TEAM LAST CALL

I can remember waking early in the morning, creeping down the stairs, and gathering round the Thanksgiving tree with my family to hear my father recite the Thanksgiving story.

This year, I thought it’d be a nice display of unity for all of us to hear the Thanksgiving story together. Feel free to recite the story along with me.

Now then, put on your pilgrim bonnet, and let’s begin.

Four score and seven years ago, an explorer named Christopher Columbus was commissioned by the queen of Spain to set sail on a great adventure in search of undiscovered lands. Under Columbus’ command were five great ships, including the Titanic, the Pinta, the Niña, the Piña Colada, and the Queen Amidala.

Columbus gathered up all of the animals two by two and loaded them into the boat, checking his list for who was naughty and nice. After dumping all of the tea overboard, the conquistadors strapped on their safety harnesses (“Safety first!” Columbus always said) and launched their voyage.

For 40 days and 40 nights, the explorers sailed the dangerous seas, suffering hardships like hunger, exhaustion, and terrible cell-phone reception.

Tragedy first struck the intrepid adventurers when, a week into the voyage, the captain of the Titanic mistook a bathing Anna Nicole Smith for an uncharted island and steered the vessel right into her. The ship, of course, sank.

“Forsooth!” cried Columbus. “There goes our precious cargo. The unicorns, the gryphons, the chimeras! The trolls, the cyclopses, the decent Creed album! The goblins, the minotaurs, the one guy in history who could actually justify driving a Hummer! Gone forever!”

Columbus was overcome with sorrow. His eyes welled up with tears, his eyebrows started twitching, and the corners of his mouth started to quiver in an unsettling manner.

“I think it’s time for another Botox treatment, sir,” said the first mate.

“Ah, yes, you’re right!” Columbus said, scurrying below deck for his appointment.

And it came to pass that, a few weeks later, Columbus spotted an island off to the east.

“Forsooth!” cried Columbus. “I spy an island to the east! Form a search party to explore it.”

“Aye, captain,” said the first mate. “I’ll send out the skipper and his little buddy, and maybe the millionaire and his wife.”

“What about the movie star?”

“Yes, let’s send her, too, as well as the professor and Mary Ann. How long of a journey should they prepare for?”

“Tell them to pack enough for a three-hour tour.”

“A three-hour tour?”

“A three-hour tour.”

The search party was launched on a tiny ship called the Minnow, but just minutes after the ship set sail, ominous clouds filled the sky.

“The weather is starting to get rough!” cried the first mate. “The tiny ship is being tossed!”

“If not for the courage of the fearless crew,” yelled Columbus, “the Minnow would be lost!”

“The Minnow would be lost!” echoed the first mate.

That was the last Columbus and crew saw of the search party. The seven stranded castaways were marooned on the island, not to be rescued until the 1978 reunion special, and then again in 1981, although to a smaller viewing audience.

And it came to pass that, a few weeks later, Columbus spotted land off to the west.

“Forsooth!” cried Columbus. “I spy new land to the west! Let it be called ‘France,’ and let the men be called ‘French,’ and let them develop their own style of bread, fries, and kissing!”

“Um, sir? There’s already a country called France,” said the first mate.

“Oh, right. ... How about ‘America’? Is that taken?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Then ‘America’ it is!”

And there was much laughter and rejoicing.

And it came to pass that Columbus and his entourage were visited by a tribe of natives bearing gifts of turkey, yams, canned cranberry sauce, freedom fries, gold, frankincense, and 500 free weekend minutes coast to coast. Touched by the kind gesture, the explorers decided to kill all of the natives and take the free loot.

“I declare,” bellowed Columbus, “that this day shall henceforth be referred to as Thanksgiving. Let families for generations to come gather together and celebrate our victory by eating three times their body weight in mashed potatoes and making awkward small-talk with distant cousins. Afterwards, let the men fall asleep while watching football and drinking beer while the women stand around in the kitchen and discuss the men’s sexual shortcomings and laugh a lot.”

So it was that the Thanksgiving holiday was invented.

It was during his journey home when Columbus would meet his tragic end, as is so vividly depicted in the famous song, “Columbus Eats Too Many Freedom Fries and Suffers a Heart Attack at Sea and Falls Overboard.” And that, of course, is where we get the famous mnemonic device: “Back in 1844, Columbus sank to the ocean floor.”

And there you have it – the beautiful Thanksgiving story. I think it’s a tale we all need to hear from time to time. And I hate to get on my soapbox here, but I really believe that if Americans today spent a little less time watching reality television and a little more time reflecting on the Thanksgiving holiday, it wouldn’t take long for them to realize that the letters can be rearranged to spell both “this holy vain kid gang” and “Hah! Not livid gay kings!”

Happy Thanksgiving!