Today we are here to say that we were wrong, and we're not just saying that because Dr. Pepper stubbornly refused to mail us a free case after our article came out.
Just kidding. Of course that's why we're saying it.
The problem is that Dr. Pepper has completely failed to grasp the fundamentals of the journalism business, in which Team Last Call is clearly a frontrunner. See, we in the journalism field don't really make what people on Wall Street refer to as "money." Because of that, we are forced to live almost exclusively on free handouts from the companies we write about. Otherwise, like, why would we write about them?
Speaking of which, don't you think that Krispy Kreme doughnuts are the best doughnuts ever created in the history of all doughnuts everywhere? We sure do. If we could, we here at Team Last Call (
That's not to say that companies should be shy about sending free handouts before an article is written. The formula works just as well in reverse: the more willing you are to give out freebies, the more willing we journalists are to write about you. Which explains why Paris Hilton gets so much press. (Nice one!)
Here's an example of journalism in action: A few years ago, Team Last Call dedicated an article to its favorite lunchtime treat, the pineapple chicken wrap. Within a few weeks, an enormous platter of pineapple chicken wraps was delivered straight to our door, free of charge, courtesy of a completely anonymous source (Sandwich Factory). Team Last Call was exceedingly grateful for the kind gesture, and would like to take this time to reiterate that our favorite lunchtime treat is still the pineapple chicken wrap. If anything, it's gotten even more delicious over the years. Just thinking about eating (a free) one right now is making us drool.
That's what we call teamwork, people.
You would think that by this point a corporation as big as Dr. Pepper would know how to play "the game." It's not like we're asking for any kind of special treatment. These are universal rules that every journalist plays by, which explains why Bill O'Reilly spends so much time doing news segments on adult diapers. Or maybe he doesn't. We don't really know. But he probably should, because it would save him a lot of money.
Anyway, this whole situation is a real shame, because Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream Soda had a lot going for it, including an especially long name that really helped with our word count. But we're afraid we've been left with no choice. Dr. Pepper has violated a sacred trust, and for that reason, we are officially stripping Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream of its title as the "greatest beverage ever in the history of planet earth."
Look at it cover its face in shame! That's what you get, Dr. Pooper!
But there is a silver lining to this whole situation. We are pleased to announce that, once we recovered from Dr. Pepper's disgusting show of insolence, we discovered a new "greatest beverage ever in the history of planet earth," one that not only has a great taste, but, we're assuming, is willing to send us free stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you: Glacéau VitaminWater Endurance (Peach-Mango).
Like Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream, Glacéau VitaminWater Endurance (Peach-Mango) has a long name that helps us reach our word count much faster, especially if we keep repeating its name, which is Glacéau VitaminWater Endurance (Peach-Mango).
It also has a delicious flavor that we can't quite put our finger on. It tastes like peach, but at the same time, it somehow tastes like mango. It's like some kind of space-age mango/peach hybrid, like something Captain Kirk would find on the planet Meach in the distant galaxy Pango.
Glacéau VitaminWater Endurance (Peach-Mango) also has six totally different vitamins, which do lots of good, vitaminy things to your body. Dr. Pepper, on the other hand, has aspartame, which has been proven to cause – among other things – diarrhea, hair loss, hives, memory loss, nausea, hearing loss, tremors and death. And stinginess.
Clearly, Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream has met its match. Not only does Glacéau VitaminWater Endurance (Peach-Mango) have a long name, a futuristic taste and an abundance of vitamins, but it totally doesn't give you the runs. Or hives. Or death.
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