TEAM LAST CALL

We English majors are widely recognized as the centerpiece of modern society, the glue that holds it all together, without whom the world would be overrun by grammatical terrorists and would constantly be besieged by run-on sentences and poor punctuation and would surely sputter and die.

A lot of people think of us as some kind of superhuman race, and I admit that they’re not far off. We really are a magnificent breed. Sure, we tend to be snippy and humorless, and often have shortcomings in areas such as “basic math” and “being able to do a push-up,” but we can parse a sentence with the unbridled fury of a grizzly bear and/or Bill O’Reilly.

Not to pour salt on the wound, but in addition to being an English major, I also happen to be a professional editor, and you are not. Like most of my peers, I didn’t choose to be an editor; editing chose me. It’s a higher calling that can’t be ignored, a small, sweet voice floating on the breeze that says, “You live in your parents’ basement, have no job prospects and no marketable skills – why not edit for a magazine?”

We professional editors have a dizzying number of responsibilities, the most important of which is to silently judge everything you do and say. When you conclude a sentence with a preposition, we are there, shaking our heads in disdain. When your pronouns fail to match their antecedents, we are there, snorting away in nerdy, anal-retentive glee. When your participles are left dangling, we are there, watching, always watching. Unless “Passions” is on TV, in which case we’ll be back in an hour.

Of the many grammatical blunders I witness from day to day, my favorite by far is what I like to call the “misuse” of “quotes.” As you’re about to see, this common blunder can turn an ordinary sentence into a veritable “wonderland” of “editorial fun.” Come with me as we skip gaily through the halls of grammar.

Quote marks can be used for a wide variety of reasons within a sentence, all of which are “fun” and “action-packed.” Think of them as the Regis Philbin of punctuation marks; they’re multi-talented, they’re a total hoot, and they’ve got their own TV talk show. Or they should, anyway.

As you may know, the most common use of quote marks is to show when a writer is directly quoting another person.

Example 1: “Majoring in English is a good idea,” said the high school guidance counselor.

Example 2: “Would you like fries with that?” asked the recently graduated English major.

Another function of quote marks is to indicate when a word or phrase is being used in a non-traditional way.

Example 1: I think that George Bush is really “smart” and I hope he gets “reelected” this month.

Example 2: I think that John Kerry is both “handsome” and “engaging” and I look forward to “not dying of boredom” during his inaugural speech.

Another function of quote marks, which I made up just now, is to emphasize certain key words within a joke, thereby making it even “funnier” and “wittier.”

Example 1: Mom, can I have some “money?” I haven’t “eaten” in a week.

Example 2: I guess you should have “thought of that” before you “majored” in “English.”

But sometimes people use quote marks for absolutely no discernible reason, meaning that they’re either “confused” or have some kind of flagrant disregard for the sacred rites of “punctuation,” which is, of course, ridiculous. That’s like saying you hate babies or would like to punch a bunny in the face.

Let’s take a “look” at how some of these misused quote marks can adversely affect a sentence.

Sample sentence one: My favorite restaurant, Señorita Burrita, makes tacos with rice and beans.

Sample sentence two: My favorite restaurant, Señorita Burrita, makes tacos with “rice” and “beans.”

In the first sentence, we learn that there is a restaurant named Señorita Burrita that offers rice and bean tacos.

But in the second sentence, thanks to the errant quote marks, it becomes clear that Señorita Burrita doesn’t actually use rice and beans, but instead fills its tacos with what we can only assume is people.

Now, let’s apply this to a real-life scenario. The other day, I noticed a pet store right near my house with a sign that read: Pet Supplies “and more.”

This is ominous. What’s being communicated here is that, in addition to cat food and birdcages, this pet store stocks something so perverse, something so unspeakably sinister that all the owners can do is hint at it. What lies in the dark and seedy back room of Pet Supplies “and more?” Dick Cheney, that’s what.

That’s just a guess, of course. The only people who can really answer that question are the store’s owners, managers and the two or three English majors who mop the floors after hours.

I also came across an unfortunate advertisement for an area restaurant that said: Wings made “any way you want.”

What the ad is trying to say, of course, is that customers can order their wings in a wide variety of styles. Hot wings, suicide wings, double-suicide wings, the-heat-at-which-Hummer-owners-will-burn-for-eternity wings – the possibilities are limitless. Little do patrons suspect, however, that by saying “any way you want,” the ad actually means that the restaurant makes wings out of people! People!!

As a final example of quote-mark tomfoolery, let’s turn to a sign I stumbled upon recently in a local grocery store that, in order to avoid such complications as “lawsuits” and “accidental death,” we’ll refer to henceforth as “Gigantic Food Stores.”

Upon walking into “Gigantic Food Stores” the other day, I was appalled to discover a fluorescent orange poster advertising a sale on “milk.” This raises a number of questions, the most obvious being, What is “milk?”

As a journalist, it would be irresponsible for me to speculate on the contents of this mystery beverage, other than to note that it probably contains some kind of steroid that will give you back hair and an inexplicable craving for other “Gigantic Food Stores” products, such as “cookies” and “cereal,” both of which contain people. Beyond that, I can’t really speak with any confidence. Except to say it’s a proven fact that people who drink “milk” are pudgy, have a tendency to exaggerate, and have nothing better to do with their time than nitpick about trivial things.

Oh, wait – that’s English majors.