Posted by Jeff on 12/01/2008 12:42:00 AM

Overall, 2008 has been a pretty fantastic year for Team Last Call, with the exception of not dating Scarlett Johannson. First, we pretty much single-handedly destroyed the Hummer empire, or at least the H1, which was discontinued earlier this year, leaving thousands of men across the country scrambling for new ways to advertise their itty bitty tender parts.

Next, we secured a World Series victory for the Phillies, primarily by drinking lots of beer and sending good vibes through our TV screen. And then within the same week we delivered the state of Pennsylvania to Barack Obama, which in turn got him elected as the next President of the United States of America. He called us that night from Chicago to ask if he could mention us during his acceptance speech, and also to offer a position in his cabinet, probably as Secretary of Awesome, but we declined on account of our humility and the fact that he didn't really call.

Team Last Call: 3.

General Motors, Tampa Bay Rays and Sarah Palin: 0.

However, while we've been on an enormous and unparalleled winning streak, we're not about to start resting on our laurels, mostly because we don't know what a laurel is. Instead, we're going to focus on our next mission, one that might prove to be our most challenging to date: helping the Philadelphia Eagles become the next Super Bowl champions.

We realize it might not be "realistic" or even "mathematically possible," but still, by adhering to the three point plan detailed below, we are confident we'll be bringing that trophy home, maybe.

Step one on the road to a Super Bowl victory is to purge Central Pennsylvania of Steelers fans. These people have worked their way into the mid-state like a toenail fungus. They're all over the place, with their bad attitudes and their stupid towels. They're just so … mavericky. They should change the name to the Pittsburgh 'Publicans.

Converting these people to Eagles fans is more than a mission, it's a moral imperative. We need all available resources to win this Super Bowl, and too much time and energy is being wasted on rooting for a team that wears gold tights.

Converting Steelers fans will not be an easy task. Don't be surprised if they get angry with you, or try to lash out at you in some underhanded, cheating kind of way. The Eagles did, after all, completely and utterly trounce their team in September, and they're probably still pretty embarrassed about just how terrible and idiotic and awful we made them look. So definitely don't bring up that game. The one where we totally crushed them.

A good place to start is by trying to understand where Steelers fans are coming from. Once you understand that, that's where the healing begins.

Think about it: If you lived in Central PA, and the closest major city (Philadelphia) hadn't won any kind of sports championship since 1983, wouldn't you be upset? Wouldn't you turn your back on your community, your friends and neighbors and loved ones, and desperately latch on to whatever team out there is winning championships, any team, anywhere, no matter how far away it was located?

Of course not, but Steelers fans would, and did. Now, some of these fans will say things like, "I've been a fan of the Steelers since I was a kid!" or "My whole family is made of Steelers fans!" or "I grew up in Pittsburgh!" These people are lying. Steelers fans are liars. And once you understand that fact, that's where the healing begins.

It's easy to get angry with a Steelers fan, or to think of him as something less than a fully developed human, like the singer of Nickelback. But that's the wrong attitude to take. The truth is, ultimately, you can't blame a Steelers fan for being a Steelers fan any more than you can blame, say, a tapeworm for being a tapeworm. Granted, a tapeworm doesn't technically have a "brain" or the "ability to formulate a thought," so there's another similarity. But still, compassion is what we need. Because everyone makes mistakes. And once you understand that, that's where the healing begins.

Once these people are brought back "home," once they've seen the error of their ways and have thrown out their truly terrible towels, we Central Pennsylvanians can once again unite under the great banner of the Philadelphia Eagles, like the bible says. So, that's step one.

Step two on the road to victory is to boost the Philadelphia Eagles' morale. Because the fact is, in the team's 75-plus-year history as a franchise, they have never, ever, under any circumstances, not once ever, won a Super Bowl.

So as you can imagine, the players' self-esteem isn't exactly soaring. This is exacerbated by the seemingly endless number of malicious jokes circulating about the team and its complete inability to not screw up – jokes that should never, under any circumstances, be repeated, including the following:

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Philadelphia Eagles.

Q: How do you keep a Philadelphia Eagle out of your yard?

A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Why doesn't Camden have a professional football team?

A: Because then Philadelphia would want one.

So stop telling these jokes. Remember, a confident team is a winning team. Although Sarah Palin was pretty confident, too.

Step three is to just plain steal the trophy. I mean just straight-up sneaking into the winning team's clubhouse when no one's looking and grabbing the trophy right off its little pedestal. Because really, that's the only way we're going to bring that thing home this year. Or any year, really. And if we get caught, we can just frame some Steelers fans.

They should probably be in jail anyway.

Posted by Jeff on 11/01/2008 12:41:00 AM

First of all, I didn't stay up TO watch Sex and the City, I stayed up AND watched Sex and the City. Two totally different things.

But the fact is that I watched it, and that was wrong. In my defense, I was up late working, and a rerun just happened to come on one of the three channels I get, because I'm the one guy in North America still using rabbit ears. "Going down with the ship" is a noble way to put it. Plus, the remote control was totally at the other end of the couch.

At first, I just let the show play in the background, glancing up from my laptop every now and then whenever someone said a word like "orgasm" or "boobs," which happened approximately 200 times a minute.

Sample dialogue:

Woman 1: "Your boobs look great. Did you orgasm last night? Men are dumb."

Woman 2: "My orgasm was great. Men are dumb. Boobs."

But then, subconsciously at first, I started getting caught up in the storyline – something about Sarah Jessica Parker hooking up with an old boyfriend, and then Kim Cattrall hooking up with an old boyfriend, and then someone else hooking up with an old boyfriend, and then the girls getting together to drink cosmos and say "orgasm" and "boobs" some more.

I could actually feel myself getting dumber as I watched, but was able to justify it as the price you sometimes have to pay for escapism, ranking it somewhere on the brain damage scale between sniffing glue and shouting "Drill, baby, drill." And it was just one episode, so I figured there was no harm done. I did worry for a moment about what kind of affect the show was having on my dog, but he was busy licking his tender parts, so I figured he was fine. Or was he doing it BECAUSE of the show? I wasn't sure.

Sex and the City is the kind of show that you can hate on principal, whether you've seen it or not; it's self-indulgent, silly and, like Sarah Palin, unapologetically aimed at the lowest common denominator of viewers – the kind that would brainlessly lap up an over-romanticized version of female empowerment in which a gaggle of 40-something ladies are morphed from sex objects into catty, high heel-wearing predators. Fierce! To make it worse, these ladies spend their time prowling a fictional world in which all men are portrayed as little more than pathetically unaware slabs of dudeness who can be lured into any bed with a can of Bud. But the joke's on them – some of us don't even need the Bud. So you just wasted, like, a couple bucks.

As I continued to watch the show, however, I realized how this portrayal of reality was actually viable, how the characters, in between their many, many orgasms, actually had some thoughtful things to say. I caught myself thinking things like, "I've seen worse," and, "Wow, this actually isn't a total disaster. Not bad." My expectations were set so low that, just by virtue of that fact that it wasn't a complete train wreck, Sex and the City seemed like a success. So there's another link to Sarah Palin.

A few nights later, by which I mean the very next night, I was doing some more late-night writing on the couch when, to my complete surprise, the clock struck 12:30 a.m. and Sex and the City came on again. Naturally, what with me being a dude and all, I wanted to turn it off as quickly as possible. The problem was, the remote was under my dog, who, when not licking his tenders, had spent his evening expelling gas at an alarming rate thanks to a doughnut left too close to the edge of the table. I decided to just call it a wash and watch the show.

Next night, same thing. There I was, sitting in front of the TV, no longer bothering to pretend I was working, watching Sex and the City and nudging the volume down notch by notch so my sleeping wife wouldn't learn my dark secret. I was hooked. It felt dirty, like I was sneaking out to my garage with a flashlight and a box full of gay porn. Only, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I wasn't gay. I just sort of kind of didn't totally hate watching this show. What did that mean? Oh, I was confused.

They say that a habit only becomes a problem when you start doing it alone. That's how I knew I was in trouble. Night after night, I sat there on my couch waiting for Sex and the City to come on with a sickening mixture of guilt and titillation, like a Republican lurking in a men's room stall.

But I wasn't totally alone. There in the dark, with my dog softly tooting in his sleep, I had Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte, laughing, crying, constantly orgasming and doggedly working their way through life's important questions, one boob at a time. Questions like: When Jack broke up with Carrie on a Post-it Note (of all things!), was it really because of her hair scrunchie?

I had to see that episode twice before I could really decide. Which means, of course, that I had indulged in my disgusting habit long enough for the reruns to become re-reruns. It was a terrible period in my life, full of self-loathing, sleep deprivation and denial. And it might still be going on today had my wife, who apparently wasn't fooled for a second, not finally confronted me about it. And by "confronted" I mean "totally made fun of me and threatened to tell our friends that I stayed up to watch Sex and the City." But I only stayed up AND watched it, I argued. She didn't buy it.

As Carrie once wrote in her column, "Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate." I'm not really sure what that means – not even the show's scriptwriters know – but it sounds neat. And sometimes neat-sounding nonsense is exactly what you want to hear. Just ask Joe Six-Pack.

But in a weird way, my mistake really did make my fate. If I hadn't made my dark descent into the world of Sex and the City, I would never have been able to write this column, which hopefully brought some joy to your life. And like I've always said, "Joy is the snowy mountain that life skis down."

