As frontrunners in the field of political journalism, it goes without saying that we here at Team Last Call have been anxiously awaiting the official kickoff of the 2008 presidential race.
This month, the fun finally begins with the Iowa caucuses. As per usual, America is looking to Team Last Call to help it separate the good candidates from the bad, to distinguish which ones are virtuous, which are trustworthy and which are Republican.
We decided to tackle this monumental task by interviewing each and every one of 2008's leading candidates. It was the only way we could determine who among them was capable of leading this great nation of ours and who was a bald, bucktoothed, opportunistic 9/11-milker.
Unfortunately, none of them were available. But someone else was: Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist and perennial presidential candidate Dave Barry.
To this point, Mr. Barry's bid for presidency hasn't received much media coverage, due in part to the fact that he hasn't raised any money, participated in any debates or picked what we in the industry call a "political party." Despite that fact, Barry's campaign seems to be doing remarkably well. In fact, he claims to be currently leading every single presidential poll by a wide margin, a phenomenon that has somehow gone unnoticed by the media – until now.
Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the hope of tomorrow, the voice of the people, the single-most important fake candidate in the 2008 presidential elections, Mr. Dave Barry.
Team Last Call: All serious presidential candidates have a "platform." What sort of platform do you have, and where did you get it?
Dave Barry: I got it from the American people, with whom I agree about everything.
TLC: Would you say that you're more Republican-y or Democrat-ish?
DB: Yes.
TLC: What is your greatest strength as a candidate?
DB: I can make really funny noises with my armpit.
TLC: What do you think is your biggest flaw?
DB: I am too modest, considering that I am way smarter than everybody else.
TLC: Why hasn't the mainstream media picked up on the fact that you're leading in virtually every poll?
DB: I'm sure they have a legitimate reason, such as heroin addiction.
TLC: Do you have any skeletons in your closet that could damage your chances to win the presidency?
DB: Those were consenting skeletons.
TLC: Do you think your good looks will come into play during the upcoming election? How about Hilary's?
DB: How about Hilary's what?
TLC: Are you worried at all about being "Swift Boated" by another candidate?
DB: That was a consenting boat.
TLC: You might end up being the first president in U.S. history to make the Internets a major part of your administration. How did you first learn about the Interwebs, and how long did it take you to master them?
DB: Once I found out about the whaddycallems, tubes, it was a piece of cake.
TLC: As President of the United States, do you plan on learning how to pronounce the word "nuclear?"
DB: This will be my highest priority.
TLC: I've noticed that you have very many "highest priorities." Of these highest priorities, which do you think is the highest-est?
DB: I agree with the American people.
TLC: I would be very interested in hearing your thoughts on the issue of illegal immigration.
DB: So would I!
TLC: Global warming – real-life crisis or left-wing conspiracy?
DB: Yes.
TLC: Americans are the fattest people in the world. Respond.
DB: Are you going to finish that?
TLC: Studies show that many American teenagers are unable to locate the United States on a map. How do you plan on fixing this national epidemic?
DB: We need to stop putting all these confusing foreign countries on the map.
TLC: I strongly dislike cilantro. As president, how would you go about officially making this an illegal substance?
DB: I am so with you on this. I can't believe people deliberately put that stuff into food. Why not just add a dash of rat doots while you're at it? The thing is, if we make cilantro illegal, we will immediately create a smuggling industry that will enable criminals to make billions of dollars. So we would want a piece of that.
TLC: If elected President, you would probably have the power to create an official sixth food group. What would that group be, and why?
DB: Ginger.
TLC: Scarlett Johannson never returns my calls. What do you, as president, intend to do about this?
DB: I will meet with her personally.
TLC: What can I, as a Barry supporter, do to help you win the presidency?
DB: You can (send money) tell your friends (to send money).
The preceding interview was conducted on Dave Barry's online political forum at www.realcities.com/mld/realcities/news/politics/qa_forum.html. Questions and answers are reprinted with the express-written consent of Mr. Barry himself, who, as far as you know, is a huge fan of our column.
