It's March, which means that everyone is talking about St. Patrick's Day.
Arrogant, smug St. Patrick's Day. "Oh, look at me! I'm St. Patrick's Day! I'm the most important day of the month! I'm the best holiday on the planet! Everyone look at me!"
Well, we've got news for you, St. Patrick's Day. Team Last Call is sick of you strutting around with that pompous attitude, like you totally own the month of March. Not only are you not the only holiday in March – you're not even the only holiday on March 17!
After conducting hours of painstaking research on the Truthnet, Team Last Call discovered that March actually has 31 separate holidays – one for each day. So, St. Patrick's Day, it is with no small amount of pleasure that we present Team Last Call's Guide to Holidays in March That Aren't St. Patrick's Day.
March 1: National Pig Day. This holiday has been an annual tradition since 1972, when Texas art teacher Ellen Stanley organized the first official National Pig Day to honor and give thanks for domesticated pigs and – in a remarkable display of foresight – Hummer owners.
March 2: National Salesperson Day. This holiday, which occurs each year on the first Friday in March, is a day when we pay our respects to the door-to-door salespeople and telemarketers of the world by calling them at home during dinner and blasting an airhorn into the receiver.
March 3: National Anthem Day. This holiday pays tribute to the song that pays tribute to the flag that U.S. news agencies aren't allowed to show draped over caskets. Freedom of Information Day isn't until March 16.
March 4: Hug a GI Day. Not recommended for individuals of Middle Eastern descent who live in Afghanistan, have long beards and are named Osama Bin Laden.
March 5: Multiple Personality Day. We love this holiday. We also hate this holiday.
March 6: National Frozen Food Day. This holiday commemorates the fateful day when a Disneyland chef came to work drunk and accidentally cooked up a platter of Walt-loaf.
March 7: National Crown Roast of Pork Day. This is the day when we wear roasted pork on our heads.
March 8: Be Nasty Day. This is a much-loved holiday during which bored office workers all across America forward each other pictures of Britney Spears getting out of that limo. You know the one I'm talking about.
March 9: Panic Day. This holiday was invented by republican incumbents who have been photographed shaking hands with President Bush.
March 10: Middle Name Pride Day. This holiday has been celebrated yearly since its inception in 1863 by William Hemorrhoid Smith, Jr.
March 11: Worship of Tools Day. This holiday was established to pay tribute to the fine men and women of Fox News.
March 12: Plant a Flower Day. Also known as The Second Gayest Holiday Ever.
March 13: Jewel Day. The day when we celebrate irritating, melodramatic singer-songwriters around the world. Just kidding. It's actually a day when we give thanks for jewels by buying … more jewels. Sponsored by the Jewelers Association of America.
March 14: Learn about Butterflies Day. The Gayest Holiday Ever.
March 15: Dumbstruck Day. Or as George W. Bush likes to call it, "Day."
March 16: Freedom of Information Day. Restrictions include images of flags draped over caskets.
March 17: Submarine Day. We're not sure if this holiday refers to the type of sandwich or the underwater boat. All we care about is that we're really sticking it to St. Patrick's Day.
March 18: Supreme Sacrifice Day. This day recognizes Americans who have made the ultimate sacrifice for the good of others. Restrictions include dead American soldiers, who apparently don't exist.
March 19: Poultry Day. Love a chicken today. Not recommended for residents of Arkansas or West Virginia.
March 20: Extraterrestrial Abductions Day. We're not sure if this is a day to remember your alien abduction or a day to be abducted. Either way, an anal probe is involved.
March 21: Fragrance Day. This is day that you, um, smell stuff.
March 22: National Goof-off Day. The first national holiday to receive unanimous approval in the senate.
March 23: Near Miss Day. Near Miss Day commemorates the day in 1989 when a huge asteroid barely missed hitting the earth. Then scientists discovered it was just Britney Spears' enormous ass – from the future!
March 24: National Chocolate-covered Raisin Day. Eat chocolate-covered raisins.
March 25: Waffle Day. Eat waffles.
March 26: Make Up Your Own Holiday Day. National Go To Work Without Pants Day?
March 27: National "Joe" Day. This holiday gives people who don't like their first names a chance to go by another name for a day. Frankly, my son Lipshitz Royer and I don't see why that would be necessary.
March 28: Something on a Stick Day. This is a day to celebrate sticks and all of the various things they are stuck into, including Popsicles, corndogs and Bill O'Reilly's ass.
March 29: Smoke and Mirrors Day. This holiday was established by the current administration to celebrate our victory in the war on terror.
March 30: I am in Control Day. This holiday was established by Rupert Murdoch to celebrate Rupert Murdoch and the suppression of images of flags draped on caskets by Rupert Murdoch.
March 31: Bunsen Burner Day. This holiday celebrates, uh, Bunsen burners.
We feel that we've done a good thing today. After the way we stuck it to St. Patrick's Day, maybe next time it will think twice about being so supercilious, which is a word we just looked up in our thesaurus. Now if you'll excuse us, we've got to get the kids to soccer practice. Come along, Lipshitz!