Posted by Jeff on 10/01/2008 12:40:00 AM
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It's October, which means that Halloween is just around the corner, and we here at Team Last Call couldn't be more excited. Candy, costumes, an excuse for Young Republicans to wear drag in public – it's the best!

This year, we couldn't decide if we should dress up as a zombie or George W. Bush, so we decided to do both and buy a John McCain mask. It came with a complimentary trophy wife and a bottle of old-man smell. Unfortunately, it was almost 20 years past its expiration date. The trophy wife, I mean.

We know what you're thinking. "Here goes Team Last Call with yet another politically slanted column full of unfair – albeit borderline genius – jabs at the Republican Party, which I support because I am uninformed, out of touch and incontinent, and probably overweight."

Well, you're waaaaay off. This column isn't about swaying your opinion one way or the other. All we want to do today is to present the facts in a "fair and balanced" way, like Bill O'Reilly, but without the blotchy red face and compulsive lying.

We are not here to support Barack Obama, even if he can stabilize our economy, make our country safer, establish universal health care, reverse global warming, turn water into wine, raise the dead and give every American his own private mansion made of gingerbread and lollipops. Neither are we here to support John McCain – that's what his walker is for. We're just here to call it like it is.

You're not going to see us spreading any vicious rumors or lies, like the ones the Republicans have been spreading about Obama – how he is a terrorist, how he won't salute the flag, how he was sworn into the senate on the Koran instead of the Bible. I think my personal favorite is the McCain ad implying that Barack Obama is the antichrist. Totally. He totally is. Nice work. You nailed it. Oh, and he also co-authored the communist manifesto, eats kittens for breakfast and sneezes unicorns. So watch out for that.

There's also a good Republican line about how Barack Obama is going to raise your taxes. The part they don't mention is that your taxes will only be raised if you make more than $250,000 a year. If you make that much money and still can't deal with paying your taxes, you could always consider selling one of your Hummers. Or, in John McCain's case, one of your seven houses. If you can remember where you left them.

But you won't see us feeding you lies like that. Or lies like how McCain's attack dog running mate, Sarah Palin, wants to prohibit abortions even in the case of rape or incest – the kind of self-righteous stance people usually adopt until someone close to them is, you know, raped.

Other lies we won't feed you:

Palin wants to solve our oil addiction by drilling for more oil in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

Palin has supported the Alaskan Independence Party, whose primary goal is to secede from the United States.

Palin has referred to the war in Iraq as "a task from God."

Palin doesn't think humans are responsible for global warming.

Palin's state leads the country in per-capita pork barrel spending.

Palin's gubernatorial inauguration was sponsored by oil giant BP.

And the reason we won't invent those lies is because they're actually all true. And here everyone thought her biggest problem was going to be her knocked-up daughter. Bonus irony: Palin supports abstinence-only sex-education. Oops.

But not everything the Republicans have been saying is a lie. They've made some really valid points about Obama, including the fact that he's entirely too good at public speaking (always a red flag) and the fact that he's simply way too popular to ever win the popular vote.

Clearly, Obama has faults. He's made mistakes. On the other side of the fairness coin, so has McCain. Like how he accidentally ran an attack ad that included a split-second frame showing Obama with the letters "H-A-N-G" above his head. Whoops! And there was the day in August when he defined the middle class as people who make less than $5 million a year. Zoinks!

But McCain's got his strengths, too, like how he's such a zany maverick. He's not afraid to rebel against the establishment, even when he is the establishment. Sure, he's voted with Bush over 90 percent of the time, but for the other less-than-10 percent of the time, whoo! He's crazy! He's a lone ranger! A loose cannon!

He's also, if elected President, about one french fry away from making Sarah Palin the leader of the free world. If you want to fixate on terror, as is the Republicans' wont, this one's a doozey. The self-dubbed "barracuda" proved in her acceptance speech that she can throw out bloody chum by the bucket-full to Republican sharks, but it's questionable what she has to offer beyond the rhetorical nuggets written for her by Bush speechwriter Matthew Scully. Once the teleprompter disappears, will her round-faced cuteness and her state's "proximity to Russia" really guide her through sticky foreign policy snafus? For her recently deployed son's sake, let's hope so. If nothing else, I guess she could always mock our enemies to death.

The upcoming presidential election is the most important one of our time. We Americans have a very big job to do on November 4, and that job is to not screw it up. For the third time in a row.

Like we said before, we at Team Last Call aren't here to "choose sides." Far be it from us to declare who's right and who's Republican. All we want to do is to present the objective truth, which just happens to be that Barack Obama should and must be the next President of the United States.

Posted by Jeff on 10/01/2008 12:10:00 AM

As one half of Georgia-based noise terrorists Jucifer, Amber Valentine plays a lot of rolls: singer, guitarist, diminutive hell-fairy, pixie-faced crooner, wailing banshee. But contrary to popular perception, for as oppressively loud and heavy as her band gets with its pitch-black sludge rock, one thing Valentine and her husband/drummer, Edgar Livengood, are not is demonic – which, should you ever find yourself face-to-face with the duo’s wall of amps and apocalyptic incantations, you’ll be glad to know.
“Yeah, we’re totally Satanists. We drink blood,” Valentine quips during an interview from her RV, which doubles as the couple’s permanent home and tour bus.
“We do tend to get inspired by darker stuff, but we’re not out there burning churches and stuff,” she laughs. “We get up there and spew some really intense, fairly negative emotions, and when it’s over we’re free to be these fairly positive people that can have a normal conversation.”
Jucifer’s music is the kind that forces music journalists to make up entirely new adjectives, like “demonolithic.” (All rights reserved.) But for every bowel-battering nut-cruncher of a metal song, the band’s got a delicate, melodious ballad or orchestral swell that feels lonelier than a princess locked in a tower. It’s a confounding dichotomy, one that’s earned the band comparisons to everyone from Slayer to The Carpenters.
“I would just assume that most people who write music and don’t explore such extremes are actively suffocating part of their personality,” Valentine shrugs. “For me, personally, and for Edgar, it would be a very conscientious effort to keep [our music] in the same area all the time.”
Self-restraint was quite apparently not on the agenda when it came to the writing of the band’s latest release, L’autrichienne, a double album that, track by track, trudges unflinchingly through every agonizing story arch of the French Revolution, with an empathetic focus on the doomed Marie Antoinette. The album is, as King Louis XVI might have put it, a tour de force, both lyrically and musically, snaking its way from fortress-smashing metal riffs to whispy, despairing laments. Track one, “Blackpowder,” sets the stage with a furious re-telling of the Revolution’s beginnings. “Fleur De Lis,” the album’s 18th track, renders the heart as the soon-to-be-beheaded Antoinette is bid a plaintive adieu by her even-sooner-to-be-beheaded husband.
But heads don’t really start rolling until Jucifer takes the stage and plugs in the amps – all 15 of them. The band has gained notoriety for its ear-splitting blasts of white noise and relentless feedback, something that fans, understandably, either love or loathe.
“It takes a lot of balls to go up there and play that loud,” Valentine muses. “The people that come into our shows not knowing that sometimes run screaming with their hands over their ears. But that’s alright, because in the end, making art is about making the art that you want to make, and not about doing anything else, really.
“At that volume, sound almost becomes a physical thing,” she continues. “We feel like we’re almost making sculptures out of sound. And sound becomes sort of a different medium depending on the size and shape of the room and the placement of the amplifiers. It’s kind of like an endless experiment.”
Valentine and Livengood have been spreading hearing loss since first uniting in Athens, GA, in 1993. With the decision to forfeit a permanent residence in favor of their RV, the couple more or less relegated themselves to the touring life – an existence Valentine will be more than happy to live out for the rest of her days.
“At some point, are you going to be 60 years old and screaming your head off in front of a wall of amplifiers? I can’t really say no to that vision,” she laughs. “I’m even going to hope for 70 or 80. We’ll be headbanging in our wheelchairs and having bands like Jucifer touring the nursing homes. As long as we still get to bang our heads, it’s alright.”
*Reprinted from Fly Magazine

Posted by Jeff on 9/01/2008 12:38:00 AM
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As the editor in chief of a powerful and influential magazine, I feel that I am entitled to certain things in life, and those things are Cowboy Crunch burritos.

I discovered Cowboy Crunch burritos a few years ago at a certain eatery whose name, Neato Burrito, I'll omit out of deference to this magazine's advertisers. But I will say this: while the anonymous burrito chain in question doesn't contribute directly to my paycheck, it does make an insanely good burrito – life-changing, even, depending on whether or not, like Carrot Top, your life is so sad that it could be improved by a single burrito.

If you were to ask me to describe the Cowboy Crunch burrito in four words, and then to translate those words into Croatian using a free online translator, and then to change them back to English using the same online translator, the answer would be "total zest plus large," which is as good or better than my original answer.

The Cowboy Crunch burrito consists of barbecue rice, refried beans, Cajun chicken, ranch dressing, lettuce, tomatoes and – the secret weapon – crushed nacho chips, which give it an unexpected crunchiness, or as the Croatians say, "does surprise into a crisp." But once combined, those seven ingredients create something that, like Michael Moore's ass, is so much larder. Larger.

What first struck me about the Cowboy Crunch burrito were its compact design and stackability, the perfect conditions under which to ship large quantities free of charge to various editors of powerful and influential magazines. Which brings us full circle to my sense of entitlement. There is a grand old tradition in the publication industry, and that tradition is called bribery. It goes like this: you give me lots of free stuff, and I'll totally write about you. What I'm doing now is simply taking bribery one step further by writing about stuff first, with the assumption that I'll receive my "payment" after the fact. This is probably also a good time to mention that Tröegs makes really great beer and that Angelina Jolie, a fine actress, has been looking very pretty lately.

