Posted by Jeff on 5/01/2008 12:33:00 AM
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The other day, I was floundering around the park on my daily jog – my lungs wheezing, my face puffed up like a swollen tomato, my belly sloshing around like a trash bag full of pudding – and all I could hear were three little words banging around in my brain like shoes in a dryer:

I'm still fat.

I've been running for four months now, and boy are my legs tired ha ha ha. But for real, it's been four months, and as far as my scale is concerned, I've spent that entire time dumpster diving behind the Krispy Kreme factory. Which is hardly even true.

I can't help but wonder if there isn't something inherently wrong with the design of my body that I can spend hours of my week lumbering around my neighborhood and actually gain weight. Seriously, that happened one month. I don't even know why I bother to jog at all. I'm about as fit to run as John McCain. (Zing!)

All my 23-year-old coworkers need to do is think about exercising and they get skinnier. They lose an average of 15 pounds a day just by breathing. They lost another five in the time it took for me to type that. But not Old Man Royer. I just sit here writing bitter columns, eating my Lean Cuisine and swelling up like a bee sting.

Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being fat, other than the health complications, the self-esteem issues and the social stigmas. And the premature death. I'm just saying that being fat doesn't work for me. Because you never know when someone might walk up and say, "Oh, hello, 31-year-old dude with a receding hairline and zero fashion sense. I'd like to give you a multi-million dollar record deal!" When that moment comes for me, I'd like for my profile to look a little more Michael Phelps and little less Michael Moore.

But there is some part of my genetic makeup that refuses to not be fat. Which is how I know I'm related to Dick Cheney.

Sometimes I think about the world's very first fat person – specifically, what made him fat, and how it might explain my present situation.

I mean, someone had to be first. Somebody somewhere, at some point in the history of the human race, was the very first person to get a little junk in his trunk. Who was that guy? Where did he come from? Did he have a record deal? Did he like to put words in italics?

Simple logic tells us that fat people date back to at least 2004, when the first "Biggest Loser" aired. However, after consulting several top scientific resources, including Wikipedia and TMZ.com, I discovered that obesity can actually be traced back as far as Meat Loaf.

But the truth is, no one really knows for sure, so I'm forced to take the Fox News approach and just plain guess. What my gut tells me is that obesity actually extends back to the time of the caveman. I believe this in part because I Googled the words "fat caveman" and got a bunch of hits. I also believe this because I conducted a scientific poll among my friends, and not a single one of them has not ever not seen a fat caveman.

Cavemen, as we learned from the classic 1970s series "Land of the Lost," were small, angry, chimpanzee-like humanoids with jutting underbites, excessive body hair and little to no grasp of language. So basically, they were Nickelback.

Cavemen can also be identified by their extremely skimpy clothing and sexual promiscuity, as is illustrated in detail in 2004's direct-to-video classic "Bikini Cavegirl," in which a young female cavebunny accidentally transports herself into the future and, in order to get back home, takes the logical route of having sex with lots and lots of pasty white dudes with moustaches.

Cavemen lived a grueling day-to-day existence full of constant struggle. They had to hunt and gather, fight and kill. They had to scrounge for every meal. It was a dangerous, terrifying world full of hazards – from saber tooth tigers to tyrannosaurus rexes to seriously spotty cell phone reception. In summary, survival in prehistoric times took every ounce of a man's strength and energy. He had to be a lean, mean, death-avoiding machine. And that's what cavemen were.

Until one day, when one of them got fat.

How did this happen? It couldn't have been hereditary, since neither of his parents were fat. But he was the very first fat guy. Ever.

And it couldn't have been laziness. A caveman had to be on the move every day just to survive. Plus, if he stayed home, he knew Mrs. Caveman would never stop nagging him about how he should be out hunting for food like the rest of the men and how everyone else on their block had nicer cave paintings than theirs and how a strange charge showed up on their cable bill for a movie called "Bikini Cavegirl."

So why wasn't this caveman out hunting and gathering and burning lots of caveman calories? Was he on some sort of caveman disability? Was his union striking for higher caveman wages? Did he become the CEO of a caveman oil company, get rich, install himself as vice president of the cavemen government, start a disastrous war, pass a tax cut for the top one percent of the caveman population and get richer, fatter, balder and uglier while the caveman economy was on the brink of collapse?

