Taking the time to coordinate an anti-soda offensive is as pointless as walking into the middle of a field and trying to swat all off the oxygen molecules out of the air. Or sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq. I mean, isn't there something more constructive you could do with your time and resources? Like – oh, I don't know – fixing up New Orleans?

If there is one justified complaint about Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream, it's that it contains a high amount of aspartame, which is only a problem if you've got some kind of hang up about brain cancer, lymphoma, seizures and genotoxic effects. I'm pretty sure that genotoxic isn't even a real word.

If you want to get all technical about it, there are a few other slightly negative reactions linked to the ingestion of aspartame, including abdominal pain, arthritis, asthma, burning urination, chest pains, chronic cough, confusion, depression, diarrhea, dizziness, fatigue, hair loss, headaches, hearing loss, heart palpitations, hives, impotency, insomnia, joint pains, laryngitis, memory loss, menstrual problems, muscle spasms, nausea, numbness of extremities, panic attacks, rashes, slurring of speech, tremors, tinnitus, vertigo, vision loss and weight gain. Plus death. But, like, it tastes really good.

The way we figure it, if you try hard enough, you can link just about anything to aspartame. Like, if there is a large vat of aspartame on the floor, and you trip and hit your head on a cabinet and land face-first in the vat, there is a clear danger that aspartame could lead to suffocation. So watch out.

But isn't everything we do a calculated risk? For example, according to a severely outdated article we just found on a questionable website, one man out of every 500,000 dies during sex. Will that statistic scare men away from having sex? Of course not. A charging rhinoceros could barely scare a man away from having sex. And if you're going to die anyway, isn't having sex just about the best way to go? Well, that's how we feel about Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream.

We're not saying that we'd pick Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream over having sex with … say … you. We're just saying that while we're having sex, we'll also be drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream soda. And if that's not a turn-on, we don't know what is.