Bribery is a universal practice in journalism, embraced by everyone from columnists in your local daily paper to network TV anchors. Why else would anyone ever write an article? It's hard to do and it takes a lot of time, time that could be spent drinking – I don't know – a delicious and refreshing Tröegs Sunshine Pils. We just need the extra bit of "motivation" to put down our beers, sit down at our computers, log onto Wikipedia and copy and paste the text into a word doc. Bam – article. Anyone who says otherwise is being bribed by someone to lie about it.

I've tried reverse bribery before, to varying degrees of success. My column praising pineapple chicken wraps got me a free platter of them delivered to my door. On the other hand, my column pledging my undying devotion to Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream Soda got me nothing. As a side note, Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream isn't around anymore. I'll let you make your own assumptions about how those two facts are connected. I'm talking to you, Neato Burrito.

On a related note, I recently found a pretty hilarious document on Wikipedia called the "Ethics Code of the Society of Professional Journalists." Whatever that means. People say that English majors have no sense of humor, but check out this doozey: According to the "code," all professional journalists are to "refuse gifts, favors, fees, free travel and special treatment, and shun secondary employment, political involvement, public office and service in community organizations if they compromise journalistic integrity."

Hilarious! "Integrity."

I vaguely remember reading something about this code on the syllabus of my "journalism ethics" course in college, which I signed up for because I thought they were making a joke, like "serial killer ethics" or "republican ethics." But I had to cut class that day so that I could photocopy my older sister's term paper to submit it as my own. I'm kidding, of course. I was photocopying my own term paper to sell to underclassmen.

It's that kind of ingenuity that makes for a successful journalist, and that gets people elected President of the United States. Sure, it might make you a "bad person" with "complete moral bankruptcy" who is probably going to get a lot of e-mail from youvebeenleftbehind.com. But it also gets you burritos. Hopefully. And that's what really matters.

It's your move, Neato Burrito. I'm calling you out like a sheriff in a Western. Either fork 'em over, or face the very, very small possibility that I won't ever write about your delicious, miraculous Cowboy Crunch burrito ever again. It's your call.

Or as the Croatians say, "the case is call of you."

Posted by Jeff on 8/08/2008 12:12:00 AM

It’s a mid-summer’s day in Paris. The windows are flung wide open. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. And Adam Duritz is complaining.
Whining, of course, is nothing new for the Counting Crows frontman, who has worn uncertainty and despair like a sheriff’s badge for the better part of two decades, even while living the supposed good life in the beds of various Friends stars.
Today, however, he’s got some honest-to-god reasons for being unhappy. Beyond being locked in his hotel room for an hour-and-a-half interview while his bandmates explore the Louvre, Duritz is reeling from his recent days’ activities, which have included three festival shows, one of them in 120-degree heat, and a severe case of food poisoning after an evening shucking clams.
“It’s been a hell of a few days,” he moans as he shifts around under the sheets. But even in his misery, it’s apparent that this is a new Adam Duritz, bathed and baptized in the waters of his own music.
On Counting Crows’ fifth studio album, the wonderfully jarring Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings, Duritz not only shows his scars, but reveals the knife that formed them – a scythe of depression and mental illness that’s had him wandering through a half-life for the past 15 years. On the album’s two halves – the fierce and flailing Saturday Nights and the plaintive Sunday Mornings – Duritz, now 43, explores both his slow disintegration and the painful, floundering attempts at rebirth that followed.
Team Last Call talked to Duritz about his disease, how he almost lost those famous dreadlocks and why his long December might finally be coming to an end.

Team Last Call: You’ve described the Saturday Nights half of the album as the binge and Sunday Mornings as the hangover.
Adam Duritz: I was trying to point out to people that Sunday Mornings was not about redemption. So I said to think of it more like a binge and a hangover. But that brought up a lot of misconception that the Saturday Nights part was about partying, which it’s not. Saturday Nights, there’s nothing celebratory. It’s a record about disintegration and falling apart. It’s about, your life is going to hell. Some of it’s done drunken and on drugs, but basically, that’s just about disintegration.

TLC: The hangover seems very different from recovery, which is something you’ve explored before. “There’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last …”
AD: I think recovery is a hangover. When you’re hung over, your body’s putting itself back together. It just hurts like hell. If you wreck your life, you may decide to put it back together, but you don’t have the skill to do that in any way that does anything but hurt. You don’t know how to do any of it right. You screw it up over and over again.
So most of Sunday Mornings is about failure. It’s about trying to do the right sort of stuff, but it’s all about failure. That’s how my friend put it when we were listening to the record. She said, “Boy, the healthier you get, the sadder this record gets.”

TLC: You made this record during a weird span of time when everyone was busy hating your band and you as an individual. Did that have any affect on the writing or the approach?
AD: I think I decided to talk honestly about what has been going on in my head for the last 15 years because of it. It’s understandable – I write these albums about having a difficult time in life, and meanwhile, from the outside, you look at me and you say, “Well, I don’t get it. He’s traveling the world. He’s got a band. He’s selling a lot of records. He’s screwing all these girls.” – by the way, all of which is fiction. Seriously. It never occurred to me that the press was so fake.
If I had the love life I’ve read about, I wouldn’t complain half as much as I have. Although that’s not really true, because if you think heaven on earth is dating a movie star, then you’ve never met one.

TLC: So people read this stuff about you, and then you lose your right to be unhappy because you have this glamorous life.
AD: It seems so stupid to me. They’re basically saying, “Look, you’re rich and famous, so you should be fine.” God, I was like 6 years old the first time my parents told me that being popular in school and having money isn’t the be-all, end-all of life. Isn’t that the first lesson your parents taught you? Money doesn’t bring you happiness. Popularity isn’t everything. Prom queen doesn’t mean shit. I was probably 6 when I heard that. And now at the age of 43 I’m reading some moron writer who actually uses that as a basis for writing a review of the record. All I could think of is, “What a fucking mouth-breather, man! What the hell is going on in your brain?”
Nobody around me wanted me to talk about the mental illness [on this record]. And I said, “Look, it’s gone on for long enough.” I felt like the band was starting to suffer from my reluctance to be honest about things. You’re looking at someone who looks like they have a dream life, and they’re complaining about it. Well, I have a problem. I have a serious mental illness that makes the world seem like a hallucination all day long. And this is the truth that you’ve been shitting on me about all these years.
I didn’t want to become a public spectacle while I was falling apart. But I’m a lot healthier these days, and I feel like I can sustain whatever embarrassment will come from talking about having a serious mental illness. I’ll deal with it. But you just can’t take a free shot at me anymore for being, like, a fat pig who whines. I mean, you can, but the deal is, I have a serious mental illness and I gained a lot of weight on medication. I weigh 60 pounds less now. I’m on my two feet and I made another record. You just don’t get the free shot anymore.
All I wanted to make people do is review the record. You’re still allowed to not like the record. I have utter respect for people who don’t like my record. But review the record, not me.

TLC: A lot of younger bands have started naming Counting Crows as a big influence.
AD: That is where our fan base is. It’s not the people who bought August and Everything After and are now 40. It’s 17- to 22-year-old kids whose older brothers or whatever played it for them. So our fan base has never gotten old. It turns over every year. The “Shrek” thing dropped it right down to the age of 6. [laughs] But you know, those guys, Chris [Carrabba from Dashboard Confessional] and Ryan Ross and Brendan Urie from Panic [at the Disco], at a time when we were maybe a very un-cool band, they went to journalists who interviewed them and they said, “No, no. You’ve got it all wrong. Counting Crows is our favorite band. We get everything from Counting Crows.” And the first few journalists must have shit on them for it. They took a hell of a risk doing that.

TLC: I heard that your publicist wanted you to shave your head for this album.
AD: She said to me one day, “Look, I know this is going to seem really weird to you. Just don’t dismiss it out of hand. I think this might be a really good time for you to think about changing your hair. Make it clear to everyone that you’re a different person.”
I went home and I thought about it. But the truth of the matter is, my whole life I looked in the mirror and I didn’t get it. What I would see in the mirror did not feel like me. And the first time that ever really changed for me was the day I first put those dread extensions in. It’s funny, because it’s a fake thing. They’re not real. But I walked downstairs and down the street … and I saw my reflection and I stopped and turned and looked at myself, and for the first time in my life I felt like, “Oh my god, it’s me!” All the sudden in the mirror there was this crazy thing on my head that seemed like me. It was free and it was insane and it was mad, like me.

TLC: When you think back to moments like that, does that even seem like the same lifetime?
AD: It feels exactly the same. I think that’s one of the things that’s good about me, actually, is that I have not changed very much.
The truth is, you didn’t have anything to do with [your success]. You just made your record, and other people bought it. I always say that fame isn’t something you do to yourself. Fame is something other people do to you.

TLC: You’ve said that your goal is to simply leave behind a legacy that you’re proud of. What else is there for you to do in order to accomplish that?
AD: Children and art – that’s what Sondheim says. There are only two things anyone can really leave behind in this world: children and art.
I’m very different now. There are things I can have in my life like my parents have, like my friends have, that I couldn’t have had back then. I could have children, I could have a family, I could be in love, I could get married. In fact, I met someone, and she makes every day feel like it’s OK. Whether I’m a thousand miles away from her or not, I feel good.