Possible, but not likely.

And there are other questions, like how did the first fat person's friends react? Did they even have a word for obesity? "Hey, Thog. Have you seen Ogg recently? He's getting really … something."

If anything, I know even less now than when I began my research. I don't know who the world's first fat person was. I don't know why I gain weight when I jog. I don't know why you are still reading this column. All I really know is that my fatness is like 30 pounds of story fodder wrapped around my mid-section, and I'm going to milk it for all it's worth. Who knows – maybe one day it will help me become vice president.

Posted by Jeff on 4/08/2008 12:32:00 AM

For my entire life, it's been apparent to me and everyone around me that I am destined to be a reality TV star. It's my entire reason for existence.

I've got the looks, I've got the charm, I've got the shamelessness. I've got a boy-ish face, so I'm likeable, but I've also got long-ish hair, so you know I'm dangerous. And if there's money involved, I'm totally willing to show my tender parts on national TV. Plus, I'm short, so I can fit in a lot of interesting places that bigger stars can't.

I've got an English degree, so I could be the sensitive, bookish half in one of those mismatched-partners shows. And I have a big mouth, so I could make a show colorful, like Scott Baio. I also have a tattoo, so I could play the tough-guy role like Dog the Bounty Hunter, or maybe the lady from "Nanny 911."

In short, if there's a man out there who's got more to offer a reality TV show than I do, I'd like to meet him. So I could shoot him and reclaim that number one spot.

For all of these reasons and more, I'm so excited that a reality show is finally making its way to Central PA.

It's just been confirmed that "Whoopsie," which is tentatively scheduled to return to Fox this coming fall, will be filmed almost entirely at the Senorita Burrita restaurant in downtown Lancaster. This will be the second season of the popular reality series on Fox, and the third overall since "Whoopsie" first broadcast on FX in 2006.

Senorita Burrita was chosen out of literally thousands of potential sites as the setting for the show's next season. Although she was aware that her restaurant was being considered as a setting, owner Jen Foster admits that it didn't diminish the shock when she received the confirmation call.

"I'm excited, but a little nervous. I get stoked about it," says Foster. "I can't actually legally talk about when or how it will be filmed, but it's coming!"

Needless to say, serving as the set for "Whoopsie" will be an incredible boost for the California mission-style burrito shop, which opened its doors in 2003 at 227 North Prince Street, nestled in the heart of Gallery Row just steps from the famed Chameleon Club, record label and retail shop CI Records, mid-century modern furniture and art gallery Metropolis and vinyl wonderland Mr. Suit Records.

"I knew I had to keep it under wraps, but it was impossible," says CI's Jeremy Weiss of the recent announcement. "'Whoopsie' had been a favorite of mine. When I told the guys at work, they were like, 'What?'"

As for why Senorita Burrita was ultimately chosen, Foster can only guess.

"We've served Hulk Hogan, Gavin DeGraw, Henry Rollins," she says. "Maybe they wanted to do a show in a small town, but at a shop that attracts a lot of interesting personalities."

The show, of course, will benefit more than just Senorita Burrita. It's also sure to create many lucrative opportunities for the surrounding downtown businesses. Says Chameleon Club co-owner Holly Skiadas, "I expect the immediate neighbors to feel the impact, but only time will tell if there will be an economic boom for the 100 and 300 blocks of Prince."

As for details about the show itself, Skiadas, like Foster, isn't talking. "I am not at liberty to speak about the project," she says politely.

However, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to speculate.

If it's anything like the original "Whoopsie," this season will involve a dozen or so contestants pitted against each other in "Survivor"-style challenges of physical and mental skill. It's safe to assume that at least some of these challenges will involve tasks like working the Senorita Burrita lunch rush with various handicaps like blindfolds, arm and leg weights and the now-infamous Whoopsie Weasel. Other times, the challenges may involve more behind-the-scenes tests, like handling employee schedules or placing produce orders. As Foster assures with a laugh, it's not as easy as you might think!

With me being (apparently) something of a "local celebrity," as well as a regular at Senorita Burrita, I was chosen to serve as one of the episodes' "local" judges. It's just one episode, but I'm optimistic about the opportunities it could lead to. Plus, my mom will finally have something to brag about to the ladies at church.

