God's created a lot of cool stuff over the past few millennia – woolly mammoths, rock and roll, boobies – but His greatest creation to-date has got to be Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream.
We here at Team Last Call are totally and completely obsessed with this soda. We buy it by the case and throw it back like Paris Hilton at an open bar – the main difference being that we always remember to wear our panties.
In addition to having a long name that helps us reach our word count much faster, Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream is delicious. The experience of drinking Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream is like riding a unicorn over a rainbow and around the moon and landing in a magical utopia where no one fights or steals and the roads are paved with beef jerky and gumdrops rain from the sky and Howie Mandel has been permanently banned from television. It washes away the stress of your day and takes you to a different state, like Delaware. It also apparently gives you brain cancer, but we'll get to that later.
There are plenty of people who share my obsession over Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream. Since its release in April 2006, demand for the soda has far outweighed the supply. Stores haven't been able to keep it on shelves, making it harder to find than a fact in a Fox News report.
It's gotten to the point that fans have actually resorted to bidding against each other in online auctions (at one point, Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream was the second-most popular search on eBay), which is both sad and funny at the same time. Like Nickelback's music.
But once you taste it, you will understand how it's possible for people to become so infatuated with Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream that they are willing to do almost anything to get it, including selling their right testicle to a guy in the back of a van parked at the McDonald's on King Street. For example.
However, we are a nation divided – not by race, religion or political party, but by those who recognize Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream for the bottle of joy and redemption that it is, and those who are dumb.
In fact – and this is actually true – there are people who dislike Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream so much that they started an online petition to have it pulled from store shelves (www.petitiononline.com/drpepban/petition.html), which is stupider than driving a Hummer with a "Save the Earth" bumper sticker.
In the document, the soda is referred to as a "vile" and "repugnant liquid" that "tastes like a carbonated cough syrup and probably should not be ingested by individuals with an active set of taste receptors on their tongue!" On the cleverness scale, this rates somewhere between a ham sandwich and a mesh baseball cap that reads "Kill 'em all. Let God sort 'em out." But it's still smarter than Larry the Cable Guy.
At press time the petition only had 12 signatures – again, both funny and sad. But still, the very existence of the petition is troubling. Like, who gets angry at soda?
Taking the time to coordinate an anti-soda offensive is as pointless as walking into the middle of a field and trying to swat all off the oxygen molecules out of the air. Or sending 20,000 more troops to Iraq. I mean, isn't there something more constructive you could do with your time and resources? Like – oh, I don't know – fixing up New Orleans?
If there is one justified complaint about Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream, it's that it contains a high amount of aspartame, which is only a problem if you've got some kind of hang up about brain cancer, lymphoma, seizures and genotoxic effects. I'm pretty sure that genotoxic isn't even a real word.
If you want to get all technical about it, there are a few other slightly negative reactions linked to the ingestion of aspartame, including abdominal pain, arthritis, asthma, burning urination, chest pains, chronic cough, confusion, depression, diarrhea, dizziness, fatigue, hair loss, headaches, hearing loss, heart palpitations, hives, impotency, insomnia, joint pains, laryngitis, memory loss, menstrual problems, muscle spasms, nausea, numbness of extremities, panic attacks, rashes, slurring of speech, tremors, tinnitus, vertigo, vision loss and weight gain. Plus death. But, like, it tastes really good.
The way we figure it, if you try hard enough, you can link just about anything to aspartame. Like, if there is a large vat of aspartame on the floor, and you trip and hit your head on a cabinet and land face-first in the vat, there is a clear danger that aspartame could lead to suffocation. So watch out.
But isn't everything we do a calculated risk? For example, according to a severely outdated article we just found on a questionable website, one man out of every 500,000 dies during sex. Will that statistic scare men away from having sex? Of course not. A charging rhinoceros could barely scare a man away from having sex. And if you're going to die anyway, isn't having sex just about the best way to go? Well, that's how we feel about Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream.
We're not saying that we'd pick Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream over having sex with … say … you. We're just saying that while we're having sex, we'll also be drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream soda. And if that's not a turn-on, we don't know what is.
Mastodon’s Blood Mountain is – I promise – the nastiest, wickedest, most scorching, jaw-dropping, psychedelic, bludgeoning, relentless, ridiculous piece of ear candy you will hear all year.
The Atlanta-based foursome has been called everything from “the future of metal” to “the new Metallica,” and for good reason. They are hardcore, indie rock, prog and metal all rolled up into one fierce, melodic, bone-crushing beast that will have you grinning from ear to ear despite the fact that you now have to sleep with the lights on.
The lyrics of Blood Mountain are a fantastical mind-warp that detail an epic adventure involving an elusive crystal skull, a one-eyed sasquatch, a tribe of little tree-people that unite to form a giant and a hallucinogenic root – perhaps the same root the band members were chewing when they wrote the story.
Mastodon is a band that lives up to its name in both its sound and its stature in the metal scene (and beyond). Team Last Call caught up with drummer and lyricist Brann Dailor – the man Dave Grohl has dubbed the best drummer in the world – to learn the subtle distinction between being a fan of giants and sasquatches (cool) and a fan of dragons and wizards (decidedly uncool).
Team Last Call: So, there’s this weird phenomenon that’s happening with Mastodon, where people who don’t normally listen to metal are completely obsessed with your album. Why do you think that is?