Arrogant, smug St. Patrick's Day. "Oh, look at me! I'm St. Patrick's Day! I'm the most important day of the month! I'm the best holiday on the planet! Everyone look at me!"
Well, we've got news for you, St. Patrick's Day. Team Last Call is sick of you strutting around with that pompous attitude, like you totally own the month of March. Not only are you not the only holiday in March – you're not even the only holiday on March 17!
After conducting hours of painstaking research on the Truthnet, Team Last Call discovered that March actually has 31 separate holidays – one for each day. So, St. Patrick's Day, it is with no small amount of pleasure that we present Team Last Call's Guide to Holidays in March That Aren't St. Patrick's Day.
March 1: National Pig Day. This holiday has been an annual tradition since 1972, when Texas art teacher Ellen Stanley organized the first official National Pig Day to honor and give thanks for domesticated pigs and – in a remarkable display of foresight – Hummer owners.
March 2: National Salesperson Day. This holiday, which occurs each year on the first Friday in March, is a day when we pay our respects to the door-to-door salespeople and telemarketers of the world by calling them at home during dinner and blasting an airhorn into the receiver.
March 3: National Anthem Day. This holiday pays tribute to the song that pays tribute to the flag that U.S. news agencies aren't allowed to show draped over caskets. Freedom of Information Day isn't until March 16.
March 4: Hug a GI Day. Not recommended for individuals of Middle Eastern descent who live in Afghanistan, have long beards and are named Osama Bin Laden.
March 5: Multiple Personality Day. We love this holiday. We also hate this holiday.
March 6: National Frozen Food Day. This holiday commemorates the fateful day when a Disneyland chef came to work drunk and accidentally cooked up a platter of Walt-loaf.
March 7: National Crown Roast of Pork Day. This is the day when we wear roasted pork on our heads.
March 8: Be Nasty Day. This is a much-loved holiday during which bored office workers all across America forward each other pictures of Britney Spears getting out of that limo. You know the one I'm talking about.
March 9: Panic Day. This holiday was invented by republican incumbents who have been photographed shaking hands with President Bush.
March 10: Middle Name Pride Day. This holiday has been celebrated yearly since its inception in 1863 by William Hemorrhoid Smith, Jr.
March 11: Worship of Tools Day. This holiday was established to pay tribute to the fine men and women of Fox News.
March 12: Plant a Flower Day. Also known as The Second Gayest Holiday Ever.
March 13: Jewel Day. The day when we celebrate irritating, melodramatic singer-songwriters around the world. Just kidding. It's actually a day when we give thanks for jewels by buying … more jewels. Sponsored by the Jewelers Association of America.
March 14: Learn about Butterflies Day. The Gayest Holiday Ever.
March 15: Dumbstruck Day. Or as George W. Bush likes to call it, "Day."
March 16: Freedom of Information Day. Restrictions include images of flags draped over caskets.
March 17: Submarine Day. We're not sure if this holiday refers to the type of sandwich or the underwater boat. All we care about is that we're really sticking it to St. Patrick's Day.
March 18: Supreme Sacrifice Day. This day recognizes Americans who have made the ultimate sacrifice for the good of others. Restrictions include dead American soldiers, who apparently don't exist.
March 19: Poultry Day. Love a chicken today. Not recommended for residents of Arkansas or West Virginia.
March 20: Extraterrestrial Abductions Day. We're not sure if this is a day to remember your alien abduction or a day to be abducted. Either way, an anal probe is involved.
March 21: Fragrance Day. This is day that you, um, smell stuff.
March 22: National Goof-off Day. The first national holiday to receive unanimous approval in the senate.
March 23: Near Miss Day. Near Miss Day commemorates the day in 1989 when a huge asteroid barely missed hitting the earth. Then scientists discovered it was just Britney Spears' enormous ass – from the future!
March 24: National Chocolate-covered Raisin Day. Eat chocolate-covered raisins.
March 25: Waffle Day. Eat waffles.
March 26: Make Up Your Own Holiday Day. National Go To Work Without Pants Day?
March 27: National "Joe" Day. This holiday gives people who don't like their first names a chance to go by another name for a day. Frankly, my son Lipshitz Royer and I don't see why that would be necessary.
March 28: Something on a Stick Day. This is a day to celebrate sticks and all of the various things they are stuck into, including Popsicles, corndogs and Bill O'Reilly's ass.
March 29: Smoke and Mirrors Day. This holiday was established by the current administration to celebrate our victory in the war on terror.
March 30: I am in Control Day. This holiday was established by Rupert Murdoch to celebrate Rupert Murdoch and the suppression of images of flags draped on caskets by Rupert Murdoch.
March 31: Bunsen Burner Day. This holiday celebrates, uh, Bunsen burners.
We feel that we've done a good thing today. After the way we stuck it to St. Patrick's Day, maybe next time it will think twice about being so supercilious, which is a word we just looked up in our thesaurus. Now if you'll excuse us, we've got to get the kids to soccer practice. Come along, Lipshitz!
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