Posted by Jeff on 3/01/2008 12:31:00 AM

Last month, the Super Bowl and Mardi Gras took place within two days of each other, making it the most barf-tastic three-day stretch in recent memory.

Lord only knows how much alcohol was consumed and expelled during that magical time period. If Lindsey Lohan had anything to say about it, the answer is a lot.

"But wait!" you might be thinking. "What about this month? Isn't there anything to barf about in March?"

Actually, there's plenty to barf about this month. In fact, March might be the single barfiest month of the year, thanks to one internationally celebrated Irish holiday I like call "Throw Up Beer In The Back Of Your Friend's Car Day." Easter!

Just kidding. It's St. Patrick's Day. Or as Amy Winehouse likes to call it, Day.

So, why is St. Patrick's Day so throw up-y? Well, according to one reputable website, by which I mean Wikipedia, many American St. Patrick's Day celebrations center around "alcohol." And if it says it on Wikipedia, then you know it's true. Or that it's totally not true. You never know, which is part of why Wikipedia is awesome. It's like playing Russian roulette, only instead of bullets, you use facts.

For example, I looked up Tom Cruise on Wikipedia and couldn't find the words "creepy," "really creepy" or "super creepy" anywhere, so that shows you just how off it can be. I wonder if Wikipedia is where President Bush looked to see if Iraq had WMDs? Just a thought.

Anyway, the point is, a lot of people drink alcohol on St. Patrick's Day. As studies show, the abuse of alcohol can have some pretty horrifying consequences, such as hangovers, automobile accidents and voting for Mitt Romney. Who, according to Wikipedia, is made of 80 percent plastic. Then again, Wikipedia also claims that Romney has withdrawn from the presidential race. So there's an example of Wikipedia being right twice in a row.

But worse than any of these side effects, drinking can lead to barfing, which, according to several top scientists, sucks. And yet, no matter how many times they might learn this hard lesson first-hand, millions of Americans will once again end their St. Patrick's Day bowing down before the porcelain god. Calling Huey on the great white telephone. Mugging the porcelain tourist. Playing with the edible yo-yo. Giggling to Ralph over the porcelain intercom. Making a pavement pizza. Singing solo in the porcelain amphitheater. And other funny phrases I found online to boost my word count.

What makes it worse is that most people don't have the faintest idea what they're actually celebrating on St. Patrick's Day.

In fact, for a lot of people (Lindsey Lohan), St. Patrick's Day is distinguished from Mardi Gras only by the fact that the beer they're throwing up is green.

The real reason we celebrate is, of course, to commemorate the life and deeds of St. Patrick, who is famous for chasing all of the snakes out of Ireland, presumably by putting on a green plastic hat and throwing up Jell-O shots on them. This feat is all the more amazing when you consider the fact that Ireland never had any snakes to begin with. And that's an actual true, scientific, non-made-up fact. As opposed to this one: George Bush was forged in the fires of Mordor.

Which is a lie because, as Wikipedia points out, he was actually the one doing the forging.

I don't mean to give the impression that I did all of my research for this article on Wikipedia. That couldn't be further from the truth. I also did some research on pukeplanet.com, which is a website consisting entirely of pictures of people barfing. That's sort of bizarre in and of itself, but the truly remarkable part is how the website advertises itself as – and I swear this is true – "the best site for puke pictures on the web."

So if you've been less than satisfied with the puke-picture sites you've been frequenting lately, you know where to go.

Sometimes I think about St. Patrick's Day and all of the barfing and wonder how things got so out of hand. Like, 400 years ago it was a holy day of obligation for Roman Catholics in Ireland. Now it's a day when people go out to bars, drink their body weight in green-tinted domestic drafts and blarney all over each other's shoes. It's like the entire holiday has been secularized, which is a really, really sad thing. I mean, what would Santa say if he were here?

Yeah, sometimes I get down about St. Patrick's Day. But then I think about those tiny little men in the funny suits who are always hiding their gold – What do you call those again? Republicans? – and I smile.

At least next year we won't have one of those in the White House.

Posted by Jeff on 3/01/2008 12:06:00 AM


“We’re kind of like the dirty old uncle of the music business that everybody thinks is cool, but nobody invites when they have decent friends coming over.”
It’s not the prettiest metaphor Mike Cooley’s ever used, but it’s as good as any when it comes to describing the Drive-By Truckers’ place in the music world. For years, these torchbearers of Southern rock have been smothered with stadium-sized praise, but never really managed to graduate from the sticky-floored club scene.
“Greatest band on planet Earth” isn’t a tag that’s often bestowed upon a band that most of America has never even heard of. But there’s just something about the Truckers that makes journalists get all googley. The hell’s-bells triple-guitar attack; the blue-collar laments; the blue-collar celebrations; the bottles of Jack they pass around onstage; the burning honesty of the lyrics; the intelligence and wit; the wild abandon; and the fact that they seem almost completely unaware that they’re responsible for any of these things.
The departure of Jason Isbell, one of the Drive-By Truckers’ three frontmen, between albums resulted in a lot of nail-biting among the band’s fan base. But Cooley and his musical partner of over 20 years, Patterson Hood, didn’t get the memo to be nervous. Instead, the two holed themselves up and, with some unexpected help from bassist Shonna Tucker, sneezed out what might be the finest album of their career.
Brighter Than Creation’s Dark is, as Hood has called it, a “grower.” None of the tracks is going to make it to Top 40 in our lifetime – although lead single “The Righteous Path” could have given Neil Young and Crazy Horse a run for their money in the ’70s. But taken as a whole, the album is simultaneously the calm before, the eye of, and the aftermath of the storm, a revolving mass of earthquaking rockers, hushed ballads and instant alt-country classics.
Team Last Call caught up with Cooley in mid-February to get the Drive-By Truckers’ state of the union.