Brann Dailor: There’s so many different people that have come out of the woodwork, so to speak, and told us that they’re getting into it. They don’t listen to much else but indie rock, and we’re the one guilty-pleasure metal band that they’re able to get into. I think it’s maybe because we as people and as a band, we listen to tons of different kinds of music. The music we play is obviously rooted in metal and it’s got the heaviness and the intensity that metal can bring, but there’s a lot of other stuff involved.
TLC: Just about every music mag on planet earth is slobbering over [Blood Mountain] now. What’s that’s like?
BD: It’s a lot better than people hating it, because there’s always that possibility. [laughs] When you put out a record, it’s a pretty vulnerable place to be. You’re asking for people to judge you. I try not to read too many reviews, but I’ve seen a few, and luckily they’ve all been really good. That’s a good feeling. It’s like putting a child into the world. I think at the moment we’re starting to get a lot more regular fans, instead of just being the “musicians’ band” that we were for years.
TLC: A lot of your breakthrough has to do with the fact that you switched to a major label. Were you apprehensive about taking that step?
BD: No. I wasn’t worried at all. I mean, I knew that we were making the right decision. If we had the opportunity to move up, then we should do it and not let it pass us by just based on – what? – “Oh, we gotta keep true to the indie scene or the underground.” I mean, Jesus! I’m 32 years old. I don’t have time for that train of thought anymore. And we didn’t change anything [musically]. It’s the natural progression of our band.
TLC: I’ve read articles where people are straight-up calling Mastodon “the future of metal” and “the new Metallica.” How do you even function with that kind of pressure?
BD: I just ignore it. It doesn’t do anything to me. It’s nice that it’s being said, but it’s something that journalists do to get people interested in the band that they’re digging. You have to say something extreme to get people’s attention. You have to say Metallica. You can’t say any other band, like, “Oh, these guys are the next W.A.S.P.!” But I don’t pay attention to stuff like that. I just go about my business as the insecure human being that I am and try to play the best drums I can and try to make sure each performance is up to Mastodon’s standards.
TLC: Where do you think the attraction to the whole mythical, mystical side of things comes from? Sasquatches, giants, birchmen …
BD: I thought everybody was into that! [laughs] I mean, how much money did “Lord of the Rings” make?
I think that’s a way for us to remain like little kids. I saw that episode of “In Search Of …” with Leonard Nimoy when they talk about the bigfoot, and after that, everything I wanted to do and see had to have something to do with bigfoot. I was really into dinosaurs when I was a little kid, just like every little boy. And it makes for bad-ass metal T-shirts. We just prefer to do that instead of being so literal about everything and telling people, “I’m sad because this happened to me today …” like some 13-year-old girl. We’re adults.
TLC: I guess once you’re 32 you can’t just be mad at your dad all the time.
BD: No, you really can’t. I like my dad. He’s awesome. [laughs] We just like that element of fantasy. We think the idea of searching for a crystal skull is cool. You gotta ride that fence. Is this cool? Are we becoming a parody?
TLC: Where do you draw that line? And what crosses the line?
BD: Dragons.
TLC: Dragons?
BD: Yep. No dragons.
TLC: Why dragons?
BD: No dragons, man. You just can’t do it. Can’t go there.
TLC: You’ve talked a lot about getting song material from dreams. Are these substance-induced dreams, or are your dreams really that weird?
BD: I don’t know. It’s not all from dreams. Some of it, I’m wide-awake and just thinking about stuff and brainstorming. I just sit around and think about bizarre shit all day long and try to go into the abstract.
TLC: People write about it like you guys lock yourselves in a room with a suitcase full of acid and come out with an album concept.
BD: That’s not true. I used to do a shitload of acid, and maybe when I was 15 and I took all that acid it opened up a door for me, and now I know where that door is. I don’t need the acid anymore to get there.
TLC: Makes sense. So, I had a coworker who said that your album sounded like you were playing too much “Dungeons & Dragons.” If somebody says that to your face, do they get a high-five or a punch in the face?
BD: Them’s fightin’ words. We’re not “Dungeons & Dragons” nerds.
TLC: What’s the difference?
BD: Well, first, you gotta play “Dungeons & Dragons,” and I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that. And second of all, the word “dragon” is in there, so those are fighting words right there.
I don’t know, man. Our stuff, I don’t picture it like that. It’s more of another dimension. I see it more in the future, in outer space, just astral travel and stuff like that. It’s mystical, but it’s not like a wizard’s involved! It’s like life struggles. It’s just some guy lost in the woods, really, and he just starts eating various roots and starts tripping. He’s starving and he’s trying to get to the top of this mountain, and he thinks he has to find this crystal skull. For me in my head, it’s not “Dungeons & Dragons.”
TLC: So, where do you go from here, when you’re already being called the “future of metal?”
BD: I don’t know where you go. You just tour and tour and see what you can do, see how many people want to come out and see you play your music, and when the album cycle is over, you do it all over again.
TLC: So, you’re not going around thinking, “I am in the greatest metal band on earth!”
BD: No, never. It’s quite the opposite, actually. You gotta watch yourself. You gotta police yourself. You gotta make sure that the motivation for why you’re doing it stays intact. You’re not playing music for other people’s approval, or at least you’re not supposed to be. You’re not playing music for money. Money ruins art. You gotta watch out for it – even though 90 percent of the music out there is money-motivated, and everyone fucking loves it.
We’re just going to continue to do what we’re doing. Maybe it will go out of style in two years, but we’d be doing this regardless of what anybody was saying. This is all we know how to do, and this is all we want to do, and we’ve found something special in Mastodon with each other as friends and musicians. So that’s the deal.
*Reprinted from Fly Magazine