I've got to admit, even though the show is already in pre-production, it's hard to believe that it's actually going to happen here in Central PA. I keep trying to picture last season's contestants working behind the restaurant counter, and it's next to impossible. Brianne Washington in a Senorita Burrita shirt? Hotchie-motchie!

This year's roster of contestants is nothing to sniff at either. Among the people I was able to confirm so far are a few big personalities from last season (Tiffany Van Der Mar, Jimmy Kleese), as well as some B-list celebrities from other reality shows, including Tonya Marx-Davies from "Lunch Swap." Rumors are also being spread about an encore guest-hosting appearance by Marc Summers, but the producers absolutely refuse to confirm or deny it.

What they will confirm is that, as before, new contestants will be added to the show throughout the season as people are voted off – and they're looking for men and women from around the area. Filming could begin as early as this spring. Maybe you can be the Julianne to my Helio!

Posted by Jeff on 3/01/2008 12:31:00 AM

Last month, the Super Bowl and Mardi Gras took place within two days of each other, making it the most barf-tastic three-day stretch in recent memory.

Lord only knows how much alcohol was consumed and expelled during that magical time period. If Lindsey Lohan had anything to say about it, the answer is a lot.

"But wait!" you might be thinking. "What about this month? Isn't there anything to barf about in March?"

Actually, there's plenty to barf about this month. In fact, March might be the single barfiest month of the year, thanks to one internationally celebrated Irish holiday I like call "Throw Up Beer In The Back Of Your Friend's Car Day." Easter!

Just kidding. It's St. Patrick's Day. Or as Amy Winehouse likes to call it, Day.

So, why is St. Patrick's Day so throw up-y? Well, according to one reputable website, by which I mean Wikipedia, many American St. Patrick's Day celebrations center around "alcohol." And if it says it on Wikipedia, then you know it's true. Or that it's totally not true. You never know, which is part of why Wikipedia is awesome. It's like playing Russian roulette, only instead of bullets, you use facts.

For example, I looked up Tom Cruise on Wikipedia and couldn't find the words "creepy," "really creepy" or "super creepy" anywhere, so that shows you just how off it can be. I wonder if Wikipedia is where President Bush looked to see if Iraq had WMDs? Just a thought.

Anyway, the point is, a lot of people drink alcohol on St. Patrick's Day. As studies show, the abuse of alcohol can have some pretty horrifying consequences, such as hangovers, automobile accidents and voting for Mitt Romney. Who, according to Wikipedia, is made of 80 percent plastic. Then again, Wikipedia also claims that Romney has withdrawn from the presidential race. So there's an example of Wikipedia being right twice in a row.

But worse than any of these side effects, drinking can lead to barfing, which, according to several top scientists, sucks. And yet, no matter how many times they might learn this hard lesson first-hand, millions of Americans will once again end their St. Patrick's Day bowing down before the porcelain god. Calling Huey on the great white telephone. Mugging the porcelain tourist. Playing with the edible yo-yo. Giggling to Ralph over the porcelain intercom. Making a pavement pizza. Singing solo in the porcelain amphitheater. And other funny phrases I found online to boost my word count.

What makes it worse is that most people don't have the faintest idea what they're actually celebrating on St. Patrick's Day.

In fact, for a lot of people (Lindsey Lohan), St. Patrick's Day is distinguished from Mardi Gras only by the fact that the beer they're throwing up is green.

The real reason we celebrate is, of course, to commemorate the life and deeds of St. Patrick, who is famous for chasing all of the snakes out of Ireland, presumably by putting on a green plastic hat and throwing up Jell-O shots on them. This feat is all the more amazing when you consider the fact that Ireland never had any snakes to begin with. And that's an actual true, scientific, non-made-up fact. As opposed to this one: George Bush was forged in the fires of Mordor.

Which is a lie because, as Wikipedia points out, he was actually the one doing the forging.

I don't mean to give the impression that I did all of my research for this article on Wikipedia. That couldn't be further from the truth. I also did some research on pukeplanet.com, which is a website consisting entirely of pictures of people barfing. That's sort of bizarre in and of itself, but the truly remarkable part is how the website advertises itself as – and I swear this is true – "the best site for puke pictures on the web."

