This month, Team Last Call completes its fourth year as the World's Funniest Columnist, as voted by our mommy.
Over the past four years, Team Last Call has become something of a local celebrity. People are always coming up to us in restaurants and asking us things like, "How do you manage to be so funny all of the time?" and "Doesnt it ever get tiring being such a comedic genius?" and "Which is worse, being 29 and balding, or being 29 and still not able to grow a full beard?"
The answer is C) being 29 and still thinking that flatulence is funny.
You see, we here at Team Last Call have a little problem with maturity. We're basically like a gigantic toddler with a receding hairline. Which is the long way of saying we're like Fred Durst, except without the homemade porn films.
At times, our immaturity can be disheartening. But we know we're not alone. After all, you're the one sitting here voluntarily reading a column destined to be filled with fart jokes, so it looks like we're in this together. Toot!
Which brings us to our point: Team Last Call's immaturity is actually the secret behind all of our success. By "success," we're referring to the millions of readers we've earned over the past four years. And by "millions of readers," we mean our mom. Thanks, mom.
But for real, it makes us feel a lot better to know that you're out there, that we're not the only ones around here whose idea of a good time is a room full of friends, a can of beans and a lighter. And possibly an extinguisher.
Our four-year anniversary is a very momentous occasion for us here at Team Last Call. We're proud of what we've accomplished during our tenure here. We're an example of the American Dream in action. Our career is a victory for the little guy. We know what you're thinking: "Team Last Call's career is a victory for Ryan Seacrest?" Yes, but not just Ryan Seacrest. It's a victory for all tiny TV show hosts, including Sylvester Stallone (host of "The Contender"), who, Team Last Call recently learned, is rumored to be as short as 5-foot-7.
We also read that rapper Ja Rule is just 5-foot-6 (he's just a little thug!), Madonna is 5-foot-4 and Prince measures in at a teeny-tiny 5-foot-2. We discovered all of this priceless info on www.shortsupport.org, which is an actual online resource designed to "provide inspiration to short people to help better their lives and attitudes." Heh. Heh heh. Ha ha. Hahahahahahahahaha!
See, as respected heavyweights in the field of journalism, we here at Team Last Call consider it our duty to stay well informed on topics such as current events, politics and, most importantly, Lindsey Lohan. As part of our unswerving commitment to you, the Last Call reader, we literally spend hours of our time each day researching these topics (especially Lindsey Lohan) on such valuable resources as the E! Channel and People magazine. Sometimes our research involves napping.
But when you're looking for factual facts such as the kind we use in our columns, there is only one resource you can really trust: the internet, or as we like to call it, the Truthnet.
The Truthnet is where we stumbled upon www.shortsupport.org (no pun intended). It's also where we visit sites like www.weirdpicturearchive.com, which features such eye-opening photos as a mouse with a human ear growing out of its back and a dude who can stick his finger up his nose and poke it out through his eye socket. Oh, by the way, skip this paragraph if you just ate.
The Truthnet is also home to such classic sites as samugliestdog.typepad.com, the online home of the ugliest dog to ever walk the planet. And don't forget about www.selfnutpunch.com/enter.html, a site devoted entirely to videos of young men smacking themselves as hard as they can right in the how-do-you-do.
I guess what Team Last Call is trying to say is that the secret to our staggering success thus far has been the combination of our immaturity (Toot!) and our hopeless addiction to the Truthnet specifically to ebaumsworld.com, where this morning we saw a video clip of a man squirting milk out of his eyeball.
Being a famous columnist can sometimes be a thankless job. Each article requires countless hours of painstaking research, during which we consume as many as two boxes of Krispy Kremes. But when the going gets tough, we ask ourselves where the world would be without our monthly dose of witticism. We picture a world without fart jokes, a world where no one is brave enough to call out Hummer owners for the obnoxious turds they are, a world where people float through life without ever suspecting that Rocky is practically a midget. And to that world, we boldly say, "No, thank you!"
If you're an adult who's obsessed with flatulence and has high-speed internet access at work, then you too could be a famous columnist. Not only can you exercise your creativity but if you market it properly you could be raking in literally tens of dollars each month! It worked for us, and it could work for you! Just send $10 (check or money order) to Team Last Call, c/o Fly Magazine, 22 East McGovern Avenue, Lancaster, PA 17602, and we'll get you started with our no-risk beginner's kit, including a pen, a notepad and a Team Last Call figurine, complete with receding hairline and a lifelike potbelly. Toot!