Team Last Call: Patterson called Brighter Than Creation’s Dark your best album, which I know bands are supposed to say about every new album – but is that something you agree with?
Mike Cooley: This really is. I don’t think there’s any argument. The songs overall, song for song, I think are better. I think we played better and broke some new ground.

TLC: I know you get squirmy around the word “mature,” but I think it does apply to this album. It’s more songwriting, less muscle.
MC: If you can get better instead of older, then “mature” is good. [laughs] But it’s like, you know, “Oh, they’re mature now.” And the next thing you hear is, “The big summer tour – Harry Connick Jr. with the Drive-By Truckers!” Ahh!

TLC: This time around, you individually are getting the most praise for the songs you contributed.
MC: I’ve always had my fans. Some of them are a little scary, but I think overall they mean well.

TLC: Pitchfork called you the “hell-raising, yarn-spinning fuck-up” of the band. Is that fair?
MC: I haven’t been a fuck-up in a long time, but when I was, I was a marvelous fuck-up. So that’s fair. I’m just finally getting press for it.

TLC: The songs on this album stick with the same dark themes you’ve been writing about for years – the tragic characters, drinking and drugs, murder and suicide. Where does that dark streak come from?
MC: It’s just more interesting to write about. [laughs] We’ve had plenty of close associations with all those things. It makes you think and affects you on a more emotional level than the happy stuff does. The tragedy is just a better movie. When you see somebody sliding down into the gutter, it affects you a lot longer.

TLC: You said in another interview that this has been a year of highlights for you. What did you mean by that?
MC: First of all, we ended last year with some much, much needed time off the road. That had more to do with the creative streak and the quality of the songs than anything, just being able to, for me, stay in my own space long enough to get it out and get it done. So I felt real good about that. And then we shifted right into doing the Betty LaVette record. Now all of the sudden I’ve got this chance to be a part of making a really cool soul record in Muscle Shoals. You grow up loving that music, and I figured being a part of something like that just was never going to happen. But it happened, and it was fun, and now it’s nominated for a Grammy. So, even better! [Editor’s note about the Grammy: no dice.] It’s just been a great year.

TLC FM: Isbell left the band after five years and three albums. Can you talk about what that was like?
MC: It was a friendly split. It wasn’t any big deal. It was time for him to go do his own thing. He’s talented, he’s prolific. And he’s done great. It was definitely a lot better than having somebody leave in the middle of a tour or making a record.

TLC: Did you feel like you had something to prove to fans who were concerned after he left?
MC: Not really. We were a band for five years before [he joined]. I think we just wanted to make a good record. We wanted to be creative again.

TLC: It was fun as a fan watching Shonna step up with songs of her own. I think having the different writers’ voices and perspectives is part of the whole Drive-By Truckers deal.
MC: It is! If me and Patterson had to write all the songs, we’d find a way to make it work. We’ve done it before. But her coming in with songs was kind of a surprise for us. We had no idea until we went into the studio.

TLC: You and Patterson have persevered through divorce, financial struggles, mental breakdowns, Isbell’s departure. What keeps pushing you forward?
MC: I guess we’re in love. [laughs]

TLC: When people throw things at you like “the greatest band in the world,” how do you even respond to that?
MC: I’m just glad I didn’t have to say it myself. [laughs] I didn’t get into this game to lose!

TLC: I read that you’re considering moving on without a record label.
MC: Since we signed to New West, it’s like, everything is different. I think anybody at a point of making a major decision needs to sit down and do a little thinking, because the traditional record company-artist relationship and business model is obsolete now. It just doesn’t work anymore. I don’t know what we’re actually going to do, other than try to maintain our fan base and build it. That’s what we’ve built everything on. We’ve never been able to rely on all the things that artists of the past could rely on a record company for.

TLC: But you never know – maybe New West will surprise you by landing you a tour with Hannah Montana!
MC: They could surprise me by having an original idea! [laughs]

TLC: That being said, do you talk about the things you still want to accomplish together?
MC: We’ve got this year to think about it. We’ve got this record out, and it’s on New West whether we like it or not. I would love to have kept this one for myself because I like it. But we’re going to tour behind it. We’re going to hand-deliver it to our fans like we always have. I’ve always lived by the philosophy that if you take care of what’s important, everything else will take care of itself. And our fans built us. They’re why we have a job. We’ll find a way to take care of them.
*Reprinted from Fly Magazine