Posted by Jeff on 8/01/2008 12:37:00 AM

The website youvebeenleftbehind.com is one of those things that, like Cindy McCain's eyebrows, is at once hilarious and terrifying.

I first heard about the website on Wait Wait … Don't Tell Me, NPR's weekly quiz show. I almost broke my neck diving for the laptop to check it out, eager to get in on the joke. Only, it wasn't a joke. This website is as serious as the apocalypse. Literally.

Youvebeenleftbehind.com is a service that enables customers to send e-mails to friends and family, just like Hotmail or Yahoo – only these e-mails will be sent after the Rapture.

Specifically, the website is designed to enable individuals who believe they will be physically swept up to heaven after the Rapture (aka the Second Coming of Christ) to contact loved ones who have been "left behind" on earth.

By sending your recently damned friends a quick note, you can "snatch them from the flames" by convincing them to stop doing things that will make them go to hell, like listening to Nickelback. With any luck, your friends will repent and will be able to catch the proverbial second bus up to heaven, where post-grunge is definitely not allowed.

For just $40 a year, you can store e-mails to up to 62 of your closest friends whom you believe are going to hell, which is great news if you know a lot of Bush supporters. The website holds onto the e-mails until the Rapture occurs, at which point they will be sent automatically. You have the option of writing your own original letters or using one of the website's templates, including the popular "Nanny nanny boo boo, I'm in heaven, how 'bout you?"

According to the UK's Daily Telegraph, youvebeenleftbehind.com was created by Mark Heard, a "49-year-old supermarket shelf-stacker from Cape Cod, Massachusetts."

"He said he got the idea in 1999 while trading in shares online," the article explains. "It suddenly occurred to him that he would not be able to send his trading password to his wife if the Rapture suddenly took him."

This statement has some curious implications. One is that, while Heard believes he will be in heaven after the Rapture, he also thinks his wife isn't going to make the cut. He also seems to believe that, once she is left behind, in the middle of the Antichrist's rain of hail, fire and blood, his wife plans on doing some serious online trading.

"Surely," I thought while reading the article, "there must be some kind of misunderstanding." So I decided to ask Heard about it.

"Yes, unfortunately at this point in time, my wife of 17 years will not be making the trip to heaven," Heard tells me during a rather colorful e-mail exchange. "How can I say that? She is vocally not a Christian and has no relationship with God, nor does she desire one."

And you thought your dinner conversations were awkward.

According to Heard, the e-mails stored at youvebeenleftbehind.com will be sent out precisely six days after the Rapture, in what is known as the "tribulation period," during which those left behind will experience great horrors like pestilence, famine, disease and Fox News, which will be the only fully functional news team still on earth.

"I have a team of Christian couples scattered around the U.S. – four active couples and one alternate," Heard explains. "They are scattered to protect us from having the team wiped out by attack, natural disaster or epidemic. They are couples in case one is sick, injured [or] killed. If three out of four fail to log in [to the website] for three days, the system figures the Rapture has taken place.

"Also," he adds, "one team member is located near the server bank with access in case the net goes down or malfunctions."

This brings up an interesting question: Will the Internet even work after the Rapture? Does Verizon Wireless have an apocalypse contingency plan?

"I do believe that the Internet will be up and running," Heard reassures.

"Eventually, God will take it down, as he destroys the world system," he says. "That won't be until the second half of the tribulation, though."

So that's a relief.

All of the e-mails stored on youvebeenleftbehind.com are specially encrypted so that you can safely send login information and passwords for your bank account, investments, retirement fund, etc. to your doomed loved ones. Because if nobody claims your money, says Heard, "the Antichrist gets your stuff." And that's a bummer no matter how you spin it.

Heard says he will definitely not steal your private information and use it to buy himself a new car, so that's one less thing to worry about.

The idea for youvebeenleftbehind.com is, of course, genius, albeit in a potentially soulless, "exploiting the fears of others" kind of way. With a clientele "between one and 1,000" people, Heard is raking in up to 40 grand a year to do little more than provide an e-mail account with storage space the size of Bill O'Reilly's tiny black heart.

And the best part is that – if it somehow turned out to be a hoax – no one could prove it until, you know, the end of the world.

But I will give Heard this: He talks a good game, and if he sincerely believes in what he is peddling, it's hard to bash him.

"[There] are those that think we only set this thing up as an elaborate ruse to get personal information," Heard says. "Most of those calling it a scam are only repeating what someone else said. They didn't look into it for themselves.

"It has been interesting just how much this thing has turned into a ministry," he adds. "Since I launched You've Been Left Behind, the secular media attention has been insane. Over 125,000 unique visitors from 160 countries have hit the site. You've Been Left Behind has been on every Internet site, blog and newspage. It's been on National Public Radio, ABC News, Fox News, hundreds of news.coms, The London Times, The London U.K.Gardian, the front page of the Irish national newspaper …

"I must say that God has used this site to get up in people's face again."

Here's hoping there are no spam filters after the apocalypse.

Posted by Jeff on 7/01/2008 12:35:00 AM

Last month, I devoted an entire column to a cultural phenomenon known as TruckNutz, which are pairs of fake testicles designed to dangle from the bumper of vehicles so as to let everyone know that the owner of that car is an idiot.

As per usual, prior to writing my column, I conducted hours of extensive research on the Internet in order to ensure that I wouldn't have to come up with any of my own jokes. While conducting this research, I made many startling discoveries, including the fact that I can fit upwards of three Krispy Kremes in my mouth at a time.

Another profound discovery was how very many slang words there are for "testicles." For your reading pleasure, and also for my word count's pleasure, here are several of my favorite testicle euphemisms: balls, nuts, berries, jewels, danglies, plums, stones, rocks, bobbles, love apples, teabags, cajones, huevos, Rocky Mountain oysters, Montana tendergroin, hairy grapes and Dick Cheney.

Sample sentence: "The next TruckNutz owner who sends me an angry e-mail is getting kicked right in the Dick Cheney."

Euphemisms like those have existed for thousands of years, ever since the invention of the first dirty word, which was "glockenspiel." Some of these terms were created for the sake of political correctness, like "special needs" and "nail technician." Others were invented as replacements for swear words ("dog mess"). And others were developed in order to sugarcoat, "spin" or otherwise misrepresent the truth of a matter ("mission accomplished").

Some of the earliest euphemisms were what are now called "minced oaths," or words used to avoid profanity – "Gosh" instead of "God," "darn" instead of "damn," "heck" instead of "hell," etc. Many of these words date back to biblical times, making them some of the oldest words in the history of language, along with "apple," "serpent," "Israel," "begat," "camel," "Joseph" and "Technicolor dreamcoat."

Over time, however, many great euphemisms have been phased out of common language, much like punctuation and grammar. For example, no one uses the popular Elizabethan exclamations like "zounds" (a shortening of "God's wounds!") and "gadzooks" ("God's hooks!" – referring to the nails on Jesus' cross) anymore, except for people who are actually from the Elizabethan era, like John McCain.

Some euphemisms became so commonplace over time that they eventually were deemed to be just as offensive as the original term. For example, the word "crippled," once thought to be demeaning, was replaced by the less severe "handicapped." That, in turn, became offensive, and was replaced by "disabled," which was replaced by "physically challenged," which was replaced by "differently abled," which hasn't been replaced yet because nobody knows what it means.

Other euphemisms are so politically correct that they're offensive again. Like saying "vertically challenged" instead of "short" – how patronizing is that? I mean, really! Don't these people face enough tiny little challenges in their day, what with their stumpy little arms and beady little eyes? The last thing they need is to be insulted, no matter how adorable it is when they get "angry." Bless their little hearts.

Don't say "vertically challenged" – say "short," or even "impish" or "itty-bitty." Just don't condescend. Don't waste your breath on "gravitationally challenged" – say "fat." Don't mince your words with "morally challenged" – just say "republican." And don't beat around the bush with "intellectually challenged" – again, just say "republican."

Sometimes a word has so many different euphemisms that it's hard to keep track of which is OK to use. Take "fat," for example. There's "overweight," "obese," "big-boned," "curvy," "chunky," "plus-size," "great personality," "Dick Cheney" …

Who's to say which is right? It really gets confusing after a while. For instance, you could literally have a sentence that goes, "Dick Cheney has a really Dick Cheney Dick Cheney." What does that even mean? You tell me. And while you're at it, maybe you'd like to explain what you were doing looking at Dick Cheney's Dick Cheney in the first place.

Clearly, all of these euphemisms are getting out of hand. And the situation's only going to get more kerfluffled from here.

The younger generation has started cutting out words altogether in favor of text-message acronyms like OMG ("Oh my god!"), LMAO ("Laughing my ass off!") and BILLOREILLY ("Dog mess!"). The main problem with acronyms is that if you're over the age of 13, you can't really use them without looking totally republican. Plus, if you have to explain what the acronyms mean every time you use them, it sort of defeats the point. KWIM?

I think we should just wipe the slate clean and create a new batch of euphemisms so that people can successfully not swear in a way that everybody else can understand. Or better yet, let's create a whole new set of swear words that won't offend anyone, like shrubbery, doily and kitchenette.

Sample sentence: "Bill O'Reilly is a idiotic piece of shrubbery who should be repeatedly smacked in his doily until he stops talking such complete and utter dog mess. Kitchenette!"

That way, the swearer is able to vent, and can do so without upsetting anyone, like, for example, my mother.

