TEAM LAST CALL

First of all, no one can prove that I skipped a day of work just so I could see The Watchmen on opening day. And there’s no concrete evidence that I’ve seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy dozens upon dozens of times and/or can speak entire sentences in Elvish. Or that I know my Elven name is Fëanáro Pallanén.
It’s no secret, however, that I have certain tendencies, tendencies that make me go absolutely bat-poop crazy for things like wizards and spaceships and costumed crimefighters.
All of which explains why my head almost exploded when I heard about Shadow Hare, a real-life Watchman who made national news on CNN and TMZ in April after he broke up an attempted assault in Cincinnati. Dressed head-to-toe in a black and gray spandex suit, the 21-year-old Shadow Hare, with one brazen hop, put the word “superhero” right back into our daily lexicon.
I had no choice but to investigate. I started with what might be my new favorite website in the world, the World Superhero Registry (www.worldsuperheroregistry.com), which is run by a part-time hero from Phoenix named Kevlex. As its name suggests, the site serves as a catalog of the world’s active crimefighters, or at least those who satisfy the three superhero prerequisites: 1) they’ve got a costume, 2) they’ve performed documented heroic deeds and 3) they’re motivated by something other than money or fame.
“Partly due to the efforts of the World Superhero Registry,” Kevlex tells me, “the Real-Life Superhero community has grown from a few isolated idealists scattered across the globe in 2005 to today’s diverse and rapidly growing international community with hundreds of members.”
Hundreds of people running around in spandex suits and thwarting evildoers? I’d trade all of the mithril in the Mines of Moria to see that!
With Kevlex’s help, I was able to contact the two most visible Real-Life Superheroes – Master Legend (a 42-year-old crimefighter from Winter Park, Florida, who was featured in Rolling Stone last year) and Shadow Hare himself – to learn what makes a caped crusader tick.

Team Last Call: How did you start your crimefighting career?
Master Legend: I got tired of being a victim and fought back.
Shadow Hare: I started in a small town going against a small gang who called themselves the Warriors. I just got sick of knowing that rapists and drug dealers were running the streets. People shouldn’t be scared to walk past other people on the sidewalks.

TLC: Why wear a mask?
ML: I like to give fair warning of what I am.
SH: I don’t want credit as an individual for these actions. I don’t do what I do for publicity. I see myself more as an idea than a person.

TLC: It’s got to be a relatively thankless job. What’s your motivation?
ML: My brotherhood with all my superhero friends is the best reward I can ask for.
SH: My motivation is that in time I may be an example that we can all make a difference. To some, what I appear to do may be stupid. But if we all did our part, things would be so much better in this world.

TLC: Don’t you worry about getting hurt?
ML: My dad used to play Russian Roulette with my head. I have no fear, as I wanted that bullet to finally end my hell.
SH: If me getting hurt means that I take the pain from another, then I am not scared to face anything. I consider the pain I go through an occupational hazard. I have lost a job due to physical injury. It actually made me homeless for a while, but I persevered.

TLC: What’s been your worst injury?
ML: It’s a tossup between fractured skull or the internal bleeding.
SH: When I was attacked with a pipe. I had bruised ribs. Dislocated shoulder.

TLC: What do you feel has been your biggest accomplishment?
ML: Saving lives and helping the homeless. Also, putting away a few murderers and a child molester in prison. And yes, I kicked their rotten asses.
SH: That I have inspired hope.

TLC: How do you respond to criticism that you’re some sort of vigilante, or that this is a joke?
ML: I feel sorry for those who have inferiority complexes. Plus, I am not a vigilante with a targeted person in mind. I am ready to jump into action when needed with my ever-vigilant eyes.
SH: I don’t do this for publicity and can care less about personal criticism. I do this for the people as a whole.

TLC: Ultimately, what do you hope to accomplish?
ML: I already have accomplished it. That’s the forming of a worldwide team known as the Real-Life Superheroes. I cannot say I did it all. It was immense teamwork. It has been my vision since I can remember deciding to be a superhero.
SH: To show the world that no matter who you are, or what people see you as, we can change the world so much if we do our part.

Whether you’re sitting there snickering or sketching out the design for a costume of your own, you have to feel at least a twinge of appreciation for what these guys are doing. I mean, wearing spandex is an act of bravery in and of itself. Wearing it while engaging in hand-to-hand combat with criminals is nothing short of heroic. The fact is, these crimefighters serve an important function in society. Namely, they catch the bad guys so that the cops have more time to run around and not find out who hit my car. Who knows? Maybe someday a Real-Life Superhero will save your life. And maybe he’ll be dressed like an elf. And maybe his name will be Fëanáro Pallanén. We’ll see who’s snickering then.