So if you've been less than satisfied with the puke-picture sites you've been frequenting lately, you know where to go.

Sometimes I think about St. Patrick's Day and all of the barfing and wonder how things got so out of hand. Like, 400 years ago it was a holy day of obligation for Roman Catholics in Ireland. Now it's a day when people go out to bars, drink their body weight in green-tinted domestic drafts and blarney all over each other's shoes. It's like the entire holiday has been secularized, which is a really, really sad thing. I mean, what would Santa say if he were here?

Yeah, sometimes I get down about St. Patrick's Day. But then I think about those tiny little men in the funny suits who are always hiding their gold – What do you call those again? Republicans? – and I smile.

At least next year we won't have one of those in the White House.

Posted by Jeff on 3/01/2008 12:06:00 AM


“We’re kind of like the dirty old uncle of the music business that everybody thinks is cool, but nobody invites when they have decent friends coming over.”
It’s not the prettiest metaphor Mike Cooley’s ever used, but it’s as good as any when it comes to describing the Drive-By Truckers’ place in the music world. For years, these torchbearers of Southern rock have been smothered with stadium-sized praise, but never really managed to graduate from the sticky-floored club scene.
“Greatest band on planet Earth” isn’t a tag that’s often bestowed upon a band that most of America has never even heard of. But there’s just something about the Truckers that makes journalists get all googley. The hell’s-bells triple-guitar attack; the blue-collar laments; the blue-collar celebrations; the bottles of Jack they pass around onstage; the burning honesty of the lyrics; the intelligence and wit; the wild abandon; and the fact that they seem almost completely unaware that they’re responsible for any of these things.
The departure of Jason Isbell, one of the Drive-By Truckers’ three frontmen, between albums resulted in a lot of nail-biting among the band’s fan base. But Cooley and his musical partner of over 20 years, Patterson Hood, didn’t get the memo to be nervous. Instead, the two holed themselves up and, with some unexpected help from bassist Shonna Tucker, sneezed out what might be the finest album of their career.
Brighter Than Creation’s Dark is, as Hood has called it, a “grower.” None of the tracks is going to make it to Top 40 in our lifetime – although lead single “The Righteous Path” could have given Neil Young and Crazy Horse a run for their money in the ’70s. But taken as a whole, the album is simultaneously the calm before, the eye of, and the aftermath of the storm, a revolving mass of earthquaking rockers, hushed ballads and instant alt-country classics.
Team Last Call caught up with Cooley in mid-February to get the Drive-By Truckers’ state of the union.

Team Last Call: Patterson called Brighter Than Creation’s Dark your best album, which I know bands are supposed to say about every new album – but is that something you agree with?
Mike Cooley: This really is. I don’t think there’s any argument. The songs overall, song for song, I think are better. I think we played better and broke some new ground.

TLC: I know you get squirmy around the word “mature,” but I think it does apply to this album. It’s more songwriting, less muscle.
MC: If you can get better instead of older, then “mature” is good. [laughs] But it’s like, you know, “Oh, they’re mature now.” And the next thing you hear is, “The big summer tour – Harry Connick Jr. with the Drive-By Truckers!” Ahh!

TLC: This time around, you individually are getting the most praise for the songs you contributed.
MC: I’ve always had my fans. Some of them are a little scary, but I think overall they mean well.

TLC: Pitchfork called you the “hell-raising, yarn-spinning fuck-up” of the band. Is that fair?
MC: I haven’t been a fuck-up in a long time, but when I was, I was a marvelous fuck-up. So that’s fair. I’m just finally getting press for it.

TLC: The songs on this album stick with the same dark themes you’ve been writing about for years – the tragic characters, drinking and drugs, murder and suicide. Where does that dark streak come from?
MC: It’s just more interesting to write about. [laughs] We’ve had plenty of close associations with all those things. It makes you think and affects you on a more emotional level than the happy stuff does. The tragedy is just a better movie. When you see somebody sliding down into the gutter, it affects you a lot longer.

