Our plan, to the best of your knowledge, was to visit lots of European libraries, cathedrals and museums in order to expand our cultural horizons, further enabling us to report on global issues with the kind of fair and balanced approach you have grown to expect from Team Last Call.
But you know what's really boring? Libraries, cathedrals and museums. So instead, we went to a pub.
While we didn't technically "see any historical sites" or "eat any exotic foods" or "stop drinking beer for more than half an hour," we did sometimes watch foreign news reports on TV. Because the bartender wouldn't change the channel.
But you know what's a real downer? Foreign news reports.
"War in
"Global warming," blah, blah, blah.
"Genocide in
Hey, foreign press. Are you doing anything later? Because we're having a party, and it would be awesome if you could stop by and make everyone want to kill themselves.
It wasn't until we got back to our hotel and turned on an American news station that we were able to find a news story of any relevance – a story of real global impact, a story that illustrated both the starkness of the human condition and the promise of the great American dream: Paris Hilton's arrest.
The story was on virtually every American news channel we could find – CNN, MSNBC, C-SPAN. Meanwhile, what were the European news stations reporting on? The G8 conference. Way to go.
This, of course, speaks pretty directly about the integrity of the foreign press. We can't say for sure whether it was censorship or just plain sloppy journalism, but they didn't even pretend to know about
It's no wonder that foreigners are always fighting and yelling and setting things on fire. You'd start a riot too if all you saw on the news were stories about murder and violence and other non-celebrity-related topics. Take a lesson from
"Oh, we're so sad because our widdle biddy pwanet is getting weawy, weawy hot!" It's like, wake up, people! Britney shaved her head!
"A little less tears, a little more Spears," that's what we always say.
We're not trying to make Europeans look bad. Their teeth do that. (Nice one!) We're just saying that they're really out of touch with reality – not to mention reality TV. Did you know that some countries over there don't even have their own version of "The Biggest Loser"? We don't mean to insinuate that Europeans are lazy, but, like, how hard is it to get fat? We already gave them McDonald's. All they have to do is eat there!
And McDonald's is just one example of the many, many fantastic exports we've given to
Like, seriously?
It's like, no matter how morbid and boring and newsy their news reports are, Europeans just can't seem to get it through their heads that we are all in constant danger, every day, all the time, of being murdered by terrorists. All of us. At any moment. Murdered. By terrorists.
American new reports don't get all mopey with footage of dead soldiers being shipped back from
What Europeans don't seem to realize is that terrorists are lurking around every corner, down every alley, behind every ethnic food counter. They're everywhere, and they hate freedom! They even hate Paris Hilton!
But the Europeans are too busy floating along in a dreamland of puff pastries and hand-rolled cigarettes to realize how close they are to dying. They spend their days lounging around with their tiny cups of coffee and skinny mustaches and tight pants and low stress levels, laughing in their stupid accents about how the war on terror is "wasting money" and "human lives" and "making the situation worse."
Listen, Europeans: We're not trying to imply that you're stupid. All we're saying is, you have what? At least four or five countries over there? And not a single one of you has been able to produce a Hummer? Way to go.
OK, point proven. There's no need to add insult to injury. We've already established that Europeans are lagging behind