And if you've got a problem with that, you can go Google yourself.

Posted by Jeff on 6/01/2008 12:34:00 AM
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Every month, it's the same old routine. I write a column, the magazine hits the streets and 24 hours later, like clockwork, the Team Last Call office is flooded with fan mail. To the point where I have to be like, "Mom, stop it."

But in all seriousness, I don't like to brag, but I've been known to receive as many as one letter a day. I've got to hand it to them, my readers are an enthusiastic bunch, and I'd like to personally thank all 10 of them.

Each letter I receive is unique, if not illegible. Sometimes I'll get one from, say, a concerned republican offering helpful tips pertaining to my bodily orifices and the various objects I might want to consider shoving into them. Other readers send letters offering constructive criticism along the lines of, "What's wrong with you?" and, "I guess they'll give a column to anyone these days." To the point where I have to be like, "Mom, seriously."

Others write to me with questions about life and love in general, such as:

"What do you think about life and love in general?"

"Who do you think was the world's first fat person?"

"Do you think Fox News really just makes up facts, or simply gets them all wrong?"

"If Rush Limbaugh was the last surviving human male on planet Earth, would he still die a virgin?"

To which I respond: You've never actually read my columns, have you?

But by far the most popular question my readers ask – as you've probably already guessed – is, "When are you finally going to write a column about TruckNutz?"

Which is really coincidental, because I was about to do that right nowNutz.

TruckNutz, also known as Bumper Balls, are disturbingly lifelike pairs of fake testicles designed to dangle from the back of a truck, most often between a "Bush/Cheney '04" sticker and a decal of Calvin peeing on something.

These Nutz serve an important function, which is to let other drivers on the road know that the owner of this truck is the kind of man who would actually spend $40 on a pair of fake balls. And also, presumably, to communicate that he is tough and shouldn't be messed with, and the reason he shouldn't be messed with is because his truck has fake testicles.

"Look out, other drivers!" the TruckNutz say. "Nuts in your face!"

TruckNutz are available in plastic and chrome, and come with varying amounts of wrinkles and veins. They measure up to six inches in length and are available in a full spectrum of colors, the most ironic of which is blue. Some of them light up in tandem with the truck's brake lights for maximum testicle visibility.

If this is the first time you've heard about TruckNutz, consider yourself lucky. Studies show that even just reading about them kills brain cells, which explains that little hissing sound you're hearing right now. Prolonged exposure to TruckNutz has been proven to cause permanent damage to such important lobes as the frontal, the temporal, the hernial and the not-listening-to-Nickelbackal.

I've been doing some thinking about why TruckNutz are popular. There's the obvious theory that TruckNutz owners are compensating for certain unmentionable shortcomings, by which I mean their tiny winkies. But these people are already driving large trucks. How much more compensation do they need? Apparently, two balls more.

But there's got to be something more to the story, some little X factor that separates a man who rolls his eyes at TruckNutz from a man who gently scoops them up and whispers, "You complete me."

One entry on Wikipedia identifies this factor as "machismo," which is Italian for "back hair." Another entry, which I created myself, classifies it as acute idiocy. Whatever the factor is, it's apparently spreading, particularly in the South, for reasons that are too obvious to makes jokes about.

Not surprisingly, TruckNutz are receiving a good amount of backlash from a certain demographic of Americans, comprised primarily of people who don't enjoy having someone else's balls in their face. The outcry of these non-consenting ball-lookers has prompted Florida officials to pass a law fining any driver up to $60 for exhibiting his Nutz. In Virginia, a law is pending that would result in a $250 fine per Nutz.

As one might expect, the TruckNutz backlash is now experiencing a backlash of its own. Upset Nutz owners across the country are ferociously defending their right to dangle their Nutz wherever and whenever they want, like Bill Clinton. It's a matter of free speech, they say. In America, everyone has a right to express his beliefs and opinions. For some people, that means starting a prayer group in school or staging a peace protest. For others, it means hanging a fake pair of balls from their bumpers.

The last thing I want to do is judge. If some dude wants to invest his money in rubber testicles, as opposed to, say, ending world hunger or reversing global warming or sending supplies to our troops, that's his personal, private business.

I think the crux of the issue here is that, ultimately, TruckNutz are just in really, really bad taste. But unfortunately, there is no law against bad taste, or Howie Mandel would be locked away in Sing Sing on 126 counts of douchery. What we're left with, I'm afraid, is a world in which Nutz must not only be tolerated, but embraced. The sooner we can reconcile ourselves to this fact, the sooner we can shift our focus back to the issues that really matter. Like Miley Cyrus.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some mail to open.

Mom!

Posted by Jeff on 5/01/2008 12:33:00 AM
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The other day, I was floundering around the park on my daily jog – my lungs wheezing, my face puffed up like a swollen tomato, my belly sloshing around like a trash bag full of pudding – and all I could hear were three little words banging around in my brain like shoes in a dryer:

I'm still fat.

I've been running for four months now, and boy are my legs tired ha ha ha. But for real, it's been four months, and as far as my scale is concerned, I've spent that entire time dumpster diving behind the Krispy Kreme factory. Which is hardly even true.

I can't help but wonder if there isn't something inherently wrong with the design of my body that I can spend hours of my week lumbering around my neighborhood and actually gain weight. Seriously, that happened one month. I don't even know why I bother to jog at all. I'm about as fit to run as John McCain. (Zing!)

All my 23-year-old coworkers need to do is think about exercising and they get skinnier. They lose an average of 15 pounds a day just by breathing. They lost another five in the time it took for me to type that. But not Old Man Royer. I just sit here writing bitter columns, eating my Lean Cuisine and swelling up like a bee sting.

Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being fat, other than the health complications, the self-esteem issues and the social stigmas. And the premature death. I'm just saying that being fat doesn't work for me. Because you never know when someone might walk up and say, "Oh, hello, 31-year-old dude with a receding hairline and zero fashion sense. I'd like to give you a multi-million dollar record deal!" When that moment comes for me, I'd like for my profile to look a little more Michael Phelps and little less Michael Moore.

But there is some part of my genetic makeup that refuses to not be fat. Which is how I know I'm related to Dick Cheney.

Sometimes I think about the world's very first fat person – specifically, what made him fat, and how it might explain my present situation.

I mean, someone had to be first. Somebody somewhere, at some point in the history of the human race, was the very first person to get a little junk in his trunk. Who was that guy? Where did he come from? Did he have a record deal? Did he like to put words in italics?

Simple logic tells us that fat people date back to at least 2004, when the first "Biggest Loser" aired. However, after consulting several top scientific resources, including Wikipedia and TMZ.com, I discovered that obesity can actually be traced back as far as Meat Loaf.

But the truth is, no one really knows for sure, so I'm forced to take the Fox News approach and just plain guess. What my gut tells me is that obesity actually extends back to the time of the caveman. I believe this in part because I Googled the words "fat caveman" and got a bunch of hits. I also believe this because I conducted a scientific poll among my friends, and not a single one of them has not ever not seen a fat caveman.

Cavemen, as we learned from the classic 1970s series "Land of the Lost," were small, angry, chimpanzee-like humanoids with jutting underbites, excessive body hair and little to no grasp of language. So basically, they were Nickelback.

Cavemen can also be identified by their extremely skimpy clothing and sexual promiscuity, as is illustrated in detail in 2004's direct-to-video classic "Bikini Cavegirl," in which a young female cavebunny accidentally transports herself into the future and, in order to get back home, takes the logical route of having sex with lots and lots of pasty white dudes with moustaches.

Cavemen lived a grueling day-to-day existence full of constant struggle. They had to hunt and gather, fight and kill. They had to scrounge for every meal. It was a dangerous, terrifying world full of hazards – from saber tooth tigers to tyrannosaurus rexes to seriously spotty cell phone reception. In summary, survival in prehistoric times took every ounce of a man's strength and energy. He had to be a lean, mean, death-avoiding machine. And that's what cavemen were.

Until one day, when one of them got fat.

How did this happen? It couldn't have been hereditary, since neither of his parents were fat. But he was the very first fat guy. Ever.

And it couldn't have been laziness. A caveman had to be on the move every day just to survive. Plus, if he stayed home, he knew Mrs. Caveman would never stop nagging him about how he should be out hunting for food like the rest of the men and how everyone else on their block had nicer cave paintings than theirs and how a strange charge showed up on their cable bill for a movie called "Bikini Cavegirl."

So why wasn't this caveman out hunting and gathering and burning lots of caveman calories? Was he on some sort of caveman disability? Was his union striking for higher caveman wages? Did he become the CEO of a caveman oil company, get rich, install himself as vice president of the cavemen government, start a disastrous war, pass a tax cut for the top one percent of the caveman population and get richer, fatter, balder and uglier while the caveman economy was on the brink of collapse?

Possible, but not likely.

And there are other questions, like how did the first fat person's friends react? Did they even have a word for obesity? "Hey, Thog. Have you seen Ogg recently? He's getting really … something."

If anything, I know even less now than when I began my research. I don't know who the world's first fat person was. I don't know why I gain weight when I jog. I don't know why you are still reading this column. All I really know is that my fatness is like 30 pounds of story fodder wrapped around my mid-section, and I'm going to milk it for all it's worth. Who knows – maybe one day it will help me become vice president.

Posted by Jeff on 4/08/2008 12:32:00 AM

For my entire life, it's been apparent to me and everyone around me that I am destined to be a reality TV star. It's my entire reason for existence.