TLC: You said in another interview that this has been a year of highlights for you. What did you mean by that?
MC: First of all, we ended last year with some much, much needed time off the road. That had more to do with the creative streak and the quality of the songs than anything, just being able to, for me, stay in my own space long enough to get it out and get it done. So I felt real good about that. And then we shifted right into doing the Betty LaVette record. Now all of the sudden I’ve got this chance to be a part of making a really cool soul record in Muscle Shoals. You grow up loving that music, and I figured being a part of something like that just was never going to happen. But it happened, and it was fun, and now it’s nominated for a Grammy. So, even better! [Editor’s note about the Grammy: no dice.] It’s just been a great year.

TLC FM: Isbell left the band after five years and three albums. Can you talk about what that was like?
MC: It was a friendly split. It wasn’t any big deal. It was time for him to go do his own thing. He’s talented, he’s prolific. And he’s done great. It was definitely a lot better than having somebody leave in the middle of a tour or making a record.

TLC: Did you feel like you had something to prove to fans who were concerned after he left?
MC: Not really. We were a band for five years before [he joined]. I think we just wanted to make a good record. We wanted to be creative again.

TLC: It was fun as a fan watching Shonna step up with songs of her own. I think having the different writers’ voices and perspectives is part of the whole Drive-By Truckers deal.
MC: It is! If me and Patterson had to write all the songs, we’d find a way to make it work. We’ve done it before. But her coming in with songs was kind of a surprise for us. We had no idea until we went into the studio.

TLC: You and Patterson have persevered through divorce, financial struggles, mental breakdowns, Isbell’s departure. What keeps pushing you forward?
MC: I guess we’re in love. [laughs]

TLC: When people throw things at you like “the greatest band in the world,” how do you even respond to that?
MC: I’m just glad I didn’t have to say it myself. [laughs] I didn’t get into this game to lose!

TLC: I read that you’re considering moving on without a record label.
MC: Since we signed to New West, it’s like, everything is different. I think anybody at a point of making a major decision needs to sit down and do a little thinking, because the traditional record company-artist relationship and business model is obsolete now. It just doesn’t work anymore. I don’t know what we’re actually going to do, other than try to maintain our fan base and build it. That’s what we’ve built everything on. We’ve never been able to rely on all the things that artists of the past could rely on a record company for.

TLC: But you never know – maybe New West will surprise you by landing you a tour with Hannah Montana!
MC: They could surprise me by having an original idea! [laughs]

TLC: That being said, do you talk about the things you still want to accomplish together?
MC: We’ve got this year to think about it. We’ve got this record out, and it’s on New West whether we like it or not. I would love to have kept this one for myself because I like it. But we’re going to tour behind it. We’re going to hand-deliver it to our fans like we always have. I’ve always lived by the philosophy that if you take care of what’s important, everything else will take care of itself. And our fans built us. They’re why we have a job. We’ll find a way to take care of them.
*Reprinted from Fly Magazine

Posted by Jeff on 2/01/2008 03:00:00 AM

“Just watch out for ‘sensitive.’ If someone starts saying they’re ‘sensitive’ to you, it’s bad news!”
Against Me! singer Tom Gabel has learned a lot in the two years since he and his anarchist-punk bandmates made the jump from an indie label to Sire Records.
The list of industry terms he’s compiled on his Blackberry is probably the funniest evidence of this. From “viral campaign” to “cultural significance,” Gabel’s assembled an impressive database of bullshit words and phrases, with “sensitive” occupying the number one position.
“If someone at a record label tells you that they’re ‘sensitive’ to your needs as an artist,” he explains with a laugh, “it means that they’re going to be very, very manipulative, but in a very subtle way.”
Against Me! have also learned another word along their travels: sellout. The myopic punk crowd, ever concerned with rebelling against the mainstream, did a major-league freak-out when Against Me! ostensibly switched teams. What they didn’t consider was the novel idea that Gabel and his band hit upon: If you’re unhappy with what’s going on in the mainstream … change the mainstream.
With the release of their Sire debut, New Wave, in July, that’s exactly what they did. The record is being hailed as one of the most vibrant, colossal and fierce offerings of 2007 – the best album of the year, if you want to listen to Spin.
In the midst of the escalating hype, Team Last Call tracked down Gabel in his hometown of Gainesville, Florida, to talk about the thin line between sellout and revolutionary.

