TEAM LAST CALL

The Hold Steady, as you can see, are not much to look at.
Singer Craig Finn is balding and has a beer gut from chugging a six-pack onstage every night. Guitarist Tad Kubler looks like your Uncle Shlomo. Keyboardist Franz Nicolay has a waxed mustache.
No, The Hold Steady aren’t going to be supplanting Fall Out Boy in the looks category anytime soon. And they couldn’t give less of a shit.
Because despite their age, their figures and their flagrant lack of eyeliner, The Hold Steady are one of the hottest bands on the planet. Their combination of beat-poet vocals and Bud Light-commercial guitar riffs has every music mag in America drooling like a dog at dinnertime. The band has released three albums in the last three years, all of which ended up on best-of lists from Blender, Rolling Stone, New York Times, Spin …
In the wake of its most recent offering, Boys and Girls in America (October 2006), the New York five-piece is heading out on the road for the next stretch of a tour that started in 2004 and is likely to last until hell freezes over or they’re dead, whichever comes first.
In mid-February, Team Last Call tracked down Nicolay, who was in a cab working his way to the airport for another round of touring in Europe.
“What’s more boring than hearing some dude in a band complain about the road? So I’m not going to do that,” Nicolay says. “You can get away from your real life and live in a little tour-van bubble, when the only thing you’re responsible for is playing a 45-to-90-minute show every night.”
And making sure that your mustache looks good.
“That’s easy!” he laughs. “Shit, man, that takes care of itself.”
You can run into all sorts of characters at a Hold Steady show – the bohemian with a copy of “On the Road” in his hand, the drunk guy you saw pissing in the alley on your way into the club, the hot girl in your pottery class, the music journalist with the messenger bag covered in band buttons, the kid with the eyebrow rings that stole your girlfriend during the opening band’s set. These are also the characters you’ll hear about in The Hold Steady’s songs – tales of love, drugs, heartbreak and redemption (usually followed by more heartbreak) told through lyrics as thick as Dylan and as frank as Sandra Bernhard – all delivered through Finn’s nasal, scattershot talk-singing. They’ve got the same characteristic as a Drive-By Truckers song; these are stories of waste and woe told over music that doesn’t bow to the tragedy. When the story ends in the disaster, the music ends in triumph.
“Our songs are not all about the parties. They’re also about the aftermath and the consequences. There is regret and there’s nostalgia. We’re saying you can have those things and still experience a catharsis,” Nicolay explains. “It’s the same theory of the Irish wake – you do lose things and you feel blackness in life, but there’s a humanist way to approach that. Instead of bemoaning your fate, you say, ‘This is part of life. Life is loss as well as happiness, but it’s part of the celebration.’”
In a turn of irony, The Hold Steady’s greatest asset is also the element that’s been the hardest for new listeners to swallow: Finn’s voice. It ranges from a pinched, sarcastic growl to a machine-gun shout, from slightly abrasive to thoroughly distracting. Which is all part of what makes it so extraordinary.
But on Boys and Girls in America, the band offers up just the right combination of ear-candy barroom rock and punchy vocals. It’s by far the most accessible of the band’s albums, like a party in a can, simultaneously sweet and unnerving like a Sour Patch Kid. Finn adapts to the new flood of melodies offered up by Kubler and Nicolay, softening his voice when necessary and delivering the kind of sing-along choruses that were few and far between on the band’s fantastic 2005 album, Separation Sunday.
“So many people – Bob Dylan, Lou Reed, Gordon Gano from the Violent Femmes – there’s a whole history of people whose voices take some getting used to,” Nicolay says. “One of the phrases Craig has been using for this record is, ‘You gotta give them a little sugar with their medicine.’ If you couch [his voice] in this really comfortable music, then people are more likely to be receptive to what he has to say.”
For three years running, The Hold Steady have gotten such across-the-board praise – “Band of the Year” from Blender, “Best Bar Band in America” from NPR – that it’s amazing the members can even function. And that was before Boys and Girls in America even came out.
“It’s kind of important for us to register it and appreciate it, but at the same time, not get too caught up in it,” Nicolay says of the chatter. “You can’t go around life thinking, ‘We’re the greatest rock and roll band in the country! What would the greatest band in the country be doing right now? Is this new song worthy of the greatest rock and roll band?’ or you’d never write a song!”
The Hold Steady with writer’s block? Somehow I don’t see that happening.
*Reprinted from Fly Magazine

Anyone who's ever read a Last Call column knows two things for sure about Team Last Call.

