We are writing today in order to address a very serious injustice that recently occurred here at Fly Magazine.
Last month, in anticipation of football season, we here at Team Last Call made a statement in one of our articles about the Eagles – the best team in the history of football – and the Steelers, who are to football what a three-legged donkey is to the Kentucky Derby.
However, Team Last Call failed to consider one important factor: before our articles go into print, they have to pass through the sneaky little hands of Team Art Department, which happens to consist entirely of Steelers fans. And which also happens to smell like cabbage.
Team Art Department basically has one main responsibility at Fly Magazine, which is to design all of the ads and articles. We know what you're thinking, and we agree – a one-armed monkey probably could do that job.
The only other job Team Art Department really has, other than listening to really, really bad music all day long, is to not mess with our articles.
And yet, in a shocking display of sneakiness and cabbage-smelliness, Team Art Department decided to switch our article around to make it look as if we were not only booing our beloved Eagles, but that we would actually consider supporting a team that prances around in little gold tights like a bunch of backup dancers left over from some mid-'80s Cher tour.
We here at Team Last Call would like to state unequivocally that we are most definitely not Steelers fans. And we never will be. Rooting for that awful team makes about as much sense as speeding around on a motorcycle without a helmet. Roethlisber-gotcha!
We would also like to assure our readers that this kind of trickery will never, ever happen again. Believe us, Team Art Department has learned its lesson. Oh, yes, we drilled it into their little pea-brains in a way that they won't ever forget. Trust us – they won't ever have the nerve to change our articles again.
How did we do it? We marched into their cabbagey office and [whined like a baby] for, like, half an hour. We told them right to their faces exactly how [awesome] they were being. Then we told them to eat [candy] and gave them the middle [candy].
No – don't pity them. Team Art Department had it coming. They were clearly [brilliant] in their thinking and should be [thrown a parade] for what they did. Their behavior had to be punished, and if the only way to do that was by [wearing ladies' underwear], then [wearing ladies' underwear] was exactly what we were going to do.
We don't mean to come across as overly [fat], but it is our duty to [lose some weight] before Team Art Department [is awesome] again. But we have to admit that it goes beyond just a sense of duty. This is a personal issue, too.
What these people don't seem to realize is that we put a lot of time and effort into our [Barbie doll outfits]. So to have someone come along and change our [Barbie doll's outfit] without asking us first is upsetting. In fact, it's infuriating, and it makes us feel as if our [pants] have been [peed in].
And it doesn't stop there – you can't forget about the readers. Our columns are a source of comfort and joy for literally [tens] of people each month. They count on us each month to [bore them to death]. It's obvious that Team Art Department doesn't realize just how [small] our [penis] really is.
Maybe you're wondering why we are [way overreacting] about this whole issue. We don't mean to be obsessive, but we just really can't stop [farting] about it. It really comes down to our great respect for the sacred institution of journalism. We're sure that on some level Team Art Department shares [our wife], but this recent display of mischief has us wondering just how [much more endowed] they are.
And this is not the first time Team Art Department has [n]ever made a mistake. In fact, just last week [Team Last Call got caught in a Victoria's Secret dressing room trying on brassieres].
[We should also probably mention that we constantly pick our nose in the office when we think no one's looking, and that we are bed-wetters. And we have herpes.]
The fact is, [Team Last Call hasn't written a single joke in about five years that we didn't steal from the internet].
Needless to say, we can safely assure you, the Last Call reader, that this little mishap will [always] happen again. You want the authentic Last Call column, and that's exactly what you'll [never see again] from here on out. We know that our column gives you [gas] each month, and we will do everything in our power to ensure that you experience that same kind of [gas] for years to come.
There. We feel much [fatter] now, and we hope that you do too. Now if you'll excuse us, we've got a football game to watch! Go [Steelers]!