Team Last Call: It seems like everyone on planet Earth is freaking out about your new album. What’s that like for you?
Tom Gabel: Stuff like that, it’s nice, it’s cool, it’s awesome. Anybody who tells you that they aren’t happy to have their work appreciated is lying to you. But that’s not necessarily why you do it. It’s more just something cool to show your mom. “Check it out, mom! You can go to Barnes & Noble and get this magazine!” It’s like coming home with a good report card.

TLC: On New Wave, it seems like you’re moving in a more positive direction – less “this situation is screwed up” and more “here’s something you can do to change it.” What was the catalyst for that?
TG: I think it’s not so much, “Here’s something you can do.” It’s more, “Just do something!” Whatever it is, be motivated and try to be positive about things. There were personal things that happened in my life that were a sea change. But also, it was kind of taking a look at where we were as a band and feeling grateful and very fortunate and thinking, “This is an awesome situation to be in. Why not make the best of it?” I feel like it would have been really in bad taste to put out some self-bemoaning album as a major label debut. “Life is horrible. All these things suck!” I feel like it was a real opportunity to do something that wasn’t self-centered.

TLC: What was the motivation for you to move to a major in the first place?
TG: I never wanted to be a band that was defined by its record label, because I think that’s just ridiculous. So while Fat [Wreck Chords] was an amazing label and we appreciate everything that they’ve done for us, it felt like if we would have stayed it would have been stagnating. It would have gotten less exciting, and we could have just shit out a record every two or three years and kept doing the same thing. I think in taking risks and taking on challenges, that’s where you grow as a person and that’s where you grow as a band. So it was important for us to move on.

TLC: That’s not nearly as scandalous as it’s supposed to be.
TG: [laughs] Sorry! It’s boring. There’s no devious subplot. It’s a boring numbers thing. “This makes sense for these reasons.”

TLC: People have been yelling “sellout” at you guys for years almost every step forward you’ve taken.
TG: Totally. It was funny, when it was time to face this decision – “OK, do we want to sign to Sire?” – never was there a moment when we were like, “Oh, damn, we’re signing to a major label.” We just came to this point where it’s like, “You know what? No one else knows what’s best for us. We know what’s best for us. So let’s just ignore everybody else.”

TLC: So you’re not worried about that sellout perception?
TG: Not at all. Anyone who would really throw an accusation like that is an immature person. Usually, stuff like that is motivated by jealousy or motivated by complete ignorance and a misunderstanding of the situation. I mean, the idea that somebody else who is completely removed from the situation and isn’t in the band, who’s never been in a band, who’s never worked with record labels or anything like that, would know more about it than I do – it’s stupid.

TLC: You seem on your albums like you have this overarching sense of purpose. Where does that come from?
TG: I think a lot of it comes from – as cliché as it sounds – but it comes from punk in general. For me, the most important lesson I learned from punk was to question things, to question everything. A lot of that will then in turn be questioning myself, and that’s something that I constantly do. I question my motivations, I question the way I interact with people – everything – and that comes out a lot in my writing.

TLC: For a lot of people, major labels mean limousines and pimp cups. But I read that you guys still practice in a squat.
TG: It’s a glorified storage unit. [laughs] People have a deep misconception when it comes to major labels. They think you sign to a major label and then suddenly the label just pays for everything. You couldn’t be farther from the truth. As a band, we choose all the bands we tour with, we take care of all of our day-to-day business, we pay our own taxes, we take care of setting up our own tours. All our record label does is put out the record for us and put it into stores – and they set up this interview.

TLC: I keep reading these comparisons between Against Me! and Nirvana, or between New Wave and Nevermind. How do you even react to something like that?
TG: Well, I take it with a grain of salt. Obviously, people are making that comparison because we worked with Butch Vig, who recorded Nevermind. So it’s a really easy thing to say. But in general in the music world, especially right now with every music-related business magazine talking about, “This year, sales are down 50 percent! File sharing is ruining the music industry! What are we going to do? CDs are dead!” – it’s almost like talking about the next Nirvana is the music industry’s version of Christ coming back. “He’s returned!” It’s like a fairytale.

