TEAM LAST CALL

Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts!

A few months ago, this joke would have been funny. Well, not this joke, but a funny joke that had to do with snoring.

But now, as far as Team Last Call is concerned, there is simply nothing funny about snoring – because snoring is deadly!

Deadly!

According to the website Health Medicine Medical, which is practically one of the top 10,000 most popular medical sites on the internet, snoring is one of the leading causes of premature death.

Death!

I mean, we didn't actually read this in an article, but we did see the words "snoring" and "death" right near each other on Health Medicine Medical's site. Right after we Googled the words "snoring" and "death."

As far as we're concerned, there is no better resource than Health Medicine Medical when it comes to reporting on modern medical medicine health. It's just another example of how we here at Team Last Call will go to any length to provide you with the best in honest truthy truthfulness facts.

Snoring is an issue that affects us all. Millions of Americans lose hours of valuable sleep each night due to their partners' snoring. And the snorers, of course, die prematurely. But here's the really bad news: The snoring epidemic is about to get worse.

Worse!

Because here's the deal, America: Snoring is caused by terrorists. This is a fact, and the reason we know it's s fact is because we Googled the words "snore" and "terrorist," and found literally tens of sites supporting our theory.

Here are just a few of the shocking revelations our search provided:

From www.kuro5shin.org: "Unfortunately, they failed to agree on what constituted the terrorism ... snore …"

From www.channel4.com: "Never in history has a terrorist act been so fully and dramatically recorded ... Witnesses recall that all around them, people began to snore loudly"

From www.cleveland.com: "Pope urges dialogue in war on terrorism ... quieting the roar of the snore"

From www.belgraviadispatch.com: "Islam is to blame for terrorism ... snore"

And from Msnbc.com: "Snoring is commonly caused by … … … terrorists"

We rest our case.

Clearly, we've uncovered a terrorist plot to bring down America through devastating snore tactics. And according to reports from a very reputable source*, Americans can expect to see more terrorist attacks than ever in 2007 thank to the fact that the democrats have majority rule. This, of course, will lead to increased snoring across the nation, which in turn will create a sharp spike in premature death!

You may be asking yourself, "How did Team Last Call manage to get the scoop on snore terrorism so much earlier than other trusted sources for made-up stories, such as Fox News?" The same way we get all of our story ideas: the deadly combination of high-speed internet and way too much time on our hands.

That's also how we found out about sleep apnea terrorism. Sleep apnea is what happens when one's breathing is interrupted during sleep. It can actually cause enough oxygen loss to kill off brain cells! In fact, scientific studies found that snorers perform worse than non-snorers in tests of intelligence, speed of reaction and visual coordination. It almost makes you wish someone would buy the president a box of Breathe Right strips.

Now that you're, like, totally freaked out about snore terrorism, you're probably wondering what you can do to combat it, thereby avoiding a long and painful death.

The unfortunate fact is that there is no surefire way to stop snoring. There are tried-and-true methods like throat sprays, nasal inhalers, nasal strips and getting kicked in the shin by your wife, all of which treat the symptoms, but not the disease. ABC.net actually claims that playing the didgeridoo (an Australian wind instrument) improves snoring. It has something to do with decreasing the collapsibility of the upper airways, which sounds like a bunch of made up crap to us. You also have to consider – and this might be something the folks over at ABC didn't think of before posting their article – that this cure involves locating, purchasing and actually playing a didgeridoo, which no one's going to do. Or rather, no one's going to didgeri-do. Ha ha ha ha. Sorry.

But together, we can make a difference. It is each American's patriotic duty to be vigilant. We must consolidate our efforts in order to rid our nation of snorers once and for all.

But remember, snoring is infectious, like a zombie bite. Once the virus sets in, there is really no way of reversing the effects. Most snorers are already sympathetic to the terrorists' cause and are likely to resist you if you try to perform a citizen's arrest. That being the case, in the situation that you come into contact with a snorer, immediately call the Snore Terrorism Emergency Alert Horror Democrat Death Axis Of Evil Hotline at 888-555-SNOREJIHAD.

Please, join us in our fight to spread nasal-passage freedom throughout the world. It's how God would want it.

Good night, and good luck.


*www.republicans.org