TEAM LAST CALL

It’s October, which means it’s time for Team Last Call’s annual Halloween column. Most of TLC’s previous October columns were devoted to scary subjects like Mark Wahlberg’s superfluous nipple and John McCain’s old man smell. But this year, we were really looking to raise the bar, to find a story subject that, like the realization that Larry King might still be sexually active, would haunt readers long after the column was over.

That’s when we came across the KFC Double Down sandwich, without a doubt the single most terrifying thing we’ve encountered in 2009. This bad boy is like the Steve Buscemi’s teeth of handheld food. At its core, the Double Down is a bacon sandwich, which is already bad news, only this bacon sandwich comes slathered in swiss and pepper jack cheese and the mayonnaise-based Colonel’s sauce. Oh, and instead of bread, the Double Down is held together by two deep-fried chicken filets. In summation, that’s a bacon sandwich in a bun made of fried chicken. I don’t know what kind of magnificent pervert thought it up, but he deserves a medal, and then deserves to be shot.

When we first heard about the Double Down, we thought it was a joke. So we decided to consult the leading authority on the subject, a website everyone should visit at least once a day: This Is Why You’re Fat (Tag line: “Where dreams become heart attacks”). Sure enough, we dialed up the site (www.thisiswhyyourefat.com) and there the sandwich sat, glistening and greasy like a breaded Rush Limbaugh. Our curiosity piqued, we decided to track down the folks behind the scenes at This Is Why You’re Fat, Jessica Amason and Richard Blakeley, to ask a few questions about the Double Down.

Team Last Call: Why was the Double Down a good fit for the site?

Jess: Needless to say, any meat-on-cheese-on-bacon-on-cheese-on-more-meat is a given for This is Why You’re Fat.

Richard: Cause that’s why you’re fat, duh!

TLC: What were your first thoughts upon hearing about the sandwich?

Jess: I thought it was what SNL’s Taco Town Taco was to Taco Bell, except this was KFC actually owning its own absurdity!

TLC: Did you, like most people, think it was a joke?

Richard: Yes, and a very good one at that, because there was a commercial to go along with it on Food Geekery.

Jess: The commercial sold it for me. I thought, “Well, they’ve gone and done it now, haven’t they? They’ve taken fast food to the next level.”

TLC: Have you had a chance to try one?

Jess: No, and honestly, I never had anything against the traditional sandwich structure. If it ain’t broke, don’t throw more meat on it!

Richard: I don’t eat chicken or bacon, so I’m not planning on doing it any time soon.

TLC: Is there another sandwich you’ve discovered this year as heart attack-tastic as this?

Jess: In the same spirit of “sandwiches 2.0,” I’m partial to the Pizza Burger. [A giant burger between two large meat pizzas, topped with eggs, bacon and colby and pepper jack cheese]

Richard: The Pattie LaBurger. [A triple bacon cheeseburger with deep-fried patties as buns]

It didn’t take long after its debut for word about the Double Down to circulate. “How can I get one?” everyone wanted to know. “And how bad is it for you? Would eating it kill you right away, or would it take a few hours? And why is Rush Limbaugh such a massive turd?”

Speculation about the sandwich’s caloric content was running wild. Men’s Health food and nutrition editor Matt Goulding wrote in an article, “Independent labs are estimating that [the Double Down] has around 1,200 calories and over 50 fat grams, based on what’s in the other KFC sandwiches.” But were those numbers to be trusted?

Not according to KFC public relations guy Rick Maynard, whom Team Last Call contacted in early September.

“There have been numerous incorrect reports in the media regarding the calories in a Double Down,” he says. “While we wouldn’t run final numbers on a product unless it is rolled out nationally, we estimate the Double Down at about 590 calories.”

Stop laughing. He’s serious.

While Maynard wasn’t able to come clean about the Double Down’s stats (he also claimed the sandwich has precisely zero grams of trans fat), he was able to take the time to crush our dreams of trying one for ourselves.

“[The Double Down] is a test market item that is available for only a brief time and in only two markets: Providence, RI, and Omaha, NE,” he says. “At this time, there are no plans to introduce it in Pennsylvania.”

At least we still have Pattie LaBurger.