TLC: You guys are in a unique situation where, because of the whole “punk cred” issue, you can’t really go backwards.
TG: You have to keep progressing. You want to keep growing and you want to keep learning. You don’t want to regress – I almost fear that.
For me, playing in basements and VFW halls, we did that for years, and we’ve played some of the most amazing shows of our existence as a band in those situations, and I would hate to have the memory of that ruined by going back and trying to force ourselves into that again. You want to have the fondest memories of those experiences.

Posted by Jeff on 2/01/2008 12:30:00 AM

A few months ago, I was hanging out in one of my favorite downtown pubs when I spotted a distant acquaintance across the bar, one of those friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend kind of deals.

"Hey, man," I said, "how's it going?

He stared at me for a moment, clearly puzzled, before a smile spread across his face.

"Oh, hey!" he yelled across the bar. "I didn't recognize you. Been packing on the pounds, huh?"

This was awkward on several different levels.

First of all, there's the inherent weirdness of having a near-stranger tell you to your face that you are fat.

I mean, in the dude realm, this ordinarily isn't a big deal. Getting called fat or hairy or ugly when you're hanging out with your guy friends is kind of par for the course. You don't get upset about it. In fact, you're usually just grateful it wasn't accompanied by a smack in the hoo-has.

But this guy crossed the dude line. Because "fat" is one thing. But "so fat that your face has devoured itself" is a different animal altogether.

And then there was the "huh." Without the "huh," he would just have been making a statement. A totally unwarranted statement, but a statement nonetheless. But the "huh" turned it into a question – a question that, according to the faces of everyone sitting around me, I was expected to answer.

"Hey, big piggy fat-face, you've gotten so fat that people can barely make out the normal human face inside your new fat fatty pig-face – don't you agree?"

I really didn't know how I was supposed to respond. I've always made it a point to carry around a few "backup pounds," just in case I was ever marooned on an island or something like that. You never know when your airplane might crack in half and dump you and a bunch of strangers on an uncharted mass of land inhabited by polar bears, body-snatchers, deadly clouds and mysterious government hatches.

But still, I've never been overweight enough for someone to actually call me fat. To my face. In front of lots of strangers. How is someone supposed to react in a situation like that? Britney, where were you when I needed you?

The way I figured it, I had two options available to me: 1) Take the childish route and punch him in the face, or 2) Take the childish route and punch him in the neck. Never underestimate chubby-kid angst.

But I didn't do either. I decided that my greatest weapon wasn't my fists, but my rapier wit. I'd give him a good, old-fashioned tongue-lashing, a devastating verbal assault, a kick right in the proverbial hoo-has.

So here's what I came up with:

"Yeah. Heh. I guess I have."

Zing!

I spent most of the following week thinking up other lines I could have used to stun him, including such classics as, "Shut up!" and "You're the one who's fat!"

When I wasn't busy doing that, I was obsessively staring at my own ass in the mirror and trying to decide if I really had gotten so fat that my face had imploded.

I consulted with a panel of experts, by which I mean my mommy, and was thoroughly assured that I hadn't gained a pound since high school. I just had a little extra cuddliness to me. Baby fat, is what she called it.

When I asked my wife what she thought about the issue, she tossed one of our cats at my face and ran out the door, which I chose to interpret as, "I am hot for your body, and I have to leave now before I am overcome with fiery passion."

But still, numbers don't lie. Especially the numbers on the tag of my pants, which reveal to anyone who cares to look that, from the waist down at least, I am officially rounder than I am tall. This is a shocking thing to realize. Like, if you tried to wrap one of my pant legs around my waist, I'd smack you. But then if you tried again, you'd discover that the pant leg doesn't go the whole way around. Something has gone terribly wrong.

I figure that a person can choose to react to being a fatty in one of two ways: by accepting responsibility and taking action, or by refusing responsibility and blaming someone else.

So far, I've got about 10 or 15 names on my list, all of whom in some way are responsible for my weight gain.

Mitt Romney, Tom Cruise, Gene Simmons – I know they all factor in somehow, although I can't prove it. Either way, they creep me out.

In the end, though, my list wasn't helping any, so I decided to take up jogging. Well, not so much "jogging" as "flailing around the elementary school track like a wounded walrus." After a month of jogging every morning, I somehow managed to actually gain about two pounds, which is kind of remarkable. But I stuck with it, and now I'm proud to report that I've lost a grand total of five pounds, which, if you're really bad at math, is practically 10 percent of my body weight. So take that, dude in the bar that I barely know. Now who's fat!