One, we lie almost constantly. And two, we are complete experts on the subject of women.

With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, we thought it would be a good time to share some of our wisdom with you, the reader, so that you can be better prepared to woo your woman. That way, maybe she'll stop trying to make out with us all the time.

Several key skills are required in order to conduct a proper wooing. First of all, you have to be able to understand your woman. I mean this literally, because sometimes they talk very high and very fast and use phrases like "control-top" and "trans-fats" that we don't understand.

For that reason, we've prepared Team Last Call's Pocket Dictionary for Womanspeak. Because it doesn't do either of you any good if you can't understand what she's yelling at you about.

1. "Are you cold?" = I'm cold.

2. "Is that cake good?" = Give me some of your cake.

3. "Were you going to take the trash out tonight?" = Take the trash out.

4. "Did you mean to turn there?" = You just missed our exit. Idiot.

5. "I got this shirt on sale!" = I bought three other shirts that definitely were not on sale.

6. "Happy birthday!" = This tie will go perfectly with the new dress I'm hiding from you.

7. "Do you think I'm getting fat?" = Tell me I'm skinny or I will cry and go on a shopping spree.

Likewise, it's important for your woman to understand what you are saying, or she'll never stop standing in front of the TV. That's why we've also prepared Team Last Call's Pocket Dictionary for Manspeak. Feel free to clip this out and give it to her for Valentine's Day.

"Hello." = Let's have sex.

"Hi." = Let's have sex.

"My name is [insert name here]." = Let's have sex.

"The sky is blue." = Let's have sex.

"I stepped in gum." = Let's have sex.

And so on.

But here's the bad news: A proper wooing requires that you not only listen to your woman1, but respond in a thoughtful manner that shows you've been paying attention. This is a problem because, of course, you haven't. The solution here is to lie. Lie with everything you've got. If she catches you daydreaming, which you were, tell her that you're sorry, and that you were busy thinking about what you were going to get her for her birthday. Or tell her that you were trying to remember if you'd ever seen her looking so beautiful. Fake a heart attack if you have to. Or pretend to choke on your steak. Anything that will take the focus off of the fact that, when it comes to communication, you are retarded.

Men are just not natural talkers. We can have entire nights out with the guys without even making a sound. Not with our mouths, anyway. And when we do have something to say, it's usually some variation of "Dude, smell that!"

If women have one collective character flaw, it is their inability to understand the humor in flatulence. Because of this flaw, it is sometimes hard for men and women to relate. In order to help close the gap a little, Team Last Call just farted. Just kidding. We actually sat down and conducted hours of painstaking research on a number of professional websites2 in order to learn what women really want from men Other than a paycheck. Ha ha ha ha!3

Unfortunately, the only conclusive findings we had were that Jessica Alba is really hot.

So we decided to turn to our friends instead in order to unlock the secrets of what women really want!4 The way we figure it, men can't all be wrong all of the time, so some of these answers have to actually be true.

First of all, all women want to feel beautiful. Making a woman feel attractive can be accomplished in a number of ways, including, but not limited to, grabbing at her breasts every time she comes within striking distance. They love that!

Secondly – and this is one I got directly from my wife – women want a man who … um … uh … something about listening. I forget. The game was on.

Thirdly, women love cute things. And also small things. Combine those two factors, and you can come up with a seriously romantic gift that is sure to sweep her off her feet, like a little stuffed animal, or Ryan Seacrest.