I've got the looks, I've got the charm, I've got the shamelessness. I've got a boy-ish face, so I'm likeable, but I've also got long-ish hair, so you know I'm dangerous. And if there's money involved, I'm totally willing to show my tender parts on national TV. Plus, I'm short, so I can fit in a lot of interesting places that bigger stars can't.

I've got an English degree, so I could be the sensitive, bookish half in one of those mismatched-partners shows. And I have a big mouth, so I could make a show colorful, like Scott Baio. I also have a tattoo, so I could play the tough-guy role like Dog the Bounty Hunter, or maybe the lady from "Nanny 911."

In short, if there's a man out there who's got more to offer a reality TV show than I do, I'd like to meet him. So I could shoot him and reclaim that number one spot.

For all of these reasons and more, I'm so excited that a reality show is finally making its way to Central PA.

It's just been confirmed that "Whoopsie," which is tentatively scheduled to return to Fox this coming fall, will be filmed almost entirely at the Senorita Burrita restaurant in downtown Lancaster. This will be the second season of the popular reality series on Fox, and the third overall since "Whoopsie" first broadcast on FX in 2006.

Senorita Burrita was chosen out of literally thousands of potential sites as the setting for the show's next season. Although she was aware that her restaurant was being considered as a setting, owner Jen Foster admits that it didn't diminish the shock when she received the confirmation call.

"I'm excited, but a little nervous. I get stoked about it," says Foster. "I can't actually legally talk about when or how it will be filmed, but it's coming!"

Needless to say, serving as the set for "Whoopsie" will be an incredible boost for the California mission-style burrito shop, which opened its doors in 2003 at 227 North Prince Street, nestled in the heart of Gallery Row just steps from the famed Chameleon Club, record label and retail shop CI Records, mid-century modern furniture and art gallery Metropolis and vinyl wonderland Mr. Suit Records.

"I knew I had to keep it under wraps, but it was impossible," says CI's Jeremy Weiss of the recent announcement. "'Whoopsie' had been a favorite of mine. When I told the guys at work, they were like, 'What?'"

As for why Senorita Burrita was ultimately chosen, Foster can only guess.

"We've served Hulk Hogan, Gavin DeGraw, Henry Rollins," she says. "Maybe they wanted to do a show in a small town, but at a shop that attracts a lot of interesting personalities."

The show, of course, will benefit more than just Senorita Burrita. It's also sure to create many lucrative opportunities for the surrounding downtown businesses. Says Chameleon Club co-owner Holly Skiadas, "I expect the immediate neighbors to feel the impact, but only time will tell if there will be an economic boom for the 100 and 300 blocks of Prince."

As for details about the show itself, Skiadas, like Foster, isn't talking. "I am not at liberty to speak about the project," she says politely.

However, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to speculate.

If it's anything like the original "Whoopsie," this season will involve a dozen or so contestants pitted against each other in "Survivor"-style challenges of physical and mental skill. It's safe to assume that at least some of these challenges will involve tasks like working the Senorita Burrita lunch rush with various handicaps like blindfolds, arm and leg weights and the now-infamous Whoopsie Weasel. Other times, the challenges may involve more behind-the-scenes tests, like handling employee schedules or placing produce orders. As Foster assures with a laugh, it's not as easy as you might think!

With me being (apparently) something of a "local celebrity," as well as a regular at Senorita Burrita, I was chosen to serve as one of the episodes' "local" judges. It's just one episode, but I'm optimistic about the opportunities it could lead to. Plus, my mom will finally have something to brag about to the ladies at church.

I've got to admit, even though the show is already in pre-production, it's hard to believe that it's actually going to happen here in Central PA. I keep trying to picture last season's contestants working behind the restaurant counter, and it's next to impossible. Brianne Washington in a Senorita Burrita shirt? Hotchie-motchie!

This year's roster of contestants is nothing to sniff at either. Among the people I was able to confirm so far are a few big personalities from last season (Tiffany Van Der Mar, Jimmy Kleese), as well as some B-list celebrities from other reality shows, including Tonya Marx-Davies from "Lunch Swap." Rumors are also being spread about an encore guest-hosting appearance by Marc Summers, but the producers absolutely refuse to confirm or deny it.

What they will confirm is that, as before, new contestants will be added to the show throughout the season as people are voted off – and they're looking for men and women from around the area. Filming could begin as early as this spring. Maybe you can be the Julianne to my Helio!

Posted by Jeff on 3/01/2008 12:31:00 AM

Last month, the Super Bowl and Mardi Gras took place within two days of each other, making it the most barf-tastic three-day stretch in recent memory.

Lord only knows how much alcohol was consumed and expelled during that magical time period. If Lindsey Lohan had anything to say about it, the answer is a lot.

"But wait!" you might be thinking. "What about this month? Isn't there anything to barf about in March?"

Actually, there's plenty to barf about this month. In fact, March might be the single barfiest month of the year, thanks to one internationally celebrated Irish holiday I like call "Throw Up Beer In The Back Of Your Friend's Car Day." Easter!

Just kidding. It's St. Patrick's Day. Or as Amy Winehouse likes to call it, Day.

So, why is St. Patrick's Day so throw up-y? Well, according to one reputable website, by which I mean Wikipedia, many American St. Patrick's Day celebrations center around "alcohol." And if it says it on Wikipedia, then you know it's true. Or that it's totally not true. You never know, which is part of why Wikipedia is awesome. It's like playing Russian roulette, only instead of bullets, you use facts.

For example, I looked up Tom Cruise on Wikipedia and couldn't find the words "creepy," "really creepy" or "super creepy" anywhere, so that shows you just how off it can be. I wonder if Wikipedia is where President Bush looked to see if Iraq had WMDs? Just a thought.

Anyway, the point is, a lot of people drink alcohol on St. Patrick's Day. As studies show, the abuse of alcohol can have some pretty horrifying consequences, such as hangovers, automobile accidents and voting for Mitt Romney. Who, according to Wikipedia, is made of 80 percent plastic. Then again, Wikipedia also claims that Romney has withdrawn from the presidential race. So there's an example of Wikipedia being right twice in a row.

But worse than any of these side effects, drinking can lead to barfing, which, according to several top scientists, sucks. And yet, no matter how many times they might learn this hard lesson first-hand, millions of Americans will once again end their St. Patrick's Day bowing down before the porcelain god. Calling Huey on the great white telephone. Mugging the porcelain tourist. Playing with the edible yo-yo. Giggling to Ralph over the porcelain intercom. Making a pavement pizza. Singing solo in the porcelain amphitheater. And other funny phrases I found online to boost my word count.

What makes it worse is that most people don't have the faintest idea what they're actually celebrating on St. Patrick's Day.

In fact, for a lot of people (Lindsey Lohan), St. Patrick's Day is distinguished from Mardi Gras only by the fact that the beer they're throwing up is green.

The real reason we celebrate is, of course, to commemorate the life and deeds of St. Patrick, who is famous for chasing all of the snakes out of Ireland, presumably by putting on a green plastic hat and throwing up Jell-O shots on them. This feat is all the more amazing when you consider the fact that Ireland never had any snakes to begin with. And that's an actual true, scientific, non-made-up fact. As opposed to this one: George Bush was forged in the fires of Mordor.

Which is a lie because, as Wikipedia points out, he was actually the one doing the forging.

I don't mean to give the impression that I did all of my research for this article on Wikipedia. That couldn't be further from the truth. I also did some research on pukeplanet.com, which is a website consisting entirely of pictures of people barfing. That's sort of bizarre in and of itself, but the truly remarkable part is how the website advertises itself as – and I swear this is true – "the best site for puke pictures on the web."

So if you've been less than satisfied with the puke-picture sites you've been frequenting lately, you know where to go.

Sometimes I think about St. Patrick's Day and all of the barfing and wonder how things got so out of hand. Like, 400 years ago it was a holy day of obligation for Roman Catholics in Ireland. Now it's a day when people go out to bars, drink their body weight in green-tinted domestic drafts and blarney all over each other's shoes. It's like the entire holiday has been secularized, which is a really, really sad thing. I mean, what would Santa say if he were here?

Yeah, sometimes I get down about St. Patrick's Day. But then I think about those tiny little men in the funny suits who are always hiding their gold – What do you call those again? Republicans? – and I smile.

At least next year we won't have one of those in the White House.

Posted by Jeff on 3/01/2008 12:06:00 AM


“We’re kind of like the dirty old uncle of the music business that everybody thinks is cool, but nobody invites when they have decent friends coming over.”
It’s not the prettiest metaphor Mike Cooley’s ever used, but it’s as good as any when it comes to describing the Drive-By Truckers’ place in the music world. For years, these torchbearers of Southern rock have been smothered with stadium-sized praise, but never really managed to graduate from the sticky-floored club scene.
“Greatest band on planet Earth” isn’t a tag that’s often bestowed upon a band that most of America has never even heard of. But there’s just something about the Truckers that makes journalists get all googley. The hell’s-bells triple-guitar attack; the blue-collar laments; the blue-collar celebrations; the bottles of Jack they pass around onstage; the burning honesty of the lyrics; the intelligence and wit; the wild abandon; and the fact that they seem almost completely unaware that they’re responsible for any of these things.
The departure of Jason Isbell, one of the Drive-By Truckers’ three frontmen, between albums resulted in a lot of nail-biting among the band’s fan base. But Cooley and his musical partner of over 20 years, Patterson Hood, didn’t get the memo to be nervous. Instead, the two holed themselves up and, with some unexpected help from bassist Shonna Tucker, sneezed out what might be the finest album of their career.
Brighter Than Creation’s Dark is, as Hood has called it, a “grower.” None of the tracks is going to make it to Top 40 in our lifetime – although lead single “The Righteous Path” could have given Neil Young and Crazy Horse a run for their money in the ’70s. But taken as a whole, the album is simultaneously the calm before, the eye of, and the aftermath of the storm, a revolving mass of earthquaking rockers, hushed ballads and instant alt-country classics.
Team Last Call caught up with Cooley in mid-February to get the Drive-By Truckers’ state of the union.

