I recently came to the conclusion that I was once abducted by aliens.
This realization began last May while I was writing my Last Call column on arachnophobia, which you probably remember reading. What's that? Oh, you're not my mom? Then I'll give a brief recap.
I was first made aware of my abduction in high school, thanks to a certain astronomy teacher of mine. His argument was based on the fact that I suffer from a paralyzing fear of spiders, which he said was a common trait among abduction victims. It's probably worth mentioning that my teacher turned out to be a total nutjob.
He explained to me that the reason I didn't remember being abducted was because the aliens zapped my brain once they were done. This would also help to explain why I thought majoring in English would be a good idea.
But I didn't pay too much attention to my teacher's diagnosis at the time, mostly because he was arrested and jailed a few weeks later for child molestation. Which is inconvenient for me, because child molestation is really, really hard to joke about. Hopefully next time he'll have the courtesy to get arrested for something funnier, like farting nonstop during a court trial.
Which brings us to last May. While researching arachnophobia for my column, I was shocked to discover that what my teacher said all those years ago was true: Most alien abduction victims do have a fear of spiders! Therefore, by applying some simple logic, we can also conclude that most people who are afraid of spiders have been kidnapped by aliens at some point in their lives. For more on this type of logic, visit www.republicans.org.
By that point, I knew I had probably been abducted, but I needed more proof. So once again, I turned to that irrefutable fountain of facts I like to call the Truthnet.
The first irrefutable fact I learned was that, according to www.aliensthetruth.com, abduction victims often suffer from headaches. Get this .. I totally get headaches! Things were really starting to get freaky. But what really sealed the deal for me was the website www.kuro5hin.org, which reports that people who have suffered alien abductions also tend to suffer "fairy abductions and demon attacks," which is totally in line with that time I was kidnapped by Lance Bass and beaten up by Orcs.
I don't mind admitting I'm a little freaked out by the fact that I've been abducted. It's not every day you learn you've been kidnapped by little space men, paralyzed via mental telepathy and, more likely than not, anally probed. I was going to put another joke here, but I think we can all agree that the phrase ..anally probed.. is funny enough.
It was some compensation for me, however, to learn that I'm not alone in my abduction experience. You wouldn't expect this in a place as grounded in science as the Truthnet, but as it turns out, there are many, many online accounts of alien abduction. I even stumbled across a blog at www.iwasabducted.com from a guy who is being tortured by aliens right now! Each day he gives a play-by-play commentary on the various probing he's being subjected to. At least the aliens are nice enough to give him free internet access.
You might be thinking, "Oh my gosh! Maybe I've been abducted by aliens and don't even know it!"
Yes, you probably have. But the only way to know for sure is to take this quick survey.
1. Are you afraid of spiders?
2. Have you ever gotten a headache?
3. Have you ever been to a Star Trek convention?
4. Does it hurt to sit down?
5. Were you ever abducted by aliens?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then I can say with certainty that you have been abducted by aliens at some point during your life. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you.
It gets worse. According to the Truthnet, once someone has been abducted, the chances of a second abduction increase dramatically. Now, I don't know about you, but I personally am not a fan of the anal probe. Or the Ford Probe, for that matter. In fact, I'm pretty much an all-around anti-probe kind of guy. So it goes without saying that I'd like to avoid additional alien abductions as much as possible.
But is a human really capable of preventing an abduction? Is there any way to defend oneself from the aliens' telepathic powers?
Yes, thanks to what might be the single most awesome invention in human history: the Thought Screen Helmet.
While the Thought Screen Helmet may appear to the untrained eye to be little more than a piece of leather with a chinstrap, it is actually a very sophisticated device. According to the website www.stopabductions.com, the helmet is capable of preventing aliens from controlling your mind by both blocking their thoughts and keeping yours safely inside your head. In fact, the site says the Thought Screen Helmet is already credited for stopping several types of aliens from abducting people in America, Australia, Canada, South Africa and the U.K. Amazing!
The website even includes step-by-step instructions for how to create your very own Thought Screen Helmet at home. Basically, all you need is a piece of leather, some anti-static flooring material called Velostat and a chinstrap, and wammo .. you've got yourself one first-rate alien mind-blocker! The Thought Screen Helmet is also a great way to pick up girls. Or at least Paris Hilton, who will be too drunk to notice your hat.
Please understand, I'm not trying to alarm anyone with this column. I'm simply trying to make sure that you, the reader, are mentally and physically prepared if, by which I mean when, you are abducted.
OK, my work is done here. Good luck out there, everyone. Nanoo, nanoo.