Fourthly, if that's even a word, women love pet names. Rule number one for pet names is the more syllables, the better. Another proven technique is using the name of a cute animal that starts with the same letter as your woman's. For example, "Patty" can be your "little platypus," while "Beth" can be your "sweet baby bobcat." Another good strategy is to replace the first letter of her name with a "w" and repeat until you achieve the desired effect.

In general, one repetition – "Sara-wara" – should do the trick if you're trying to get out of the house for a night with the guys. However, if that night involves strippers, you're going to need to tack on an extra "wara." In the situation that the night falls on a major holiday, three or more "waras" are advised.

And that's just about everything you need to know in order to properly woo your woman this month. Go get her, tiger!


1 Not valid during the Super Bowl.
2 victoriassecret.com
3 Women love this joke.
4 By "unlock the secrets," we mean "make guesses about."

Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts!

A few months ago, this joke would have been funny. Well, not this joke, but a funny joke that had to do with snoring.

But now, as far as Team Last Call is concerned, there is simply nothing funny about snoring – because snoring is deadly!

Deadly!

According to the website Health Medicine Medical, which is practically one of the top 10,000 most popular medical sites on the internet, snoring is one of the leading causes of premature death.

Death!

I mean, we didn't actually read this in an article, but we did see the words "snoring" and "death" right near each other on Health Medicine Medical's site. Right after we Googled the words "snoring" and "death."

As far as we're concerned, there is no better resource than Health Medicine Medical when it comes to reporting on modern medical medicine health. It's just another example of how we here at Team Last Call will go to any length to provide you with the best in honest truthy truthfulness facts.

Snoring is an issue that affects us all. Millions of Americans lose hours of valuable sleep each night due to their partners' snoring. And the snorers, of course, die prematurely. But here's the really bad news: The snoring epidemic is about to get worse.

Worse!

Because here's the deal, America: Snoring is caused by terrorists. This is a fact, and the reason we know it's s fact is because we Googled the words "snore" and "terrorist," and found literally tens of sites supporting our theory.

Here are just a few of the shocking revelations our search provided:

From www.kuro5shin.org: "Unfortunately, they failed to agree on what constituted the terrorism ... snore …"

From www.channel4.com: "Never in history has a terrorist act been so fully and dramatically recorded ... Witnesses recall that all around them, people began to snore loudly"

From www.cleveland.com: "Pope urges dialogue in war on terrorism ... quieting the roar of the snore"

From www.belgraviadispatch.com: "Islam is to blame for terrorism ... snore"

And from Msnbc.com: "Snoring is commonly caused by … … … terrorists"

We rest our case.

Clearly, we've uncovered a terrorist plot to bring down America through devastating snore tactics. And according to reports from a very reputable source*, Americans can expect to see more terrorist attacks than ever in 2007 thank to the fact that the democrats have majority rule. This, of course, will lead to increased snoring across the nation, which in turn will create a sharp spike in premature death!

You may be asking yourself, "How did Team Last Call manage to get the scoop on snore terrorism so much earlier than other trusted sources for made-up stories, such as Fox News?" The same way we get all of our story ideas: the deadly combination of high-speed internet and way too much time on our hands.

That's also how we found out about sleep apnea terrorism. Sleep apnea is what happens when one's breathing is interrupted during sleep. It can actually cause enough oxygen loss to kill off brain cells! In fact, scientific studies found that snorers perform worse than non-snorers in tests of intelligence, speed of reaction and visual coordination. It almost makes you wish someone would buy the president a box of Breathe Right strips.

Now that you're, like, totally freaked out about snore terrorism, you're probably wondering what you can do to combat it, thereby avoiding a long and painful death.