Oh, it's still me? Crap.

Posted by Jeff on 1/02/2008 12:29:00 AM

As frontrunners in the field of political journalism, it goes without saying that we here at Team Last Call have been anxiously awaiting the official kickoff of the 2008 presidential race.

This month, the fun finally begins with the Iowa caucuses. As per usual, America is looking to Team Last Call to help it separate the good candidates from the bad, to distinguish which ones are virtuous, which are trustworthy and which are Republican.

We decided to tackle this monumental task by interviewing each and every one of 2008's leading candidates. It was the only way we could determine who among them was capable of leading this great nation of ours and who was a bald, bucktoothed, opportunistic 9/11-milker.

Unfortunately, none of them were available. But someone else was: Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist and perennial presidential candidate Dave Barry.

To this point, Mr. Barry's bid for presidency hasn't received much media coverage, due in part to the fact that he hasn't raised any money, participated in any debates or picked what we in the industry call a "political party." Despite that fact, Barry's campaign seems to be doing remarkably well. In fact, he claims to be currently leading every single presidential poll by a wide margin, a phenomenon that has somehow gone unnoticed by the media – until now.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the hope of tomorrow, the voice of the people, the single-most important fake candidate in the 2008 presidential elections, Mr. Dave Barry.


Team Last Call: All serious presidential candidates have a "platform." What sort of platform do you have, and where did you get it?
Dave Barry: I got it from the American people, with whom I agree about everything.

TLC: Would you say that you're more Republican-y or Democrat-ish?
DB: Yes.

TLC: What is your greatest strength as a candidate?
DB: I can make really funny noises with my armpit.

TLC: What do you think is your biggest flaw?
DB: I am too modest, considering that I am way smarter than everybody else.

TLC: Why hasn't the mainstream media picked up on the fact that you're leading in virtually every poll?
DB: I'm sure they have a legitimate reason, such as heroin addiction.

TLC: Do you have any skeletons in your closet that could damage your chances to win the presidency?
DB: Those were consenting skeletons.

TLC: Do you think your good looks will come into play during the upcoming election? How about Hilary's?
DB: How about Hilary's what?

TLC: Are you worried at all about being "Swift Boated" by another candidate?
DB: That was a consenting boat.

TLC: You might end up being the first president in U.S. history to make the Internets a major part of your administration. How did you first learn about the Interwebs, and how long did it take you to master them?
DB: Once I found out about the whaddycallems, tubes, it was a piece of cake.

TLC: As President of the United States, do you plan on learning how to pronounce the word "nuclear?"
DB: This will be my highest priority.

TLC: I've noticed that you have very many "highest priorities." Of these highest priorities, which do you think is the highest-est?
DB: I agree with the American people.

TLC: I would be very interested in hearing your thoughts on the issue of illegal immigration.
DB: So would I!

TLC: Global warming – real-life crisis or left-wing conspiracy?
DB: Yes.

TLC: Americans are the fattest people in the world. Respond.
DB: Are you going to finish that?

TLC: Studies show that many American teenagers are unable to locate the United States on a map. How do you plan on fixing this national epidemic?
DB: We need to stop putting all these confusing foreign countries on the map.

TLC: I strongly dislike cilantro. As president, how would you go about officially making this an illegal substance?
DB: I am so with you on this. I can't believe people deliberately put that stuff into food. Why not just add a dash of rat doots while you're at it? The thing is, if we make cilantro illegal, we will immediately create a smuggling industry that will enable criminals to make billions of dollars. So we would want a piece of that.

TLC: If elected President, you would probably have the power to create an official sixth food group. What would that group be, and why?
DB: Ginger.

TLC: Scarlett Johannson never returns my calls. What do you, as president, intend to do about this?
DB: I will meet with her personally.

TLC: What can I, as a Barry supporter, do to help you win the presidency?
DB: You can (send money) tell your friends (to send money).


The preceding interview was conducted on Dave Barry's online political forum at www.realcities.com/mld/realcities/news/politics/qa_forum.html. Questions and answers are reprinted with the express-written consent of Mr. Barry himself, who, as far as you know, is a huge fan of our column.