TEAM LAST CALL

And so, in an effort to help you, the Last Call reader, avoid certain incarceration, Team Last Call is proud to present Part Two of our hard-hitting exposé on Ridiculous State Laws: Montana through Wyoming.

Breaking a state law is a lot easier than you might think. In fact, you might be inadvertently breaking one right now, jeopardizing the very freedom that so many French fries have been named after.

For example, if you happen to be reading this column in South Bend, Indiana, and a monkey just walked up and sat down on the bench beside you, and without giving it any thought you casually handed the monkey a lighted cigarette, then you, my friend, are in direct violation of Indiana state law.

Don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s a mistake anyone could make. I mean, who among us hasn’t handed a lit cigarette to a monkey from time to time? Team Last Call is just trying to make the point that there are some very wacky laws on the books that most people don’t even know about.

We know what you’re thinking: “Team Last Call is silly! Some of these laws are hundreds of years old! The cops don’t even enforce these laws anymore!” Go ahead. Laugh all you want. Just don’t expect Team Last Call to come bail you out the next time you’re arrested in Boise, Idaho for fishing while perched on a giraffe’s back.

Before we get started, Team Last Call would like to respond to a few fan letters that came in last month: Yes, all of the state laws we’re writing about are real. No, we didn’t make any of them up. And yes, we are serious about the promise we made to stop making fun of people who drive Hummers, regardless of the fact that their short tempers and Yoda-sized genitalia make them an easy target.

And now, to the laws:

Apparently, in Montana, it is illegal to leave a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. Sheep get lonely too.

In Hastings, Nebraska, hotel owners are required by law to provide each guest with a clean, white cotton nightshirt. It’s also written that no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

If somebody shoots your dog in the state of Nevada, the law makes it totally OK for you to hang that person.

Please try to remember that when you’re in New Hampshire, it is completely illegal to ride a camel on the highway.

If you’re in New Jersey, please note that it’s illegal to slurp soup. There is also a law that makes it illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing a murder. So please, if you’ve got to kill someone, take off the vest first.

Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public in New Mexico.

In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is death. Well, yeah.

It’s actually against the law to sing off key in North Carolina. Also, the state asks that you refrain from using elephants to plough your cotton fields.

In North Dakota, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Native American on horseback, provided that you are in a covered wagon at the time.

If you happen to misplace your pet tiger while in Canton, Ohio, be aware that you have just one hour to alert the authorities. Also, please note that you may not parade your goose down Main Street in the town of McDonald. And in Toledo, throwing a snake at another person is frowned upon.

In Oklahoma, violators can be arrested for making ugly faces at a dog.

In Hood River, Oregon, it is illegal to juggle without a license. And in Myrtle Creek, there is a law prohibiting a man from boxing a kangaroo.

Pennsylvania also has its share of weirdo laws. Did you know, for example, that it is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors? Also, you may not sing in the bathtub. And in Danville, it has been decreed that all fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. Think about it.

In Rhode Island, it is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

The state of South Carolina would like you to know that horses may not be kept in bathtubs.

In South Dakota, if there are more than five Native Americans on your property, it is legal for you to shoot them. Note to Native Americans: Never vacation in the Dakotas.

It is illegal in Tennessee to use a lasso to catch fish. And in Memphis, it is illegal to give pie to fellow diners. However, it’s perfectly lawful to gather and consume road kill.

In Texas, it is against the law to milk another person’s cow. In the town of Kingsville, there is a law against two pigs having sex at the airport. And another thing you should know when you’re in Texas: While it’s legal for a chicken to have sex with you, it is not legal for you to reciprocate. No matter how much it might hurt your chicken’s feelings.

A husband is responsible for every criminal act his wife commits in his presence in the state of Utah.

In Vermont, it is against the law to whistle underwater. It’s also really, really hard.

In Virginia, women are required by law to wear a corset after sundown.

Here’s a good one: All lollipops are legally banned in the state of Washington. Also, if you’re in the town of Wilbur, you can be arrested for riding an ugly horse. And in Seattle, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon longer than six feet. Like a cannon, for example.

On a positive note, in West Virginia, it is perfectly legal for a man to have sex with an animal, provided that the animal does not exceed 40 pounds. Er …

The town of St. Croix, Wisconsin, prohibits women from wearing anything red in public.

And finally, if you’re vacationing in Cheyenne, Wyoming, please be aware that it is illegal to take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.

Well, that’s all the weird laws we could dig up. If you know of more, just jot them down on a postcard and send it to: Team Last Call, c/o Pennsylvania State Penitentiary, cell block six …