The unfortunate fact is that there is no surefire way to stop snoring. There are tried-and-true methods like throat sprays, nasal inhalers, nasal strips and getting kicked in the shin by your wife, all of which treat the symptoms, but not the disease. ABC.net actually claims that playing the didgeridoo (an Australian wind instrument) improves snoring. It has something to do with decreasing the collapsibility of the upper airways, which sounds like a bunch of made up crap to us. You also have to consider – and this might be something the folks over at ABC didn't think of before posting their article – that this cure involves locating, purchasing and actually playing a didgeridoo, which no one's going to do. Or rather, no one's going to didgeri-do. Ha ha ha ha. Sorry.

But together, we can make a difference. It is each American's patriotic duty to be vigilant. We must consolidate our efforts in order to rid our nation of snorers once and for all.

But remember, snoring is infectious, like a zombie bite. Once the virus sets in, there is really no way of reversing the effects. Most snorers are already sympathetic to the terrorists' cause and are likely to resist you if you try to perform a citizen's arrest. That being the case, in the situation that you come into contact with a snorer, immediately call the Snore Terrorism Emergency Alert Horror Democrat Death Axis Of Evil Hotline at 888-555-SNOREJIHAD.

Please, join us in our fight to spread nasal-passage freedom throughout the world. It's how God would want it.

Good night, and good luck.


*www.republicans.org

Dashboard Confessional’s new album, Dusk and Summer, is about as celestial and expansive as a pop album can get. There are paper-thin acoustic ballads that waver quietly in the ether and fist-pumping rockers drenched in liquid harmonies that explode into the horizon. It’s the most gratifying kind of ear candy you could write and still claim art as your motive.
More importantly, it’s almost 100 percent emo-free. This is a hugely important fact for singer-songwriter Chris Carrabba, whose tattoos, pompadour and cash-money face have made him the official poster-boy for the genre since he started performing as Dashboard in 1999.
With Dusk and Summer, which debuted at number two in June, Carrabba is proving that he’s bigger than an ephemeral trend like emo – no matter how you define it. His legion of fans has transcended the sensitive teenage kid demographic and now includes lawyers, jocks, punks – and enough of them that his band has graduated to headlining places like Madison Square Garden. And you can bet that those 20,000 people will be singing every word of every line of every song at the top of their lungs.
Team Last Call tracked down Carrabba at his rehearsal space in Burbank, California, to talk about the “e” word, what it’s like to be a sex symbol and how sometimes life is so surreal you can barely get your head around it.
“If you listen closely, you can hear ‘Welcome to the Jungle,’ because we’re practicing right next to Guns n’ Roses today,” Carrabba says excitedly. “Now get your head around that!”

Team Last Call: You took a very long time to record this album. That, coupled with the fact that you dug up guys like [producer] Daniel Lanois to work with, suggests a lot of ambition. Going into it, what kind of album did you want to make?
Chris Carrabba: This one! [laughs] It maybe will be the only time in my whole career where what I really set out to do is what the end result was. That’s why I took so much time – because I knew what it was supposed to be, and things weren’t quite the way they should have been. With all the tinkering and the massive amounts of songs we’d written, I found it, and I presented it on this record. I knew what I wanted, and here it is.

TLC: There is this amazing phenomenon going on at your shows, where people are singing along every word to every song, sometimes even louder than you. What’s that experience like from your perspective up on stage?
CC: It’s really overwhelming. It’s always new. I really keep waiting for it to be like, “Oh, this again?” But it never is. It defies convention somehow, and I love that. People aren’t supposed to let themselves go like that. People are reserved by nature, but somehow we all let our guard down at these shows. We’re free – myself included. We want to sing about it. And they do, and I’m floored. I can’t believe it. I’m like, “I’m not the only one.” We’re all standing there feeling that way.

TLC: What do you think it is about a Dashboard show that lets people have that experience?
CC: God, I really don’t know. It could be the obvious thing of, well, they’re pretty good melodies, so people enjoy singing them. And the lyrics are cathartic on a lot of levels. But I don’t even think it’s that, because usually that means they’re good for private moments. Maybe it’s the attitude that we bring in, that we come in thinking, “Damn it all to hell, we’re going to let it all go.” And when we do that, maybe other people feel it. Maybe it becomes a mob mentality. But that’s like armchair quarterbacking. I really don’t know. I haven’t figured it out yet. I’m a bit afraid to figure it out, because what if I ruin it?

