As per usual, prior to writing my column, I conducted hours of extensive research on the Internet in order to ensure that I wouldn't have to come up with any of my own jokes. While conducting this research, I made many startling discoveries, including the fact that I can fit upwards of three Krispy Kremes in my mouth at a time.
Another profound discovery was how very many slang words there are for "testicles." For your reading pleasure, and also for my word count's pleasure, here are several of my favorite testicle euphemisms: balls, nuts, berries, jewels, danglies, plums, stones, rocks, bobbles, love apples, teabags, cajones, huevos, Rocky Mountain oysters, Montana tendergroin, hairy grapes and Dick Cheney.
Sample sentence: "The next TruckNutz owner who sends me an angry e-mail is getting kicked right in the Dick Cheney."
Euphemisms like those have existed for thousands of years, ever since the invention of the first dirty word, which was "glockenspiel." Some of these terms were created for the sake of political correctness, like "special needs" and "nail technician." Others were invented as replacements for swear words ("dog mess"). And others were developed in order to sugarcoat, "spin" or otherwise misrepresent the truth of a matter ("mission accomplished").
Some of the earliest euphemisms were what are now called "minced oaths," or words used to avoid profanity – "Gosh" instead of "God," "darn" instead of "damn," "heck" instead of "hell," etc. Many of these words date back to biblical times, making them some of the oldest words in the history of language, along with "apple," "serpent," "Israel," "begat," "camel," "Joseph" and "Technicolor dreamcoat."
Over time, however, many great euphemisms have been phased out of common language, much like punctuation and grammar. For example, no one uses the popular Elizabethan exclamations like "zounds" (a shortening of "God's wounds!") and "gadzooks" ("God's hooks!" – referring to the nails on Jesus' cross) anymore, except for people who are actually from the Elizabethan era, like John McCain.
Some euphemisms became so commonplace over time that they eventually were deemed to be just as offensive as the original term. For example, the word "crippled," once thought to be demeaning, was replaced by the less severe "handicapped." That, in turn, became offensive, and was replaced by "disabled," which was replaced by "physically challenged," which was replaced by "differently abled," which hasn't been replaced yet because nobody knows what it means.
Other euphemisms are so politically correct that they're offensive again. Like saying "vertically challenged" instead of "short" – how patronizing is that? I mean, really! Don't these people face enough tiny little challenges in their day, what with their stumpy little arms and beady little eyes? The last thing they need is to be insulted, no matter how adorable it is when they get "angry." Bless their little hearts.
Don't say "vertically challenged" – say "short," or even "impish" or "itty-bitty." Just don't condescend. Don't waste your breath on "gravitationally challenged" – say "fat." Don't mince your words with "morally challenged" – just say "republican." And don't beat around the bush with "intellectually challenged" – again, just say "republican."
Sometimes a word has so many different euphemisms that it's hard to keep track of which is OK to use. Take "fat," for example. There's "overweight," "obese," "big-boned," "curvy," "chunky," "plus-size," "great personality," "Dick Cheney" …
Who's to say which is right? It really gets confusing after a while. For instance, you could literally have a sentence that goes, "Dick Cheney has a really Dick Cheney Dick Cheney." What does that even mean? You tell me. And while you're at it, maybe you'd like to explain what you were doing looking at Dick Cheney's Dick Cheney in the first place.
Clearly, all of these euphemisms are getting out of hand. And the situation's only going to get more kerfluffled from here.
The younger generation has started cutting out words altogether in favor of text-message acronyms like OMG ("Oh my god!"), LMAO ("Laughing my ass off!") and BILLOREILLY ("Dog mess!"). The main problem with acronyms is that if you're over the age of 13, you can't really use them without looking totally republican. Plus, if you have to explain what the acronyms mean every time you use them, it sort of defeats the point. KWIM?
I think we should just wipe the slate clean and create a new batch of euphemisms so that people can successfully not swear in a way that everybody else can understand. Or better yet, let's create a whole new set of swear words that won't offend anyone, like shrubbery, doily and kitchenette.
Sample sentence: "Bill O'Reilly is a idiotic piece of shrubbery who should be repeatedly smacked in his doily until he stops talking such complete and utter dog mess. Kitchenette!"
That way, the swearer is able to vent, and can do so without upsetting anyone, like, for example, my mother.
And if you've got a problem with that, you can go Google yourself.
