TEAM LAST CALL

January is a time of hope, a time of new beginnings. It’s a time to reflect on the previous year – the lessons you learned, the friends you made, the memories you created. It’s also a time to think about how big your ass has gotten.

That’s right, it’s resolution time, that special time of year when we stop to take a hard look at our lives and realize that we are terrible, terrible people. Each year we tell ourselves that we’re going to turn our lives around. This is the year we’re going to start exercising. This is the year we’ll finally get around to scooping out the litterbox. This is the year we’re going to quit smoking once and for all. Or at least for a week. Whichever comes first.

Team Last Call thought long and hard about what kind of resolutions we should make for 2006. Yet despite our best efforts, we were unable to come up with a single thing. We live a relatively clean life. We have good manners. We wear really fashionable corduroy jackets. And let’s face it, we’re cute as a button. There just really isn’t much to improve upon.

So what we decided to do instead is to make a list of resolutions for other people. That way, we can still do our part this year to make the world a better place. And let’s be honest – you and your love handles could use the help.

It is Team Last Call’s hope that everyone can approach this column with the right attitude, which is the attitude of “Team Last Call is always right.” It’s not our aim to offend anyone. We hope we don’t come across as being judgmental or anything. It’s just that you have really bad taste, and we’d like to help fix it.

Resolution one: Get rid of your Hummer. As Team Last Call has touched on so many times before, driving a Hummer is for turds. If you don’t want everyone to think you’re a turd, then don’t drive a Hummer. It’s that simple. Turd.

Resolution two: On another car-related note, it’s time to take the silly spinning rims off of your wheels. Nobody thinks they’re cool but the guy who sold them to you, and that’s just because he works on commission. Surely there is some better way you could put that $2,000 to use. Like by feeding the poor, for example. Or by donating the money to the Women & Babies Hospital. Unless you hate babies. It’s OK if you do. If that’s the case, just leave the rims on. That way we’ll know for sure.

Resolution three: No more high-fiving in public. High-fiving is something that frat boys do after one of them lights a fart. It’s cheesy and primitive, and usually means that you were born with the mutant chromosome that makes you wear your hat backwards and listen to rap-metal. So basically, you need to find a new way to express your happiness. However, in the event that a high-five becomes unavoidable (ie. you just made out with Eva Longoria), under no circumstances are you to attempt a high-ten, which is never OK.

Resolution four: Listen to better music. As I write this, the number one album in the country belongs to Nickelback. Do you have any idea how disturbing that is? That’s like giving Vin Diesel an Oscar for Best Actor, or electing a ham sandwich as the next president of the United States. Actually, that might be an improvement … But anyway, we’ve really got to raise the bar a little bit when it comes to the albums that we Americans are buying. One good rule of thumb is that if the music is really, really terrible, you shouldn’t listen to it.

Resolution five: Stop having sex with Paris Hilton. If you’re one of the many, many people who have slept with the hotel heiress – and statistics show that most of you are – it’s time to stop. If we all work together to keep Paris from having sex, thereby cutting off her only real contribution to society, then maybe, just maybe, people will stop caring about her and she’ll finally go away. Together we can make a difference.

Resolution six: Stop putting chairs in the street to save your parking space when it snows. Not only is this obnoxious, but I can only throw your lawn chair up into a tree so many times before my arm gets sore.

Resolution seven: Stop watching NASCAR. I’m sorry, I know everyone’s entitled to the pursuit of happiness, but I think there should be a legal limit on how excited you’re allowed to get by watching cars drive in circles. If it’s the circular pattern that attracts you, you can bring a six-pack of Natural Ice over to my house and watch my dryer spin. I’ll only charge you five bucks, and you won’t even need earplugs.

Resolution eight: Clean up you’re grammar. Nothing gets under an English major’s skin more than when you don’t talk good. It’s real annoying. Plus, I’m sick of other countries saying us Americans aren’t edumacated. I mean, if we’re so dumb, then how come we got more bombs than you? Now who’s the dumb ones? You’s guys, that’s who.

Resolution nine: Stop going to wet T-shirt contests. These contests are tacky and sad and are like a breeding ground for high-fives, which were clearly outlawed in resolution three (see above). Plus, once you sober up, you’ll realize that most of the women who compete have mullets and horse teeth. Which is hopefully the meanest things I’ll say all year.

And finally, resolution ten: Read our Last Call column at least once a day. Four out of five doctors agree that not only can Last Call help to reduce the risk of heart disease, but it is also an effective treatment for STDs, which you’ll need after your little tryst with Paris Hilton. Also, tests have shown that reading our competitors’ columns results in the growth of excessive back hair. As much as we hate to say anything negative about our fellow journalists, we feel like you have a right to know.

Well, that’s about all the resolutions we’ve got time for. Drop us a line and let us know how your new lifestyle is working out. Good luck.