TEAM LAST CALL

A year ago I wrote a column about Hummers and the people who drive them – a group that scientific studies have shown is comprised of irritable, rich white men who are about as blessed below the belt as Kermit the Frog.

Over time, I’ve realized that the article didn’t quite have the global impact I was hoping for. It seems like more and more of these weenie-mobiles are popping up each week, clogging up our streets, polluting our environment and otherwise serving as a constant reminder of why the rest of the world thinks that America is the devil.

In fact, the Hummer company is currently gearing up for the debut of the H3 this spring, meaning that Hummer lovers the world over will soon have yet another vehicle in which to boldly display their giant protruding brows.

Apparently, my primary message – that Hummers are obnoxious and dangerous and make much more of a statement about what’s in your pants than what’s in your wallet – didn’t really sink in.

But maybe the fault is mine. Maybe I should have taken a more diplomatic approach to my first Hummer article. Perhaps I should have spent a little more time on the bigger issues and less time making references to Hummer owners’ teensy little genitalia. Because it’s not their fault that they’re like a Ken Doll from the waist down.

So I’m giving it another shot, but this time around I’m going to be much more open-minded about it. This time, I’ll try putting myself into the Hummer owners’ shoes. I mean, if I were rich and unfulfilled and self-obsessed and very, very impotent, I’d probably want to buy a Hummer too, and I’m sure I wouldn’t appreciate it when some snot-nosed journalist tried to make suggestions about how I could have put that $120,000 to better use. It’s my money, and I can spend it any way I choose. If the tsunami victims need money so badly, let them go out and do an honest day’s work for once and stop waiting around for handouts from hard-working Americans like me.

Yep, this time around I’m determined to take a much more balanced approach. You won’t see me making any rash statements like, “Nine out of 10 Hummer owners are bed-wetters,” no matter how true they may be. Nope, this time I’m going to keep it clean. I’m calling it quits on the silly generalizations, like, “All Hummer drivers are addicted to Viagra.” So just know that you’re not going to be seeing any more immature commentary from this writer. Like, “Statistics show that Hummer drivers like to prance around in their wives’ underwear when no one’s around” -– that’s another example of something you won’t see here.

In the spirit of fairness, we’re going to weigh the arguments for and against Hummers with complete objectivity, so that you, the reader, can judge for yourself who is right and who is a selfish, stupid Hummer driver.

Let’s begin with a look at the top reasons why someone should go out and buy a Hummer.

1. Because you never know when the local supermarket might decide to replace its speed bumps with six-foot dirt piles

2. Because your “What Would Satan Do?” bracelet tells you to

3. Because you’ll be in the company of several top celebrities who endorse Hummers, including Mike Tyson and MC Hammer!

4. Because under Bush’s Economic Stimulus Plan, business owners who purchase vehicles weighing over 6,000 pounds receive a $100,000 tax break. No Hummer left behind!

5. Because you’re a rugged individualist who will use your Hummer to navigate lots of challenging off-road courses just as soon as you drop the kids off at soccer practice, diversify your stock portfolio, get porcelain veneers and play a quick nine at the country club

6. Because if there’s one thing you hate, it’s the environment

7. Because you’re helping to teach poor people everywhere a valuable lesson about how good life can be if you’re hard-working and ambitious and white and have rich parents

8. Because they make you terrorism-proof!

9. Because you always survive car crashes, and the people in the other car were going to die someday anyway

10. Because you are the freaking devil

Now, let’s examine some of the reasons why someone might not want to drive a Hummer.

1. Because everyone hates people who drive Hummers

2. Because it’s a lot easier to just tape a sign on your back that says, “My winkie is very, very small.”

3. Because of that whole “war in Iraq” thing

4. Because of their massive size, Hummers are exempt from meeting any emission standards, and consequently emit over three times more carbon dioxide than the average car. Oops!

5. Because it’s a lot cheaper to just stuff some socks down your pants

6. Because you could take the $120,000 you spent on your Hummer – plus all of the money you dump into your 8-mile-per-gallon tank – and give it to an orphanage. Unless you hate orphans or something.

7. Because we’re all laughing at you, and our stomachs hurt

8. Because one day we might run out of wildlife reserves to plunder for oil

9. Because I’ll never stop carving “butthead” into your paint

10. Because people who drive Hummers can’t get into heaven

Thus concludes our objective study on the pros and cons of purchasing a Hummer. I’d like to take this time to thank the many research assistants, fact-checkers and proofreaders on “Team Last Call,” without whom I never would have been able to produce an article of such integrity, uncompromised vision and absolute factual accuracy.

As for you, the reader, the gauntlet has been thrown. You have been equipped with the facts, and now you must decide for yourself which path you will walk – the way of truth and light, or the way that leads to me lighting a bag of dog poop on fire on your front porch. Good luck.