Over the past four years, Team Last Call has become something of a local celebrity. People are always coming up to us in restaurants and asking us things like, "How do you manage to be so funny all of the time?" and "Doesnt it ever get tiring being such a comedic genius?" and "Which is worse, being 29 and balding, or being 29 and still not able to grow a full beard?"
The answer is C) being 29 and still thinking that flatulence is funny.
You see, we here at Team Last Call have a little problem with maturity. We're basically like a gigantic toddler with a receding hairline. Which is the long way of saying we're like Fred Durst, except without the homemade porn films.
At times, our immaturity can be disheartening. But we know we're not alone. After all, you're the one sitting here voluntarily reading a column destined to be filled with fart jokes, so it looks like we're in this together. Toot!
Which brings us to our point: Team Last Call's immaturity is actually the secret behind all of our success. By "success," we're referring to the millions of readers we've earned over the past four years. And by "millions of readers," we mean our mom. Thanks, mom.
But for real, it makes us feel a lot better to know that you're out there, that we're not the only ones around here whose idea of a good time is a room full of friends, a can of beans and a lighter. And possibly an extinguisher.
Our four-year anniversary is a very momentous occasion for us here at Team Last Call. We're proud of what we've accomplished during our tenure here. We're an example of the American Dream in action. Our career is a victory for the little guy. We know what you're thinking: "Team Last Call's career is a victory for Ryan Seacrest?" Yes, but not just Ryan Seacrest. It's a victory for all tiny TV show hosts, including Sylvester Stallone (host of "The Contender"), who, Team Last Call recently learned, is rumored to be as short as 5-foot-7.
We also read that rapper Ja Rule is just 5-foot-6 (he's just a little thug!), Madonna is 5-foot-4 and Prince measures in at a teeny-tiny 5-foot-2. We discovered all of this priceless info on www.shortsupport.org, which is an actual online resource designed to "provide inspiration to short people to help better their lives and attitudes." Heh. Heh heh. Ha ha. Hahahahahahahahaha!
See, as respected heavyweights in the field of journalism, we here at Team Last Call consider it our duty to stay well informed on topics such as current events, politics and, most importantly, Lindsey Lohan. As part of our unswerving commitment to you, the Last Call reader, we literally spend hours of our time each day researching these topics (especially Lindsey Lohan) on such valuable resources as the E! Channel and People magazine. Sometimes our research involves napping.
But when you're looking for factual facts such as the kind we use in our columns, there is only one resource you can really trust: the internet, or as we like to call it, the Truthnet.
The Truthnet is where we stumbled upon www.shortsupport.org (no pun intended). It's also where we visit sites like www.weirdpicturearchive.com, which features such eye-opening photos as a mouse with a human ear growing out of its back and a dude who can stick his finger up his nose and poke it out through his eye socket. Oh, by the way, skip this paragraph if you just ate.
The Truthnet is also home to such classic sites as samugliestdog.typepad.com, the online home of the ugliest dog to ever walk the planet. And don't forget about www.selfnutpunch.com/enter.html, a site devoted entirely to videos of young men smacking themselves as hard as they can right in the how-do-you-do.
I guess what Team Last Call is trying to say is that the secret to our staggering success thus far has been the combination of our immaturity (Toot!) and our hopeless addiction to the Truthnet specifically to ebaumsworld.com, where this morning we saw a video clip of a man squirting milk out of his eyeball.
Being a famous columnist can sometimes be a thankless job. Each article requires countless hours of painstaking research, during which we consume as many as two boxes of Krispy Kremes. But when the going gets tough, we ask ourselves where the world would be without our monthly dose of witticism. We picture a world without fart jokes, a world where no one is brave enough to call out Hummer owners for the obnoxious turds they are, a world where people float through life without ever suspecting that Rocky is practically a midget. And to that world, we boldly say, "No, thank you!"
If you're an adult who's obsessed with flatulence and has high-speed internet access at work, then you too could be a famous columnist. Not only can you exercise your creativity but if you market it properly you could be raking in literally tens of dollars each month! It worked for us, and it could work for you! Just send $10 (check or money order) to Team Last Call, c/o Fly Magazine, 22 East McGovern Avenue, Lancaster, PA 17602, and we'll get you started with our no-risk beginner's kit, including a pen, a notepad and a Team Last Call figurine, complete with receding hairline and a lifelike potbelly. Toot!