This realization began last May while I was writing my Last Call column on arachnophobia, which you probably remember reading. What's that? Oh, you're not my mom? Then I'll give a brief recap.
I was first made aware of my abduction in high school, thanks to a certain astronomy teacher of mine. His argument was based on the fact that I suffer from a paralyzing fear of spiders, which he said was a common trait among abduction victims. It's probably worth mentioning that my teacher turned out to be a total nutjob.
He explained to me that the reason I didn't remember being abducted was because the aliens zapped my brain once they were done. This would also help to explain why I thought majoring in English would be a good idea.
But I didn't pay too much attention to my teacher's diagnosis at the time, mostly because he was arrested and jailed a few weeks later for child molestation. Which is inconvenient for me, because child molestation is really, really hard to joke about. Hopefully next time he'll have the courtesy to get arrested for something funnier, like farting nonstop during a court trial.
Which brings us to last May. While researching arachnophobia for my column, I was shocked to discover that what my teacher said all those years ago was true: Most alien abduction victims do have a fear of spiders! Therefore, by applying some simple logic, we can also conclude that most people who are afraid of spiders have been kidnapped by aliens at some point in their lives. For more on this type of logic, visit www.republicans.org.
By that point, I knew I had probably been abducted, but I needed more proof. So once again, I turned to that irrefutable fountain of facts I like to call the Truthnet.
The first irrefutable fact I learned was that, according to www.aliensthetruth.com, abduction victims often suffer from headaches. Get this .. I totally get headaches! Things were really starting to get freaky. But what really sealed the deal for me was the website www.kuro5hin.org, which reports that people who have suffered alien abductions also tend to suffer "fairy abductions and demon attacks," which is totally in line with that time I was kidnapped by Lance Bass and beaten up by Orcs.
I don't mind admitting I'm a little freaked out by the fact that I've been abducted. It's not every day you learn you've been kidnapped by little space men, paralyzed via mental telepathy and, more likely than not, anally probed. I was going to put another joke here, but I think we can all agree that the phrase ..anally probed.. is funny enough.
It was some compensation for me, however, to learn that I'm not alone in my abduction experience. You wouldn't expect this in a place as grounded in science as the Truthnet, but as it turns out, there are many, many online accounts of alien abduction. I even stumbled across a blog at www.iwasabducted.com from a guy who is being tortured by aliens right now! Each day he gives a play-by-play commentary on the various probing he's being subjected to. At least the aliens are nice enough to give him free internet access.
You might be thinking, "Oh my gosh! Maybe I've been abducted by aliens and don't even know it!"
Yes, you probably have. But the only way to know for sure is to take this quick survey.
1. Are you afraid of spiders?
2. Have you ever gotten a headache?
3. Have you ever been to a Star Trek convention?
4. Does it hurt to sit down?
5. Were you ever abducted by aliens?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then I can say with certainty that you have been abducted by aliens at some point during your life. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you.
It gets worse. According to the Truthnet, once someone has been abducted, the chances of a second abduction increase dramatically. Now, I don't know about you, but I personally am not a fan of the anal probe. Or the Ford Probe, for that matter. In fact, I'm pretty much an all-around anti-probe kind of guy. So it goes without saying that I'd like to avoid additional alien abductions as much as possible.
But is a human really capable of preventing an abduction? Is there any way to defend oneself from the aliens' telepathic powers?
Yes, thanks to what might be the single most awesome invention in human history: the Thought Screen Helmet.
While the Thought Screen Helmet may appear to the untrained eye to be little more than a piece of leather with a chinstrap, it is actually a very sophisticated device. According to the website www.stopabductions.com, the helmet is capable of preventing aliens from controlling your mind by both blocking their thoughts and keeping yours safely inside your head. In fact, the site says the Thought Screen Helmet is already credited for stopping several types of aliens from abducting people in America, Australia, Canada, South Africa and the U.K. Amazing!
The website even includes step-by-step instructions for how to create your very own Thought Screen Helmet at home. Basically, all you need is a piece of leather, some anti-static flooring material called Velostat and a chinstrap, and wammo .. you've got yourself one first-rate alien mind-blocker! The Thought Screen Helmet is also a great way to pick up girls. Or at least Paris Hilton, who will be too drunk to notice your hat.
Please understand, I'm not trying to alarm anyone with this column. I'm simply trying to make sure that you, the reader, are mentally and physically prepared if, by which I mean when, you are abducted.
OK, my work is done here. Good luck out there, everyone. Nanoo, nanoo.
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