TLC: It’s grown to the point where you’re looking out at literally thousands of kids belting words back at you that you wrote in a diary somewhere. Does it ever freak you out that it’s getting so cult-like?
CC: It’s an odd time. I remember the first time I played in New York. It was in a VFW that held about 50 people, probably. This time when we play New York, we’re going to be playing Madison Square Garden.

TLC: Right. It’s crazy!
CC: It’s mind-boggling. But at the same time, that’s the thing that I’m most proud of. Just by accident we have this vast cross-section of people that will listen to us, and really listen to us. And let’s face it, man, people love us or they hate us. We’re nobody’s second favorite band. Which could be damning.

TLC: There is this intense polarization. I think a lot of it has to do with the whole emo label and you being made into a poster-boy for it.
CC: It’s like I’m guilty of something somebody said about me, basically, because the press had decided that that was going to be the term they used for us or the angle they were going to use to write about us. I’m fine with it, because I think all music is emotional. I don’t think the term is very original, but I didn’t come up with the term. But it is polarizing, and I feel like if people don’t like us, it’s probably not because they listened to us.

TLC: Right, it’s because of their concept of you.
CC: Yeah. But I’m not much concerned with that. Life is too short.

TLC: The good news is that with the new album, the emo thing has been fading.
CC: It really has. It’s so surprising, because I thought for sure that was just going to be a fact of life. And even when people ask me about the term “emo,” it’s almost more academic. Like, “Now that it doesn’t apply to you, what do you think of it?” As if I’m a commentator or something like that. I used to be on the team, but now I’m running color for the game.

TLC: And you’re probably like, “Thank god!”
CC: Yeah! It was almost this running joke within the band, especially because I’ve been accused more than once of being pretty buttoned-up, pretty well guarded emotionally. So I think people that really know me are probably the most amused by that [label], as if I’m this guy falling all over himself to be effusive day in and day out, to share myself and my woes and my victories with the whole world. In fact, it’s not the case.

TLC: It’s not like you run to your tour bus and cry in your bunk for hours after the show or something.
CC: Not at all! I wonder if that’s people’s view of me? I’m certainly not dour, not in the least bit. So that’s what I find the most amusing. I’m not quite Robert Smith.

TLC: When you think about where you’re at now – playing Madison Square Garden, selling millions of albums, touring with bands like U2, seeingyour album debut at number two – can you really wrap your head around how big this whole thing has grown?
CC: I don’t think entirely, which may be lucky. I think I’m humble because I’m a little foolish about it. I can’t quite wrap my head about it, and it serves me well. Because if I could, my ego might get in the way or I might find the weight of it crushing, as far as expectations.
Where we debut on the charts – it’s exciting when you get the call, but I have yet to figure out what it all means. I’m lucky that that stuff hasn’t had a direct affect on my writing. We’re in trouble – I know it – if I start saying, “What kind of songs do I have to write to debut at number one?”

TLC: You’re like the first emo pinup model. How do you react to being treated like a sex symbol?
CC: Well, the truth is, Jeff, I’m very good-looking. Even if I was working as a ditch digger, I think I’d be dealing with that in my life somehow or another. [laughs]
I don’t know. It is what it is. If I didn’t play guitar, I wouldn’t be anybody’s sex symbol. It’s as simple as that. But you’re damn right I picked up guitar to get girls, so it’s working!

TLC: Do you have any way of mapping out or even guessing where you want to go next?
CC: Well, yeah. I want to challenge the convention of what I’m doing. So the convention would say that I would write a bunch of hit songs on my next record because we’re pinned for success right now. But I want to write something important, and the thing that I’m drawn to right now that feels important is a more stripped-down record. So hey, man, we may not ever be talking again, because it may be career suicide. It might be.
*Reprinted from Fly Magazine