Team Last Call: Patterson called Brighter Than Creation’s Dark your best album, which I know bands are supposed to say about every new album – but is that something you agree with?
Mike Cooley: This really is. I don’t think there’s any argument. The songs overall, song for song, I think are better. I think we played better and broke some new ground.

TLC: I know you get squirmy around the word “mature,” but I think it does apply to this album. It’s more songwriting, less muscle.
MC: If you can get better instead of older, then “mature” is good. [laughs] But it’s like, you know, “Oh, they’re mature now.” And the next thing you hear is, “The big summer tour – Harry Connick Jr. with the Drive-By Truckers!” Ahh!

TLC: This time around, you individually are getting the most praise for the songs you contributed.
MC: I’ve always had my fans. Some of them are a little scary, but I think overall they mean well.

TLC: Pitchfork called you the “hell-raising, yarn-spinning fuck-up” of the band. Is that fair?
MC: I haven’t been a fuck-up in a long time, but when I was, I was a marvelous fuck-up. So that’s fair. I’m just finally getting press for it.

TLC: The songs on this album stick with the same dark themes you’ve been writing about for years – the tragic characters, drinking and drugs, murder and suicide. Where does that dark streak come from?
MC: It’s just more interesting to write about. [laughs] We’ve had plenty of close associations with all those things. It makes you think and affects you on a more emotional level than the happy stuff does. The tragedy is just a better movie. When you see somebody sliding down into the gutter, it affects you a lot longer.

TLC: You said in another interview that this has been a year of highlights for you. What did you mean by that?
MC: First of all, we ended last year with some much, much needed time off the road. That had more to do with the creative streak and the quality of the songs than anything, just being able to, for me, stay in my own space long enough to get it out and get it done. So I felt real good about that. And then we shifted right into doing the Betty LaVette record. Now all of the sudden I’ve got this chance to be a part of making a really cool soul record in Muscle Shoals. You grow up loving that music, and I figured being a part of something like that just was never going to happen. But it happened, and it was fun, and now it’s nominated for a Grammy. So, even better! [Editor’s note about the Grammy: no dice.] It’s just been a great year.

TLC FM: Isbell left the band after five years and three albums. Can you talk about what that was like?
MC: It was a friendly split. It wasn’t any big deal. It was time for him to go do his own thing. He’s talented, he’s prolific. And he’s done great. It was definitely a lot better than having somebody leave in the middle of a tour or making a record.

TLC: Did you feel like you had something to prove to fans who were concerned after he left?
MC: Not really. We were a band for five years before [he joined]. I think we just wanted to make a good record. We wanted to be creative again.

TLC: It was fun as a fan watching Shonna step up with songs of her own. I think having the different writers’ voices and perspectives is part of the whole Drive-By Truckers deal.
MC: It is! If me and Patterson had to write all the songs, we’d find a way to make it work. We’ve done it before. But her coming in with songs was kind of a surprise for us. We had no idea until we went into the studio.

TLC: You and Patterson have persevered through divorce, financial struggles, mental breakdowns, Isbell’s departure. What keeps pushing you forward?
MC: I guess we’re in love. [laughs]

TLC: When people throw things at you like “the greatest band in the world,” how do you even respond to that?
MC: I’m just glad I didn’t have to say it myself. [laughs] I didn’t get into this game to lose!

TLC: I read that you’re considering moving on without a record label.
MC: Since we signed to New West, it’s like, everything is different. I think anybody at a point of making a major decision needs to sit down and do a little thinking, because the traditional record company-artist relationship and business model is obsolete now. It just doesn’t work anymore. I don’t know what we’re actually going to do, other than try to maintain our fan base and build it. That’s what we’ve built everything on. We’ve never been able to rely on all the things that artists of the past could rely on a record company for.

TLC: But you never know – maybe New West will surprise you by landing you a tour with Hannah Montana!
MC: They could surprise me by having an original idea! [laughs]

TLC: That being said, do you talk about the things you still want to accomplish together?
MC: We’ve got this year to think about it. We’ve got this record out, and it’s on New West whether we like it or not. I would love to have kept this one for myself because I like it. But we’re going to tour behind it. We’re going to hand-deliver it to our fans like we always have. I’ve always lived by the philosophy that if you take care of what’s important, everything else will take care of itself. And our fans built us. They’re why we have a job. We’ll find a way to take care of them.
*Reprinted from Fly Magazine

Posted by Jeff on 2/01/2008 03:00:00 AM

“Just watch out for ‘sensitive.’ If someone starts saying they’re ‘sensitive’ to you, it’s bad news!”
Against Me! singer Tom Gabel has learned a lot in the two years since he and his anarchist-punk bandmates made the jump from an indie label to Sire Records.
The list of industry terms he’s compiled on his Blackberry is probably the funniest evidence of this. From “viral campaign” to “cultural significance,” Gabel’s assembled an impressive database of bullshit words and phrases, with “sensitive” occupying the number one position.
“If someone at a record label tells you that they’re ‘sensitive’ to your needs as an artist,” he explains with a laugh, “it means that they’re going to be very, very manipulative, but in a very subtle way.”
Against Me! have also learned another word along their travels: sellout. The myopic punk crowd, ever concerned with rebelling against the mainstream, did a major-league freak-out when Against Me! ostensibly switched teams. What they didn’t consider was the novel idea that Gabel and his band hit upon: If you’re unhappy with what’s going on in the mainstream … change the mainstream.
With the release of their Sire debut, New Wave, in July, that’s exactly what they did. The record is being hailed as one of the most vibrant, colossal and fierce offerings of 2007 – the best album of the year, if you want to listen to Spin.
In the midst of the escalating hype, Team Last Call tracked down Gabel in his hometown of Gainesville, Florida, to talk about the thin line between sellout and revolutionary.

Team Last Call: It seems like everyone on planet Earth is freaking out about your new album. What’s that like for you?
Tom Gabel: Stuff like that, it’s nice, it’s cool, it’s awesome. Anybody who tells you that they aren’t happy to have their work appreciated is lying to you. But that’s not necessarily why you do it. It’s more just something cool to show your mom. “Check it out, mom! You can go to Barnes & Noble and get this magazine!” It’s like coming home with a good report card.

TLC: On New Wave, it seems like you’re moving in a more positive direction – less “this situation is screwed up” and more “here’s something you can do to change it.” What was the catalyst for that?
TG: I think it’s not so much, “Here’s something you can do.” It’s more, “Just do something!” Whatever it is, be motivated and try to be positive about things. There were personal things that happened in my life that were a sea change. But also, it was kind of taking a look at where we were as a band and feeling grateful and very fortunate and thinking, “This is an awesome situation to be in. Why not make the best of it?” I feel like it would have been really in bad taste to put out some self-bemoaning album as a major label debut. “Life is horrible. All these things suck!” I feel like it was a real opportunity to do something that wasn’t self-centered.

TLC: What was the motivation for you to move to a major in the first place?
TG: I never wanted to be a band that was defined by its record label, because I think that’s just ridiculous. So while Fat [Wreck Chords] was an amazing label and we appreciate everything that they’ve done for us, it felt like if we would have stayed it would have been stagnating. It would have gotten less exciting, and we could have just shit out a record every two or three years and kept doing the same thing. I think in taking risks and taking on challenges, that’s where you grow as a person and that’s where you grow as a band. So it was important for us to move on.

TLC: That’s not nearly as scandalous as it’s supposed to be.
TG: [laughs] Sorry! It’s boring. There’s no devious subplot. It’s a boring numbers thing. “This makes sense for these reasons.”

TLC: People have been yelling “sellout” at you guys for years almost every step forward you’ve taken.
TG: Totally. It was funny, when it was time to face this decision – “OK, do we want to sign to Sire?” – never was there a moment when we were like, “Oh, damn, we’re signing to a major label.” We just came to this point where it’s like, “You know what? No one else knows what’s best for us. We know what’s best for us. So let’s just ignore everybody else.”

TLC: So you’re not worried about that sellout perception?
TG: Not at all. Anyone who would really throw an accusation like that is an immature person. Usually, stuff like that is motivated by jealousy or motivated by complete ignorance and a misunderstanding of the situation. I mean, the idea that somebody else who is completely removed from the situation and isn’t in the band, who’s never been in a band, who’s never worked with record labels or anything like that, would know more about it than I do – it’s stupid.

TLC: You seem on your albums like you have this overarching sense of purpose. Where does that come from?
TG: I think a lot of it comes from – as cliché as it sounds – but it comes from punk in general. For me, the most important lesson I learned from punk was to question things, to question everything. A lot of that will then in turn be questioning myself, and that’s something that I constantly do. I question my motivations, I question the way I interact with people – everything – and that comes out a lot in my writing.