This month, the fun finally begins with the Iowa caucuses. As per usual, America is looking to Team Last Call to help it separate the good candidates from the bad, to distinguish which ones are virtuous, which are trustworthy and which are Republican.
We decided to tackle this monumental task by interviewing each and every one of 2008's leading candidates. It was the only way we could determine who among them was capable of leading this great nation of ours and who was a bald, bucktoothed, opportunistic 9/11-milker.
Unfortunately, none of them were available. But someone else was: Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist and perennial presidential candidate Dave Barry.
To this point, Mr. Barry's bid for presidency hasn't received much media coverage, due in part to the fact that he hasn't raised any money, participated in any debates or picked what we in the industry call a "political party." Despite that fact, Barry's campaign seems to be doing remarkably well. In fact, he claims to be currently leading every single presidential poll by a wide margin, a phenomenon that has somehow gone unnoticed by the media – until now.
Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the hope of tomorrow, the voice of the people, the single-most important fake candidate in the 2008 presidential elections, Mr. Dave Barry.
Team Last Call: All serious presidential candidates have a "platform." What sort of platform do you have, and where did you get it?
Dave Barry: I got it from the American people, with whom I agree about everything.
TLC: Would you say that you're more Republican-y or Democrat-ish?
DB: Yes.
TLC: What is your greatest strength as a candidate?
DB: I can make really funny noises with my armpit.
TLC: What do you think is your biggest flaw?
DB: I am too modest, considering that I am way smarter than everybody else.
TLC: Why hasn't the mainstream media picked up on the fact that you're leading in virtually every poll?
DB: I'm sure they have a legitimate reason, such as heroin addiction.
TLC: Do you have any skeletons in your closet that could damage your chances to win the presidency?
DB: Those were consenting skeletons.
TLC: Do you think your good looks will come into play during the upcoming election? How about Hilary's?
DB: How about Hilary's what?
TLC: Are you worried at all about being "Swift Boated" by another candidate?
DB: That was a consenting boat.
TLC: You might end up being the first president in U.S. history to make the Internets a major part of your administration. How did you first learn about the Interwebs, and how long did it take you to master them?
DB: Once I found out about the whaddycallems, tubes, it was a piece of cake.
TLC: As President of the United States, do you plan on learning how to pronounce the word "nuclear?"
DB: This will be my highest priority.
TLC: I've noticed that you have very many "highest priorities." Of these highest priorities, which do you think is the highest-est?
DB: I agree with the American people.
TLC: I would be very interested in hearing your thoughts on the issue of illegal immigration.
DB: So would I!
TLC: Global warming – real-life crisis or left-wing conspiracy?
DB: Yes.
TLC: Americans are the fattest people in the world. Respond.
DB: Are you going to finish that?
TLC: Studies show that many American teenagers are unable to locate the United States on a map. How do you plan on fixing this national epidemic?
DB: We need to stop putting all these confusing foreign countries on the map.
TLC: I strongly dislike cilantro. As president, how would you go about officially making this an illegal substance?
DB: I am so with you on this. I can't believe people deliberately put that stuff into food. Why not just add a dash of rat doots while you're at it? The thing is, if we make cilantro illegal, we will immediately create a smuggling industry that will enable criminals to make billions of dollars. So we would want a piece of that.
TLC: If elected President, you would probably have the power to create an official sixth food group. What would that group be, and why?
DB: Ginger.
TLC: Scarlett Johannson never returns my calls. What do you, as president, intend to do about this?
DB: I will meet with her personally.
TLC: What can I, as a Barry supporter, do to help you win the presidency?
DB: You can (send money) tell your friends (to send money).
The preceding interview was conducted on Dave Barry's online political forum at www.realcities.com/mld/realcities/news/politics/qa_forum.html. Questions and answers are reprinted with the express-written consent of Mr. Barry himself, who, as far as you know, is a huge fan of our column.
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