TEAM LAST CALL

Did you know, for example, that in Chicago, Illinois, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera? Or that in Massachusetts there is a law that specifically prohibits you from transporting a gorilla in the back seat of your car?

Clearly, these are mistakes than anyone could make. For all you know, you might be inadvertently breaking the law as we speak! All it takes is one little violation to land your butt in jail and ruin your entire vacation. One minute you’re casually parading your goose down Main Street in McDonald, Ohio, and the next minute you’re locked away in a five-by-five-foot cell with a guy named Hogfat.

To save you from certain incarceration this summer, Team Last Call made it our personal mission to dig up the weirdest state laws in existence, some of which have been on the books for hundreds of years. By the time we were done searching, we had compiled such a large list that we had to split it into two columns. This month: Alabama through Missouri.

Keep in mind that these are actual laws that are still in effect today. We couldn’t have made these up if we tried.

If you’re planning a trip to Alabama, please be aware that there is a law on the books that specifically makes it illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

In Alaska, it’s a crime to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. So you can cross that one right off your list.

We’re very sorry to report that it is against the law to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

It is a crime to mispronounce “Arkansas” while in Arkansas.

In California, a woman can be prosecuted for driving a car while wearing a housecoat. Also – and I can’t stress this one enough – it is completely illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. If you find yourself in a situation where driving sheep down Hollywood Boulevard becomes inevitable, please try to take them in smaller batches.

It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor if you live in Denver, Colorado.

In Connecticut, there is a law preventing you from walking across the street on your hands, and you can forget about walking backwards after sunset. Also, if you go to Hartford, the law clearly states that you may not educate dogs.

In Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, whispering in church has been outlawed.

In Sarasota, Florida, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit. Also – and this is one of our favorites – somebody in Florida found it necessary to specifically make a law prohibiting sexual relations with a porcupine. Seriously.

If you live in Acworth, Georgia, you are required by law to own a rake. And in Jonesboro, it is actually illegal to say, “Oh, boy.”

In Hawaii, you could be thrown in jail for placing coins in your ears.

Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime in Idaho. Also, in Boise there is a law preventing residents from fishing while perched on a giraffe’s back. For real.

As it turns out, Illinois is a treasure trove of craziness. For example, in Urbana there is actually a law on the books making it illegal for monsters to enter the city. There’s also a law specifically preventing anyone in the state from giving a lighted cigar to a dog or cat. In Eureka, it’s illegal for a man with a moustache to kiss a woman. In Chicago, the law forbids a person to eat in a restaurant that is currently on fire. In Evanston, bowling is strictly forbidden. It’s also illegal to fish in pajamas, in case you were wondering. And here’s the best one: In Champaign, Illinois, it was evidently necessary to make a law decreeing that an individual may not, in fact, pee in his neighbor’s mouth.

In Indiana, bathing is prohibited during the winter. And just so you know, if you’re in South Bend, Indiana, it is completely illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. Please try to control yourself.

In Iowa, kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

It is illegal to put ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas.

When you’re in Kentucky, it is forbidden to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. And in the town of Frankfort, it is against the law to shoot off a policeman’s tie.

In New Orleans, Louisiana, you may not – I repeat, may not – tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

The state of Maine kindly asks you to refrain from stepping out of an airplane while it’s in flight. If you do, they’ll arrest you. Or at least, they’ll arrest what’s left of you. Also, keep in mind that in Waterville, it is illegal to blow one’s nose in public.

You’ll be thrown in the slammer if cops catch you swearing while inside the city limits of Baltimore, Maryland. It’s also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

The state of Massachusetts has a law making it illegal to eat more than three sandwiches at a wake. Also worth noting is that, when you’re in the city of Marlboro, detonating a nuclear device is frowned upon. But on a more positive note, in the town of Newton, Massachusetts, the law states that every family is entitled to one free hog, courtesy of the town’s mayor. Bonus!

Walk softly in Michigan, where it is legal for the blind to hunt.

If you are in Minnesota, please keep in mind that the law expressly forbids you to cross the Minnesota-Wisconsin border with a duck on your head. Also, it’s illegal to eat a hamburger on Sundays in St. Cloud.

In Bourbon, Mississippi, we’re sorry to say, you may not hold a turtle race at the airport. But in the town of Truro, it is still perfectly legal to kill your servants.

And finally, in Kansas City, Missouri, it’s OK for children to buy shotguns, but toy cap guns? Illegal!

Well, that’s all of the bizarre laws we could fit into this month’s column. Coming up in September: Montana through Wyoming! Until then, do not – we repeat, do not – participate in a boxing match with a kangaroo in Myrtle Creek, Oregon. Trust us.