TLC: For a lot of people, major labels mean limousines and pimp cups. But I read that you guys still practice in a squat.
TG: It’s a glorified storage unit. [laughs] People have a deep misconception when it comes to major labels. They think you sign to a major label and then suddenly the label just pays for everything. You couldn’t be farther from the truth. As a band, we choose all the bands we tour with, we take care of all of our day-to-day business, we pay our own taxes, we take care of setting up our own tours. All our record label does is put out the record for us and put it into stores – and they set up this interview.

TLC: I keep reading these comparisons between Against Me! and Nirvana, or between New Wave and Nevermind. How do you even react to something like that?
TG: Well, I take it with a grain of salt. Obviously, people are making that comparison because we worked with Butch Vig, who recorded Nevermind. So it’s a really easy thing to say. But in general in the music world, especially right now with every music-related business magazine talking about, “This year, sales are down 50 percent! File sharing is ruining the music industry! What are we going to do? CDs are dead!” – it’s almost like talking about the next Nirvana is the music industry’s version of Christ coming back. “He’s returned!” It’s like a fairytale.

TLC: You guys are in a unique situation where, because of the whole “punk cred” issue, you can’t really go backwards.
TG: You have to keep progressing. You want to keep growing and you want to keep learning. You don’t want to regress – I almost fear that.
For me, playing in basements and VFW halls, we did that for years, and we’ve played some of the most amazing shows of our existence as a band in those situations, and I would hate to have the memory of that ruined by going back and trying to force ourselves into that again. You want to have the fondest memories of those experiences.

Posted by Jeff on 2/01/2008 12:30:00 AM

A few months ago, I was hanging out in one of my favorite downtown pubs when I spotted a distant acquaintance across the bar, one of those friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend kind of deals.

"Hey, man," I said, "how's it going?

He stared at me for a moment, clearly puzzled, before a smile spread across his face.

"Oh, hey!" he yelled across the bar. "I didn't recognize you. Been packing on the pounds, huh?"

This was awkward on several different levels.

First of all, there's the inherent weirdness of having a near-stranger tell you to your face that you are fat.

I mean, in the dude realm, this ordinarily isn't a big deal. Getting called fat or hairy or ugly when you're hanging out with your guy friends is kind of par for the course. You don't get upset about it. In fact, you're usually just grateful it wasn't accompanied by a smack in the hoo-has.

But this guy crossed the dude line. Because "fat" is one thing. But "so fat that your face has devoured itself" is a different animal altogether.

And then there was the "huh." Without the "huh," he would just have been making a statement. A totally unwarranted statement, but a statement nonetheless. But the "huh" turned it into a question – a question that, according to the faces of everyone sitting around me, I was expected to answer.

"Hey, big piggy fat-face, you've gotten so fat that people can barely make out the normal human face inside your new fat fatty pig-face – don't you agree?"

I really didn't know how I was supposed to respond. I've always made it a point to carry around a few "backup pounds," just in case I was ever marooned on an island or something like that. You never know when your airplane might crack in half and dump you and a bunch of strangers on an uncharted mass of land inhabited by polar bears, body-snatchers, deadly clouds and mysterious government hatches.

But still, I've never been overweight enough for someone to actually call me fat. To my face. In front of lots of strangers. How is someone supposed to react in a situation like that? Britney, where were you when I needed you?

The way I figured it, I had two options available to me: 1) Take the childish route and punch him in the face, or 2) Take the childish route and punch him in the neck. Never underestimate chubby-kid angst.

But I didn't do either. I decided that my greatest weapon wasn't my fists, but my rapier wit. I'd give him a good, old-fashioned tongue-lashing, a devastating verbal assault, a kick right in the proverbial hoo-has.

So here's what I came up with:

"Yeah. Heh. I guess I have."

Zing!

I spent most of the following week thinking up other lines I could have used to stun him, including such classics as, "Shut up!" and "You're the one who's fat!"

When I wasn't busy doing that, I was obsessively staring at my own ass in the mirror and trying to decide if I really had gotten so fat that my face had imploded.

I consulted with a panel of experts, by which I mean my mommy, and was thoroughly assured that I hadn't gained a pound since high school. I just had a little extra cuddliness to me. Baby fat, is what she called it.

When I asked my wife what she thought about the issue, she tossed one of our cats at my face and ran out the door, which I chose to interpret as, "I am hot for your body, and I have to leave now before I am overcome with fiery passion."

But still, numbers don't lie. Especially the numbers on the tag of my pants, which reveal to anyone who cares to look that, from the waist down at least, I am officially rounder than I am tall. This is a shocking thing to realize. Like, if you tried to wrap one of my pant legs around my waist, I'd smack you. But then if you tried again, you'd discover that the pant leg doesn't go the whole way around. Something has gone terribly wrong.

I figure that a person can choose to react to being a fatty in one of two ways: by accepting responsibility and taking action, or by refusing responsibility and blaming someone else.

So far, I've got about 10 or 15 names on my list, all of whom in some way are responsible for my weight gain.

Mitt Romney, Tom Cruise, Gene Simmons – I know they all factor in somehow, although I can't prove it. Either way, they creep me out.

In the end, though, my list wasn't helping any, so I decided to take up jogging. Well, not so much "jogging" as "flailing around the elementary school track like a wounded walrus." After a month of jogging every morning, I somehow managed to actually gain about two pounds, which is kind of remarkable. But I stuck with it, and now I'm proud to report that I've lost a grand total of five pounds, which, if you're really bad at math, is practically 10 percent of my body weight. So take that, dude in the bar that I barely know. Now who's fat!

Oh, it's still me? Crap.

Posted by Jeff on 1/02/2008 12:29:00 AM

As frontrunners in the field of political journalism, it goes without saying that we here at Team Last Call have been anxiously awaiting the official kickoff of the 2008 presidential race.

This month, the fun finally begins with the Iowa caucuses. As per usual, America is looking to Team Last Call to help it separate the good candidates from the bad, to distinguish which ones are virtuous, which are trustworthy and which are Republican.

We decided to tackle this monumental task by interviewing each and every one of 2008's leading candidates. It was the only way we could determine who among them was capable of leading this great nation of ours and who was a bald, bucktoothed, opportunistic 9/11-milker.

Unfortunately, none of them were available. But someone else was: Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist and perennial presidential candidate Dave Barry.

To this point, Mr. Barry's bid for presidency hasn't received much media coverage, due in part to the fact that he hasn't raised any money, participated in any debates or picked what we in the industry call a "political party." Despite that fact, Barry's campaign seems to be doing remarkably well. In fact, he claims to be currently leading every single presidential poll by a wide margin, a phenomenon that has somehow gone unnoticed by the media – until now.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the hope of tomorrow, the voice of the people, the single-most important fake candidate in the 2008 presidential elections, Mr. Dave Barry.


Team Last Call: All serious presidential candidates have a "platform." What sort of platform do you have, and where did you get it?
Dave Barry: I got it from the American people, with whom I agree about everything.

TLC: Would you say that you're more Republican-y or Democrat-ish?
DB: Yes.

TLC: What is your greatest strength as a candidate?
DB: I can make really funny noises with my armpit.

TLC: What do you think is your biggest flaw?
DB: I am too modest, considering that I am way smarter than everybody else.

TLC: Why hasn't the mainstream media picked up on the fact that you're leading in virtually every poll?
DB: I'm sure they have a legitimate reason, such as heroin addiction.

TLC: Do you have any skeletons in your closet that could damage your chances to win the presidency?
DB: Those were consenting skeletons.

TLC: Do you think your good looks will come into play during the upcoming election? How about Hilary's?
DB: How about Hilary's what?

TLC: Are you worried at all about being "Swift Boated" by another candidate?
DB: That was a consenting boat.

TLC: You might end up being the first president in U.S. history to make the Internets a major part of your administration. How did you first learn about the Interwebs, and how long did it take you to master them?
DB: Once I found out about the whaddycallems, tubes, it was a piece of cake.

TLC: As President of the United States, do you plan on learning how to pronounce the word "nuclear?"
DB: This will be my highest priority.

TLC: I've noticed that you have very many "highest priorities." Of these highest priorities, which do you think is the highest-est?
DB: I agree with the American people.

TLC: I would be very interested in hearing your thoughts on the issue of illegal immigration.
DB: So would I!

TLC: Global warming – real-life crisis or left-wing conspiracy?
DB: Yes.

TLC: Americans are the fattest people in the world. Respond.
DB: Are you going to finish that?

TLC: Studies show that many American teenagers are unable to locate the United States on a map. How do you plan on fixing this national epidemic?
DB: We need to stop putting all these confusing foreign countries on the map.

TLC: I strongly dislike cilantro. As president, how would you go about officially making this an illegal substance?
DB: I am so with you on this. I can't believe people deliberately put that stuff into food. Why not just add a dash of rat doots while you're at it? The thing is, if we make cilantro illegal, we will immediately create a smuggling industry that will enable criminals to make billions of dollars. So we would want a piece of that.

TLC: If elected President, you would probably have the power to create an official sixth food group. What would that group be, and why?
DB: Ginger.

TLC: Scarlett Johannson never returns my calls. What do you, as president, intend to do about this?
DB: I will meet with her personally.

TLC: What can I, as a Barry supporter, do to help you win the presidency?
DB: You can (send money) tell your friends (to send money).


The preceding interview was conducted on Dave Barry's online political forum at www.realcities.com/mld/realcities/news/politics/qa_forum.html. Questions and answers are reprinted with the express-written consent of Mr. Barry himself, who, as far as you know, is a huge fan of our column.