TEAM LAST CALL

Anyone who's ever read a Last Call column knows two things for sure about Team Last Call.

One, we lie almost constantly. And two, we are complete experts on the subject of women.

With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, we thought it would be a good time to share some of our wisdom with you, the reader, so that you can be better prepared to woo your woman. That way, maybe she'll stop trying to make out with us all the time.

Several key skills are required in order to conduct a proper wooing. First of all, you have to be able to understand your woman. I mean this literally, because sometimes they talk very high and very fast and use phrases like "control-top" and "trans-fats" that we don't understand.

For that reason, we've prepared Team Last Call's Pocket Dictionary for Womanspeak. Because it doesn't do either of you any good if you can't understand what she's yelling at you about.

1. "Are you cold?" = I'm cold.

2. "Is that cake good?" = Give me some of your cake.

3. "Were you going to take the trash out tonight?" = Take the trash out.

4. "Did you mean to turn there?" = You just missed our exit. Idiot.

5. "I got this shirt on sale!" = I bought three other shirts that definitely were not on sale.

6. "Happy birthday!" = This tie will go perfectly with the new dress I'm hiding from you.

7. "Do you think I'm getting fat?" = Tell me I'm skinny or I will cry and go on a shopping spree.

Likewise, it's important for your woman to understand what you are saying, or she'll never stop standing in front of the TV. That's why we've also prepared Team Last Call's Pocket Dictionary for Manspeak. Feel free to clip this out and give it to her for Valentine's Day.

"Hello." = Let's have sex.

"Hi." = Let's have sex.

"My name is [insert name here]." = Let's have sex.

"The sky is blue." = Let's have sex.

"I stepped in gum." = Let's have sex.

And so on.

But here's the bad news: A proper wooing requires that you not only listen to your woman1, but respond in a thoughtful manner that shows you've been paying attention. This is a problem because, of course, you haven't. The solution here is to lie. Lie with everything you've got. If she catches you daydreaming, which you were, tell her that you're sorry, and that you were busy thinking about what you were going to get her for her birthday. Or tell her that you were trying to remember if you'd ever seen her looking so beautiful. Fake a heart attack if you have to. Or pretend to choke on your steak. Anything that will take the focus off of the fact that, when it comes to communication, you are retarded.

Men are just not natural talkers. We can have entire nights out with the guys without even making a sound. Not with our mouths, anyway. And when we do have something to say, it's usually some variation of "Dude, smell that!"

If women have one collective character flaw, it is their inability to understand the humor in flatulence. Because of this flaw, it is sometimes hard for men and women to relate. In order to help close the gap a little, Team Last Call just farted. Just kidding. We actually sat down and conducted hours of painstaking research on a number of professional websites2 in order to learn what women really want from men Other than a paycheck. Ha ha ha ha!3

Unfortunately, the only conclusive findings we had were that Jessica Alba is really hot.

So we decided to turn to our friends instead in order to unlock the secrets of what women really want!4 The way we figure it, men can't all be wrong all of the time, so some of these answers have to actually be true.

First of all, all women want to feel beautiful. Making a woman feel attractive can be accomplished in a number of ways, including, but not limited to, grabbing at her breasts every time she comes within striking distance. They love that!

Secondly – and this is one I got directly from my wife – women want a man who … um … uh … something about listening. I forget. The game was on.

Thirdly, women love cute things. And also small things. Combine those two factors, and you can come up with a seriously romantic gift that is sure to sweep her off her feet, like a little stuffed animal, or Ryan Seacrest.

Fourthly, if that's even a word, women love pet names. Rule number one for pet names is the more syllables, the better. Another proven technique is using the name of a cute animal that starts with the same letter as your woman's. For example, "Patty" can be your "little platypus," while "Beth" can be your "sweet baby bobcat." Another good strategy is to replace the first letter of her name with a "w" and repeat until you achieve the desired effect.

In general, one repetition – "Sara-wara" – should do the trick if you're trying to get out of the house for a night with the guys. However, if that night involves strippers, you're going to need to tack on an extra "wara." In the situation that the night falls on a major holiday, three or more "waras" are advised.

And that's just about everything you need to know in order to properly woo your woman this month. Go get her, tiger!


1 Not valid during the Super Bowl.
2 victoriassecret.com
3 Women love this joke.
4 By "unlock the secrets," we mean "make guesses about."