TEAM LAST CALL

The world is facing many crises theses days, from the economic recession to the trouble in Gaza to oh my god did you hear that Lindsey Lohan broke up with her girlfriend?

But none of those crises – at least as far as our local TV channels are concerned – is quite as monumental as the switch to digital TV, which, unless you’ve spent the past year in a coma or are currently dead, you already know happens on February 17.

The reason you know that is because, approximately every 30 seconds, a very loud person comes on the TV to tell you in a very loud voice that you need to purchase and install a digital converter box right now before the entire world collapses into a deep, dark void of penetrating nothingness for all time. Other consequences of failing to install a converter box prior to the 17th include, but aren’t limited to, oral herpes, certain death and, worst of all, not having TV. I also read somewhere that they’re going to start killing a baby bunny every hour, on the hour, until every last household in America has digital TV, although I haven’t been able to double-source it. Then again, I did read it on Wikipedia, so it’s probably not true anyway. Then again, I’m the one who posted it on Wikipedia, so it’s definitely not true (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Digital_television).

It’s become increasingly clear to me that history will show the switch to digital TV to be the great challenge of our time. Sure, the war on terror is “important.” And global warming might “kill all life on planet Earth,” blah, blah, blah. Ooh, we’re so scared, global warming! Frankly, here in the age of digital TV, those issues have become peripheral at best.

AIDS and poverty already had their day in the sun. World peace is so 2008. We as a society are not going to be judged by how we handle some trivial issue of a bygone era. Our greatness will be determined by how we join together and rise up in 2009 to destroy all obstacles in our path – no matter how many human lives it costs – in order to ensure that every last man, woman and child on Earth has free and easy access to Dr. Phil.

It’s OK to be scared. It’s not every day that the world faces a crisis that makes the bubonic plague look like a case of the sniffles. And no one likes to see baby bunnies die, no matter how necessary it may be. But it’s imperative that we step up to the challenge. Do you think Neil Armstrong wasn’t afraid to take that first step on the moon? Do you think Ghandi wasn’t afraid when he resisted the British Empire? Do you think Aragorn wasn’t afraid to lead his dwindling army on a march against the Black Gate of Mordor in order to distract Sauron and his army of Uruk-hai so that Sam and Frodo could destroy the Ring of Power in the fires of Mount Doom?

Of course they were scared. What matters is that they pushed through the fear, and helped to make Earth, not to mention Middle Earth, a better place.

You might be wondering, “How can you compare the act of buying a converter box to the work of Ghandi, let alone Aragorn?”

Before you get all worked up, just take a moment to imagine a life without TV. I mean, think about it: No Sean Hannity. No NASCAR. No The Hills. No Deal Or No Deal. Yikes, right? A world without the wit and wisdom of Howie Mandel is no world for me.

In conclusion, Ghandi might have helped a nation gain its independence, but we are the ones who will ensure that, for generations to come, everyone still gets to watch every single episode of America’s Got Talent. Did you see the Rappin’ Granny? Oh, priceless!

Granted, there are a few drawbacks to digital TV, including the need to buy the converter box, and possibly a new antenna, plus a new TV. And the signal is all-or-nothing, so if there is any interference at all, all you get is a blue screen – but you can always just pretend that they zoomed in really, really close on a Smurf. That’s called making lemonade.

But clearly the negatives of digital TV are far outweighed by the catastrophic consequences if you don’t get it, which also include asphyxia, soreness and elephantiasis of the testicles. And yet, millions of Americans still haven’t gotten their converter boxes, so many that in early February – right after karma makes the Steelers lose the Super Bowl because their fans are dirty, awful, fat-faced traitors – congress might vote to push back the digital TV deadline to June 14.

America is playing with fire. It’s up to you and me to push this country forward, to fulfill the dreams of our forefathers, to fight and bleed and die under the proud flag of 24-hour Rock of Love marathons. Now, go get that converter box. If you don’t do it for yourself, for the love of God, do it for the bunnies.